On the nose, in the corner, on the object: how flirting helps strengthen a marriage
Psychologists call flirting a love game between men and women. Non-binding signs of attention allow you to diversify your daily routine, adding new colors and pleasant emotions to your life. But fleeting glances, eloquent gestures, and light touches are good as long as they don't bother any of the participants in this social game. Which line should not be crossed, whether flirting threatens family relations and which techniques work flawlessly — in the Izvestia material.
Mutual attention
Flirting helps to hint at an interest in a deeper relationship or is simply used for pleasure and entertainment, a kind of exchange of positive energy, experts say.
— But unobtrusive signs of attention are good within the framework of mutually acceptable actions. And it should be borne in mind that compliments, smiles, hugs and kisses on the cheek can be both flirting, friendship, and companions of business communication, warns psychologist Yuri Kudryavtsev.
Flirting differs from such a purposeful action as courtship, when people show interest in each other in order to create a serious relationship, he draws attention. During courtship, a person demonstrates his best qualities, tries to be who he really is, because sincerity and naturalness of behavior are necessary in forming a long-term bond. And during flirting, you can wear a mask and demonstrate qualities that are not usually characteristic, because this is just a pleasant, easy game.
However, according to Alina Koroleva, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, any manifestation of attention should be sincere — then it will be more valuable and meaningful. Flattery and lies, even within the framework of the game, will be perceived negatively and will not inspire confidence.
"And you should always remember that flirting ends where the other person's increased attention is unacceptable or unpleasant," the psychologist reminds. — The line is very thin, but you can feel it. Flirting feels light and relaxed, beyond that there is tension and discontent.
Stalking and harassment
Light, non-committal displays of sympathy are good as long as they are pleasant and not burdensome for both participants in communication. If someone is burdened by attention signs, then flirting becomes harassment. The most extreme manifestation is stalking, in which one person systematically violates the personal boundaries of another, sets up random meetings, writes messages, and "attacks" with unnecessary gifts.
"I'll never forget how a colleague from my previous job chased me through the dark streets, trying to find out where I live," says Alexandra, a 43—year-old resident of Tver. — I didn't like his attentions, and he didn't want to put up with it. I managed to protect myself from an obsessive boyfriend with the help of management, and then I quit.
Another form of behavior that has nothing to do with romantic flirting is harassment. The term translates to "harassment" and "harassment."
—Harassment is pressure that does not imply the possibility of rejection," explains Yuri Kudryavtsev. — The difference between flirting and harassment is obvious: in one case, there is mutual consent to communicate, and in the other, coercion on one side.
It happens that one person decided to just flirt, and the other took it seriously and started stalking, or, conversely, was afraid of increased attention. To avoid problems in such cases, the psychologist advises to clarify your intentions directly.
— Discuss the situation with the person to understand how they took your attention. And try to come to an adequate agreement. For example, explain that you will not continue to show your attention in such a way as not to frighten the other or to create a false impression of serious intentions, the expert suggests.
To stay within the bounds of what is allowed, Alina Koroleva advises you to take a closer look at the person and assess how interested they are in you.
— For example, you can tell that a woman is flirting by her eyes — her gaze becomes deep and languid, — suggests the candidate of psychological sciences. — Her voice is also changing, becoming quieter and deeper. A woman may lower her eyes, as if in thought. Men usually do not skimp on compliments and offer physical help — to get something, bring it, fix it, solve some technical problem.
According to Yuri Kudryavtsev, coquetry, a mysterious look and a cheerful attitude (brighter than usual) can suggest flirting on the part of a woman. Her movements become smoother and more "stringy", whereas in men, on the contrary, they become more determined. When flirting, there is always a different behavior, voice, and body shape than in normal communication, and you can focus on these changes. But the psychologist considers the special sensations to be the most revealing, when there seems to be magnetism and mutual attraction between the flirters. Sometimes even others can feel it.
Strengthens the marriage
According to some studies, every third Russian flirts in a relationship and considers it the norm.
— It's clear that if a girl is a little flirtatious, then no normal man will be outraged.: You have no right, I'm married," says Timofey, a 36-year-old Muscovite. — Yes, they send me hearts in messages at work, and I respond with the same hearts. But from such flirting to possible intimate relationships, it's like getting to the Chinese border.
Experts advise against worrying about this unless it goes beyond symbolic displays of attention. Sexologist and psychotherapist Alexey Vilkov believes that flirting is even useful for marriage. Such a social game activates positive emotions between partners, creates original fantasies and influences the revival of relations, introducing an element of novelty. Therefore, one should not keep oneself in check, harshly treating any manifestations of attention from the outside. But it is important for partners to agree among themselves on the boundaries of what is allowed in order to save the family.
— For some, the very fact of flirting is already cheating or is close to cheating, — warns the expert. — For others, it is a reason for jealousy, a reason for negative feelings. But someone treats such a "game" calmly, and the light flirting of a partner does not affect the change in his emotional background in any way.
Flirting at work with colleagues, according to the sexologist, is also not dangerous if you clearly know its boundaries and do not cross the fatal line.
— Flirting brings spice to relationships, gives them values, — Yuri Kudryavtsev agrees. — Partners see that their couple is interesting and attractive to others, and confirm for themselves the correctness of the choice made at the time, but the relationship is not violated.
From the point of view of a psychologist, in a stable long-term relationship, the illusion is created that the partner is not going anywhere, and then the value of the relationship subconsciously decreases. Flirting returns this value and seems to give people confirmation that a spouse is nearby not because no one else is interested, but because he chooses a particular loved one. The problem, again, may arise if the partners have different ideas about the acceptable limits of flirting.
Alina Koroleva also sees nothing terrible in the fact that one of the spouses allows himself to flirt without going beyond the bounds of what is acceptable. From her point of view, this is really a "game" that helps to bring novelty and emotions to a relationship, especially where they have been going on for a long time. The main thing is that flirting does not lead to infidelity, the expert emphasizes.
For people who are free from marital relations, light flirting helps to overcome certain barriers of fear of communicating with the opposite sex. Such a "workout" will benefit a shy person, and maybe even become the foundation for a more serious relationship. The standard set of attention signs are compliments, jokes, smiles, light touches and gestures. Their manifestation depends on a person's personality, experience and character, says Alina Koroleva. The main thing is that flirting does not cross the threshold of vulgarity and vulgarity, but remains within the bounds of decency. Then it will allow you to increase self-esteem and soften the official situation.
— When communication at work is dry and businesslike, boredom, routine and tension appear. But once you add flirting, labor productivity increases, as when turbo—injecting fuel into an engine, and sparks fly in the atmosphere," summarizes Yuri Kudryavtsev.
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