Hostages of feelings: is it necessary to look for evidence of adultery
Checking pockets, searching for lipstick marks, and reading messages on a spouse's smartphone are the "necessary set" of a jealous wife. Husbands do not remain in debt — they track calls, install video cameras and return from business trips earlier. Such information gathering resembles espionage practice. Izvestia has learned whether such actions are legitimate and whether it is possible to sue for invasion of privacy if, according to the law, the spouses have one for two.
Is it legal to rummage through your husband's belongings
The network is discussing the reckless act of a girl who, on the advice of a blogger, downloaded an application to monitor her husband's activity in messengers. However, a jealous wife should not trust her husband first of all, but strangers from the Internet. The case ended with the gadget being blocked and scammers threatening, and the girl herself was also criticized for family espionage.
Theoretically, the actions of jealous wives, obsessed with collecting "evidence" against an unfaithful husband, fall under Article 137 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation (CC RF), which provides for liability for violation of privacy. However, from the point of view of constitutional or civil rights, the guilt of a jealous woman is difficult to prove, lawyer Pavel Korniako believes. First of all, because the spouses have a common private life and it is practically impossible in the legal sense to "cling" to the actions of a jealous person who has arranged surveillance.
— The spouses live in the same apartment, distributing household functions among themselves. Naturally, for example, before washing, the wife can check her husband's things — this does not fall under any article of any code," the expert comments.
Collecting evidence of infidelity of a husband or wife in order to end a marriage is pointless, because, according to the provisions of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, it is a voluntary union of two people, the Izvestia interlocutor believes. Therefore, its termination is possible without collecting compromising material.
— If one of the family members does not want to continue family life, then it is not necessary to look for some things to prove the unbearability of living together. If a couple does not have children, they can go and terminate the marriage with the civil registry offices," explains Pavel Korniako.
Even if one of the spouses avoids going to the registry office, the marriage will be dissolved in court anyway, so there is not much to prove, the lawyer notes.
— I attribute all these actions to the installation of bugs to the category of fashionable techniques that came to us from the West. But such methods are not very applicable from the point of view of Russian legislation. Of course, we can say that adultery can be included in certain terms of the marriage contract as a basis for unequal division of property. But from the point of view of the law enforcement function in Russia, these are more legal curiosities than a sample of established judicial practice," the specialist draws attention to.
Even if a person bets on the condition of the marriage contract, in which, in the case of adultery, the property acquired during the marriage period will be divided into unequal shares, then, most likely, the second spouse will be able to challenge this in court. The servants of Themis recognize such a clause of the family contract as invalid by virtue of the law.
In addition, information about one of the spouses, obtained "from under the floor" with the help of semi-legal and semi-official applications, cannot be considered proper admissible evidence in the judicial process, Pavel Korniako is convinced. They do not deserve attention because they have no justification from a practical point of view.
— As for the situation when one of the partners "rummages" in the other's phone, then certain statuses of the spouses may be taken into account, - the lawyer warns. — For example, if a husband or wife is an operative, then they may have information related to operationally relevant information stored in their gadgets. But, I repeat, such questions relate more to psychology than to the legal sphere.
Why doesn't everyone get jealous
Psychologist Yuri Kudryavtsev considers jealousy to be an echo of a deep fear of loneliness. People who experience this feeling tend to hold onto the object of their love by any means necessary.
— Jealousy in itself is a destructive feeling, because a jealous person treats his partner as property and tries to completely control the other person's life. This is very similar to a variant of a codependent relationship, where the partner acts in three roles at once: jealous – tyrant – controller," the expert explains.
Low self—esteem and self-doubt can be fertile ground for the development of jealousy, hence the deep fear of loneliness, he emphasizes. Even people with conventionally beautiful, by generally accepted standards, appearance can suffer from low self-esteem and self-doubt, the expert warns.
In turn, Candidate of Psychological Sciences Alina Koroleva associates jealousy with the fear of losing a loved one as a result of infidelity. This feeling becomes destructive if it takes up most of your time and thoughts, and the intensity of your passions becomes high.
