Family decline: in which cases divorce is inevitable
Family life does not cease to test Russians for strength. According to statistics, for every nine new marriages last year, there were eight divorces. The authorities have taken serious care of the situation, and now you can even save your home with the help of a mediator at public expense. Izvestia figured out in which situations a relationship should be broken off without hesitation, and when it makes sense to fight for marriage.
Five reasons to break up
Candidate of Psychological Sciences Alina Koroleva considers indifference to a partner to be the first sign that you will have to break up after all: this is a signal that all feelings have already died, as well as the relationship itself.
— Indifference is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. While a partner is touching, infuriating, and repulsive, we are talking about a relationship that "lives and breathes," the psychologist comments.
Sexologist and psychiatrist Alexey Vilkov also sees the risk of a breakup if the partners are indifferent to each other. Except when the situation suits them and they initially formed an alliance without strong passion and affection. If emotions were high at the very beginning, divorce is almost inevitable. It is possible to revive a relationship if the partners understand that this situation is not normal for them, and are ready for hard work.
The second problem that puts an end to marriage is physical violence. Alina Koroleva believes that if this happens, then the family cannot be saved.
— After the first blow, you can put an end to the relationship. This is a line that is better not to go beyond. No matter how scary and difficult it may seem to break up with such a person, staying with him is dangerous both for the psyche and for life, the psychologist warns.
She considers long-term parallel relationships on the side to be the third reason for divorce. In such a situation, there can be no question of maintaining trust in a partner, which means that the marriage is under threat.
— Cheating is a signal that a partner prefers not to solve problems within the marriage, but compensates for the lack of vivid emotions by being distracted on the side, — explains the psychologist.
The exceptions are fleeting hobbies and one-time infidelities. According to Alexey Vilkov, if the spouses come to the conclusion that there is an opportunity to fix something and need to work together on the relationship, then there is a chance to save the marriage.
In fourth place is any addiction: alcohol, drugs, gambling. When the stage of destruction of social ties begins, it makes no sense to cling to marriage.
— You can support your partner and help him get rid of addiction if he takes steps to heal himself. But if a person is falling into an abyss and does not adequately assess what is happening, then all that remains is to step aside so as not to die with him," comments Koroleva.
Daria Serebryakova, a clinical psychologist and deputy head of the rehabilitation program at Dr. Isaev's Clinic, emphasizes that the lion's share of divorces is related specifically to alcoholism, drug addiction and gambling addiction.
— When a patient is dangerous to himself and others, or is helpless, he is unable to perform household duties, or is disabled. Then the spouse actually has an adult with a disability in their arms," Serebryakova comments.
From the point of view of a clinical psychologist, in most cases everything can be fixed in the process of long-term rehabilitation, but if it is impossible to send a patient for treatment for various reasons, and his condition poses an increasing danger, it is necessary to "escape" from this relationship.
— If all persuasion is useless, and you see a significant decrease in the quality of life, and most importantly, a threat to yourself and your mental health, for your children, then this is definitely a reason for divorce, — says Daria Serebryakova.
Psychological violence, abuse, and gaslighting are the fifth and very important reason for a breakup. The house ceases to be a fortress, and the relationship is bursting at the seams if one keeps the other in constant tension, unreasonably accuses of all sins, devalues merits and manipulates, forcing to doubt their adequacy.
As an example of mental abuse, Alina Koroleva cites a situation where the couple agrees that the woman will babysit and the man will earn money, and then the husband begins to tightly control expenses, preventing his wife from spending on herself.
— The abuser is characterized by aggressiveness, excitability, intense jealousy, and distrust. He demonstrates psychological, physical, and emotional abuse of a partner with elements of humiliation and violation of personal boundaries," explains Alexey Vilkov.
The gaslighter seems to be trying to change reality in his favor, imposing his point of view on the victim and convincing her of her own inadequate perception. The harshest version of this behavior, with emotional abuse, is not very common. According to the sexologist, gaslighting is usually associated with an attempt to consciously shift responsibility for what is happening to a partner, rather than take it on yourself. He keeps saying it's someone else's fault.
— It happens in many families.: some more often, some less often. In most cases, this is how ordinary family relationships manifest themselves with scandals, quarrels, misunderstandings and contradictions," explains Alexey Vilkov.
When can I save my marriage?
If there are no such situations in a relationship, then you can and should think about saving your marriage. The first reason that the home should be protected is the family crisis that many spouses are experiencing. In this case, there are frequent scandals, intimate life worsens, people move away from each other, but the psychologist advises to be patient and openly talk about their problems.
— Any crisis is a signal that there is discomfort and ambiguity. And with a family situation, it becomes necessary to convey your feelings to your partner. If you hear and understand each other, then the relationship can be preserved," the psychologist comments.
Alexey Vilkov notes that the most acute family crisis occurs after three years of living together, when the trail of strong, pronounced love disappears, and the partner's idealization disappears. Flaws become visible, and if they overshadow the positive aspects, there is a threat of separation. It's worth thinking about: perhaps it's time to give up illusions and, if possible, accept your spouse for who he is, without trying to remake him. If this is successful, then an important stage has been passed. The next crisis may occur after seven years of marriage. You can prepare for it: partners should have common goals, the couple should develop and move forward.
