In a successful search: what not to be afraid of when dating
According to the results of a study by the dating service Mamba, in 2025 the majority of Russians intend to establish their personal life. Relationships will be a priority for 65% of women and 58% of men. At the same time, 70% of Russians believe in love, so dreams can become reality. What problems can meet on the way to an ideal marriage and how to become happy despite the difficulties - in the material "Izvestia".
Idealization of a potential partner
Most often at appointments with psychotherapists people complain about shyness and insecurity, which ultimately prevents dating and communication with the opposite sex, reports artificial intelligence in response to a question about the most frequent complaints of Russians in this area. Another obstacle is that many people are too picky when choosing a partner, making exaggerated demands. They unsuccessfully search for the ideal and can't do anything about their claims.
Ideal people do not exist - everyone has its advantages and disadvantages, says candidate of psychological sciences Alina Koroleva. This should be taken into account in order not to be disappointed in dating and not to be alone.
- Each person who is in search of a life partner, endows the intended object of his love with a set of certain qualities, which, as a rule, contradict each other. And most often they do not exist in one individual person at all, - warns matchmaker Anna Osipova.
Problems with self-identification also greatly hinder the approach to the cherished goal - a happy relationship. Someone overestimates himself, and others, on the contrary, overly self-critical. Both run the risk of being out of business, says the matchmaker. Everything needs harmony and the golden mean.
- It is necessary to sit down and answer yourself to simple, but very important questions: "Why do I need a relationship? What do I want from them? How do I want to feel close to my partner? What can I share with him/her?". The answers should be honest: the main thing is not to lie to yourself and not to be guided by the opinion of society in this matter. You answer to yourself, not to others. Not always the socially approved story is suitable for you," says Anna Osipova.
According to the matchmaker, only by understanding yourself, you can direct your energies in a promising direction and stop wasting time, relying on fantasies that have nothing to do with reality.
Fear of the first meeting
Shyness and insecurity at the first meeting - it is quite natural manifestations, says Anna Osipova. Everyone is nervous: both men and women. And it is often due to past negative experiences that almost every person has in matters of dating.
- Dating is a workout, like fitness. If you are in search of a partner, the more communication you have with the opposite sex, the freer you feel in any society. And most importantly, you will realize who you really need or don't need at all," says the matchmaker.
On the first date Anna Osipova advises first of all to be yourself and forget about the fact that someone someone ostensibly owes something.
- For example, it is believed that "a man should entertain and make conversation". But a man is not a clown or an animator, and you are not Princess Nesmeiana to entertain you. You see each other for the first time, it should be a dialog that is like a kind of ping-pong, light and a little exciting, " explains Anna Osipova.
According to matchmaker, at the first meeting is important everything: punctuality, neat appearance, respectful attitude to others, in particular, to the staff of the institution where the date is held.
- And do not pretend to be something you are not. If you are worried, then say it honestly. This recognition will defuse the situation and add you points in communication. And your interlocutor will "exhale", because he is probably worried. Then the conversation will flow in a calmer direction," continues Anna Osipova.
Understand and anticipate
Anna Osipova believes that it is not necessary to chop from the shoulder and immediately dismiss a stranger if he has not shown himself in any way. Not everyone is able to immediately open up and from shyness sometimes can not present themselves in the best way. Matchmaker recommends adhering to the rule of three dates, which will make it clear, your person or not.
The first meeting does not always allow to make a complete picture: affect the excitement, shyness and the very "laws of meanness", because of which a good man may not appear in the best form.
- In my practice there were cases when people categorically did not like each other on the first date, but I, realizing that they are still suitable for each other, convinced them to meet again. On the second date there was a more positive conversation, and on the third date they went to the store to choose a chandelier, - says Anna Osipova.
Matchmaker recommends to keep the balance of "listening - talking". That is, each interlocutor should have the opportunity to speak out, and not try to insert a word in the endless monologue of another person. People are especially tired of endless complaints about life and exes.
- Politics, child rearing, religious preferences - taboo on the first date. If your interlocutor discusses these topics in a judgmental form, and you are unpleasant, you can safely get up and leave. You are not obliged to listen to a disgruntled person with his claims to the world. There is no point in wasting your time and nerves on this," comments the expert.
Let someone from the outside will seem ugly sudden departure: there are situations when you should put the emotional balance in the first place, and not try hard to please others, emphasizes matchmaker. Self too should not abuse the location of another person and pour on the interlocutor of his experiences.
- A comfortable date is when people are open to dialog and do not pour dirt on the ex, the government, the boss and the waiter. Both are positively inclined to find common ground and common interests in each other, - says Anna Osipova.
Ability to analyze
When getting acquainted, it is important to study each other carefully and pay attention to all the things that at least something embarrassing, warns Alina Koroleva. Sometimes the little things that are not given importance, then grow into irreconcilable problems in the relationship, which eventually leads to parting.
- It makes no sense to try to change yourself, to make "more comfortable" for the relationship. This position can not provide comfort in the relationship for a long period of time. It is impossible to constantly pretend, - warns the psychologist.
Alina Koroleva notes that now people attach more importance to the quality of relationships and less often than before, agree to any communication, just to avoid being alone.
- Good and happy relationships are those in which we feel secure. For example, when at home with a partner, we can be ourselves and are not afraid of attacks and internal struggles," comments Koroleva.
Such security, according to the psychologist, consists of several important things. First of all, partners need the ability to interact with each other emotionally independent, that is, not to shift responsibility to the other.
- It is impossible to interact normally when one person constantly blames others. Everyone is to blame for something bad, and this unpleasantness just happened to him. This is an unproductive position for an adult," warns the psychologist.
When everyone knows how to be responsible for themselves and their actions, it is easy to agree on various issues in a relationship, the expert emphasizes.
- It is also important to coincide on values. The fiercest conflicts in the family arise on the basis of differences in interests. For example, for one is important creative mess, and for another - neatness in everything - continues Alina Koroleva
A significant moment, from the psychologist's point of view, is a sense of humor. If people joke "in different planes", they will definitely speak different languages. So when dating, you should also give importance to the level of wit of your partner.
- The ideal situation for a relationship is when your "cockroaches" dance synchronously. That is, the shortcomings of the partner you do not piss you off, but amuse. For relationships is also preferable if the partners have similar past experiences, then it is easier to understand each other, - explains Alina Koroleva.
The psychologist emphasizes that it is important for people to "look in the same direction", that is, to have the same life goals. It doesn't matter what kind of goals, the main thing is that they should coincide.
Переведено сервисом «Яндекс Переводчик»