— They are not born jealous, but they become jealous, since children are practically a "blank slate" at birth. It is with age that children acquire the skills and attitudes they have received from society and their parents," continues Yuri Kudryavtsev.
According to the psychologist, if a child had a love deficit in childhood, then in adulthood there is a high risk of developing low self-esteem. All this can lead to the formation of a jealous person who will do his best to keep the "object of love" around him.
"Difficulties in forming healthy emotional attachment and trust can also be factors in the development of pathological jealousy," says Alina Koroleva. — And an additional factor in adulthood can be betrayal, betrayal in a past relationship.
The intensity of jealousy, according to the expert, largely depends on the type of nervous system. Choleric people, characterized by emotional instability and short temper, are predisposed to more vivid manifestations.
How to understand that a partner is cheating
Family relations are based on fundamental values, mutual respect and trust with common life goals and interests, emphasizes Yuri Kudryavtsev. When one of the spouses checks the phone of the chosen one and searches through personal belongings in search of compromising material, this indicates that there is simply no trust between the partners. Such a relationship, according to the expert, will not last long.
— Such things can happen when a relationship was initially built without a basic value foundation. Sexual compatibility alone is not enough to create a family, warns Izvestia's interlocutor.
According to psychologists, in dubious situations, when there are reasonable suspicions of infidelity, a partner can be asked for an explanation. However, Yuri Kudryavtsev warns that throwing tantrums and making scandals is pointless and destructive.
— In any incomprehensible situation, emotions should be removed and simply asked to explain the reasons for the "strange" behavior, — the expert advises. — If there is no cause for concern, then you will avoid scandals and increase trust. If the anxiety is justified, you should work with the boundaries of acceptable actions and explain to your partner the risk of further provocations, up to and including divorce.
By eliminating emotions, you can spend less moral energy, the psychologist believes. This will allow you to make sound decisions even in unpleasant situations.
Meanwhile, Alina Koroleva believes that a scandal in some cases will be an absolutely normal reaction if there is no way to contain indignation. But still, it is better to resolve issues of trust in a relationship whenever possible.
— For married couples or their individual representatives who, to one degree or another, are even thinking about finding compromising evidence against their spouse, I would advise them to terminate their marriage at this stage, without spending money and nerves searching for such evidence. If there is no trust in a family, then it is not a family, but some other substance of interaction, in which there are no such categories as love, trust and mutual respect," says Pavel Korniako.
Long work on yourself
Of course, no one should be happy that a loved one is cheating or courting someone else. However, people should understand that a partner does not have to always be there for them. Alina Koroleva considers a slight fear of losing a loved one to be normal, since it creates value for both the current moment of the relationship and the chosen one.
In a marriage between spouses, emotional intimacy strengthens over time, thanks to which the partners begin to feel each other, the psychologist emphasizes. Accordingly, if there is infidelity or cooling in a relationship, then a person will definitely pay attention to such changes. The circumstances that raise doubts are different, and it is only natural to clarify the situation in order to relieve tension.
— If jealousy is unfounded, further interaction between the two sides is required. One partner can drop the charges by providing facts about why he is, for example, late after work. And a jealous person needs internal work to increase his self—worth," the Izvestia interlocutor believes.
If a person is aware of the pathology of his jealousy, then he needs to deal with the internal state, find the causes in himself and eliminate them. And admitting that he is jealous is already half the victory, Yuri Kudryavtsev believes. You can overcome this negative feeling only by raising your own self-esteem, learning the skills of emotionally independent relationships and changing your own life scenario. This may require long and complex work with a psychologist or a family relations specialist. For example, a person should understand that it is pointless to condemn flirting, because, as a rule, its reason lies in a lack of attention from a partner, the expert clarifies.
At the same time, it is important to understand that in cases where real betrayal is involved, it is the one who has cheated who should restore trust if the relationship is decided to be preserved, Alina Koroleva emphasizes.
— Unfortunately, it often happens that understanding is required from the deceived party, — the psychologist comments. — For example, my husband says: "You have to trust me." No, the deceived partner should not swallow the betrayal and pretend that nothing happened. But the task of the cheater is to restore trust.
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