The second reason that keeps you from getting a divorce is any important change in your life. For example, the birth of a child, a change of job or place of residence, repairs, or a financial crisis. After successful joint trials, the relationship becomes better and stronger.
— These are such peculiar family "crash tests". When life flows normally and smoothly, many problems are compensated and smoothed out. With changes, they become "convex", and it is difficult not to notice them. It is important for partners to find the desire and strength to regulate and "grind down" what came out as a result of the changes, says Alina Koroleva.
In the third position, difficult situations that are not worth extinguishing the family hearth are a personal crisis of the wife or husband.
— This crisis may be related to age, the search for meaning in life, health or work, self-realization. During such periods, a person becomes self-absorbed and is inaccessible to contact with a partner. We need to understand this," says Alina Koroleva.
According to the psychologist, trying to fix something in a relationship during such a period is not the best idea. The partner's resources are directed deep into himself and to get out of a personal crisis. When it ends, the relationship will return to a comfortable option.
The fourth reason for the preservation of marriage is children and a common cause, to which the spouses have devoted time and effort. We are not talking about preserving the family at any cost, but it is important to understand that the negative consequences of divorce will greatly affect children or become a problem for business, so it is worth making every effort to preserve the marriage.
The "Victoria Danilchenko Bar Association" explained that if the spouses have minor children together, it is necessary to formalize the process of divorce through the court. At the same time, not only the moral side suffers, but also the material side. The lawyer reminds that the amount of the state fee for the dissolution of marriage (this amount is paid by each spouse) is 5 thousand rubles. If there are also claims to determine the place of residence of children, to collect alimony or to divide jointly acquired property, then a state fee is also paid for each of them. Therefore, you should not cut from the shoulder. And if there were much more good things than difficulties, then the situation can and should be tried to resolve, the psychologist emphasizes.
The fifth point is family burnout, which is very similar to the cooling in a relationship. Emotions are dulled, but the situation can and should be corrected.
— We often hear about professional burnout, but this condition also happens in relationships. Emotional overload, living through difficult periods, and inability to handle your emotions can lead to fatigue and emasculation of feelings, warns Alina Koroleva.
You can get out of such burnout, restore feelings and the brightness of emotions through work on relationships and psychological techniques.
How to get out of a marriage crisis
So, what should you do if your marriage is bursting at the seams and people don't want to leave? First of all, we must try to cope with the emotional background. The psychologist recommends expressing the accumulated emotions in a safe way, because they prevent you from talking and finding common ground. For example, sports and special practices will help you to safely drop them.
— There is such a daily practice of "morning pages" — this is when you take three album sheets of paper and write everything that comes to mind. That is, you put all your worries and emotions on paper. To effectively get rid of negative feelings, you need to do this practice every day for at least a week," the psychologist advises.
The current situation should be discussed calmly, with mutual respect. According to Koroleva, as a rule, it turns out that partners see the situation differently and these different pictures prevent them from finding a common language. It will take time for partners to actually integrate someone else's picture into their own, to accept the other's right to their opinion. After that, you can move on to finding solutions to overcome the family crisis. The task of this stage is to make life in a couple more convenient and comfortable, to update familiar things, both everyday and related to communication. In particular, the psychologist advises thanking each other more often, even for small things — a cup of coffee, cooked food, laundry.
— When partners live together for a long time, a lot of things become familiar, self-evident. This leads to fatigue and emotional burnout. But once you start saying "thank you" to your loved one every day, the emotional atmosphere in the relationship will change," suggests Alina Koroleva.
A psychologist considers dating to be an excellent way to help restore romance and refresh relationships: they can be arranged as if during a courtship period. But the Queen considers the decision to leave for a while to be a risky way.
— In separation, you can find that it is better individually than together. Moreover, this conclusion will not always be correct. It's just that if there is an acute unresolved conflict, separating means instantly relieving most of the emotional stress. But this will not solve the problem, but will only allow you to get away from it," the expert warns.
How the mediator will help
The authorities were also seriously concerned about the number of divorces and suggested that the spouses seek the help of a mediator, an independent person who is not involved in the situation and knows how to organize a dialogue between partners. In Moscow, they even launched a project for the peaceful resolution of parting conflicts. Free consultations are now available to married couples who apply to the public service centers "My Documents" for divorce. Mediation helps spouses to stop in time, look at the situation from a new perspective and establish a relationship, if possible.
— It happens that partners decide to divorce in a hurry, after a quarrel, accidental betrayal or misunderstandings. Then they will regret what they did. In this case, mediation will help to abandon an unconstructive decision, cope with a family crisis and maintain a relationship," says Alina Koroleva.
If, during the mediation process, the spouses confirm their decision to divorce, then they have the opportunity to resolve all issues peacefully among themselves, the expert emphasizes. But a mediator can only help if the husband and wife want to come to an agreement on their own. This is not realistic if the actions of the partners are driven by resentment and anger.
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