One, but a plasma passion: why people choose the Internet instead of a couple
Loneliness is already literally striking. VTsIOM experts have found out that over the past 15 years, Russians have become more likely to pay attention to how many people are around who live "on their own." Singles have different attitudes about their situation - some are burdened by this, while others consciously choose this path. Why people do not approach each other, in what cases this condition causes anxiety and how to reverse an undesirable situation — in the Izvestia article.
Loneliness in a crowd
In 2002, according to the population census, every fifth household in Russia was single. By 2020, the figure has doubled. Russians have been involuntarily observing how this phenomenon is progressing since 2010, noting how many single neighbors and unmated colleagues are around.
Psychologist Yuri Kudryavtsev connects this trend with the general digital development of mankind. Many young people are so immersed in online communication that they drop out of their "living" lives. And older generations don't always master technology properly, get lost in the new reality and lock themselves into their social circle, if there is one. Even when in contact with others, people feel lonely.
— In general, with a huge population crowding, we live in a very lonely world — this is a paradox, — says the expert.
In turn, Candidate of Psychological Sciences Alina Koroleva calls "loneliness in a crowd" the pain of big cities, where people are oversaturated with communication.
— Even if you don't want to, you hear and see a lot of different people — such indirect communication. But at the same time, a person is lonely," she explains.
This is the phenomenon of the age of Internet technology, online relationships, hanging out on social media and scrolling feeds. The illusion of communication makes loneliness even more unbearable. The expert attributes the painful feeling of isolation to the fact that it is difficult for people to be alone with themselves. But this is not typical for everyone.
"Even at the level of small children, you can see that someone constantly needs someone else to play and just have a good mood, and there are those who calmly get carried away and play with themselves," comments Koroleva.
The editorial interlocutor reminds that people are divided into introverts and extroverts. The former need to be alone from time to time in order to recover, while the latter draw strength and "blossom" in communication.
— Everything is individual. It happens that young people, leaving their parents, rent an apartment with a youth company. And there are mature people who live a fulfilling life alone. They manage their household, maintain physical endurance and a positive outlook on life," she says.
Therefore, loneliness cannot be called a disadvantage — sometimes it is a need. But in general, a person does not tend to seek isolation, because people are social creatures.
Nevertheless, everyone should have their own private place where they can be alone with themselves, Kudryavtsev emphasizes. To isolate yourself or communicate with friends depends on the needs in different periods of life, regardless of age. However, closer to old age, the fear of loneliness may increase, as the fear of death grows, the psychologist warns.
How to escape from isolation
The so—called loneliness should be considered more as an internal state - a deep feeling of inner loss, loss of meanings, and so on, emphasizes Yuri Kudryavtsev.
"The hardest people to experience this condition are those who do not accept themselves and their lives, are negatively disposed towards everything and have lost their meaning in life,— says Alina Koroleva. — People who know how to find and create these meanings never suffer from loneliness.
For those who still do not see a way out of the situation and who temporarily have to put up with a lack of communication, the Izvestia interlocutor advises them to look at their lives from a different angle.
— Instead of thinking in the format "It's bad because ...", you can think in the format "It's good because ..." or look for the answer to the question "What's good about it?" — recommends the candidate of psychological Sciences. — At first it will be unusual and difficult, but then it will become easier to live every day.
Planning a routine should start with a positive and life-affirming thought.: "What can I do useful for myself and others today?"
"There are always those who need your help and support, even just a smile, and you already feel in demand, needed, and this is a sure remedy for the painful feeling of loneliness," Koroleva emphasizes.
In turn, Yuri Kudryavtsev advises to increase self-esteem, because a person always has himself, even if there is no one around.
The crown of celibacy or the family scenario
But the crown of celibacy does not exist, experts say. But there is a psychological program for a negative life scenario that can be passed on to a person by parents, grandparents. It happens that children have seen so much in the family that they immediately prefer not to enter this "field", because they do not want a traumatic experience in their personal relationships, explains Alina Koroleva.
— For example, a harmless, at first glance, phrase: "And who needs you like that — you're sloppy and dirty!" can form a whole complex in a little girl, — says Yuri Kudryavtsev. — As an adult, she will experience difficulties in relationships with the opposite sex.
Koroleva believes that in order for people to have a more joyful experience in a new relationship, they first need to "rewrite" their subconscious programs and scenarios. Then it will be possible to choose another partner and establish contacts with him according to new "patterns".
Establishing long-term close relationships is hindered not only by subconscious choices, but also by poor communication skills. It happens that people give up on themselves after a failed romance or divorce — they don't want to repeat a difficult experience.
Loneliness is justified by other reasons. Nowadays, young people are increasingly focusing on the quality of relationships, living according to the principle bequeathed by Omar Khayyam: "It is better to be alone than with just anyone," notes the candidate of psychological Sciences.
— If it doesn't work out to build a relationship or there have already been several unsuccessful attempts, then young people can consciously choose loneliness, — explains the interlocutor of the editorial office. — They prefer not to figure out why it is not possible to create a family and how to find a suitable partner, but simply put this task aside.
According to Kudryavtsev, women suffer more from loneliness, because by nature they need care and attention from both the world in general and men.
— It is worth adding that the main female mission is the continuation of the family and its preservation, and it is difficult to do this, let's say, without outside help. Therefore, to remain alone is to increase the risk of aborting the genus, which is contrary to female nature, since our deep genetic memory is behind all these processes, the psychologist argues.
Therefore, often women, realizing that age is passing, give birth to a child "for themselves", believing that it is better than being left alone.
Guest marriages
Meanwhile, professional matchmaker Anna Osipova associates loneliness with the fact that the standard of living has become higher, and people no longer need to build relationships in order to solve everyday problems together.
— We have dishwashers and washing machines for a long time, a man can call an aunt who will cook borscht and clean the apartment, and it will be cheaper than getting a permanent companion, — says the matchmaker. — And women are so strong that they earn for themselves whatever they want. So such functionality as a pair in which she cooked borscht, and he brought a salary, is no longer quite relevant.
People don't understand why they need a partner, so there is more loneliness, Osipova is convinced. And the longer a person lives alone, the more unlikely it is that they will ever want to create a couple.
At the same time, guest marriages have become very popular recently, she adds. They are chosen by people who do not want to share the space with anyone, which they have made "for themselves".
— Your own sofa, a cup and so that after work you can stretch your legs the way you like, walk in what you like, watch your favorite TV series, eat chocolates and no one will tell you that you can't. These everyday things play a very big role," the Izvestia interlocutor draws attention to.
The matchmaker considers loneliness to be an objective reality of today, a trend that will only increase. People can exist autonomously in comfort, and they practically do not need a second person. Therefore, couples are created only if people are really better off together than separately, the expert emphasizes. And the last people who want to share space with someone are the older generation.
— Rils "Guest marriage" has gained 1 million 100 thousand views, — continues Osipova. — The most interesting thing is that women are more likely to advocate a guest marriage. They like just dating someone rather than putting up with a man with his 24-by-7 socks. But it's still more interesting for a man to come home to be waited for there.
People between the ages of 35 and 40 are so confused about their careers that they don't have time to date at all, they don't have time for relationships. And they don't want to let anyone get too close to them, the specialist points out.
— Most modern people are ready to let only the ideal person, who does not exist in nature, approach them. This is especially true for women. Their bar is so high that it is almost impossible to reach it. I get calls every day from the mothers of my sons, who are over 40, saying that almost all girls need money. This is actually a disaster, because the demographic situation leaves much to be desired," the matchmaker sums up.
How and where to get acquainted
Fortunately, not everyone is ready to change living, human relationships to communication with a smart speaker, microwave and washing machine. However, people are often afraid to take the first step, fearing that they will not be understood or pushed away, even though suffering alone for many years is much worse than taking the risk and possibly getting their chance.
It's easier to find new acquaintances where communication is already provided, suggests Alina Koroleva. There are many opportunities: running clubs and volunteering, creative meetings, and regional longevity programs for older people.
"When you want to do something useful, you'll find an opportunity for it and you won't feel isolated from others," she continues. — In the movie "The Intern" (2015, dir. Nancy Myers) with Robert De Niro and Anne Hathaway, the story of how a person finds a use for himself after retirement is well shown. He doesn't just get an unfamiliar job as an intern, but becomes a friend and assistant to the company's employees, a support for the head. And he fills his life with meaning.
You can get to know each other and deepen communication anywhere — it's important to give yourself a chance to talk, says the candidate of psychological Sciences. Even the most unapproachable-looking person is ready to open up and respond if you show sincere interest in him. You just have to have the courage to greet him, ask a question, express your opinion, and offer help. This will establish communication, and then there will be a chance for a new relationship.
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