The same in profile: is it necessary to revive relationships with exes
Failures in their personal lives force Russians to seek solace from their ex-spouses. Those who fail to start a new relationship decide to resume the old ones. In this case, you no longer need to spend extra time and money on getting to know each other, all the positive and negative sides of the partner are known, but at the same time there is a risk of getting bogged down in old squabbles, remembering insults and infidelities. Is it possible to glue a broken cup and enter the same river for the second time — in the Izvestia article.
Advantages and disadvantages
Emotional attachment helps to revive a union with exes, which usually pushes for the restoration of relationships, says psychotherapist and sexologist Alexei Vilkov. The main advantage of such a renaissance is that people already know each other well — they know both the positive qualities of the partner and his shortcomings. Therefore, you no longer have to wait for any surprises from him and there is no need to try to somehow prove yourself, interest and intrigue. From the point of view of a sexologist, such a relationship can be more or less stable if both decide to start all over again, without recalling past resentments.
— Of course, there is a risk that previous problems will arise if the partners have not resolved past contradictions and have not forgiven each other for the shortcomings that led to the breakup, — warns the sexologist.
Professional matchmaker Anna Osipova believes that there are practically no advantages in resuming a relationship, since returning to exes and a new life with them ends with the same routine as it was before the breakup.
— Nothing changes, everything is the same. Relationships are being built anew, but people remain the same," comments Anna Osipova. — Most of the time, the fact that a person has changed is just an illusion. However, this is possible, but only if people want it and work on themselves.
People are not capable of radically changing for the better, Alexey Vilkov believes. You should not count on this when reuniting. A partner can promise that everything will be different than before, but most often the desired changes do not come. And then people will be disappointed again, which will lead to a new breakup or force them to come to terms with the fact that no changes are expected. As a result, the quality of the relationship can deteriorate to the point of psychosomatic symptoms — that is, deterioration of physical health due to moral suffering.
A thin world
From the matchmaker's point of view, it is possible to return to a relationship only if the partners have undergone joint therapy with a psychologist, have really worked out their "troubles", and all their "cockroaches" have been subdued and "put on the shelves". The reason for the breakup also plays a role. According to Anna Osipova, sometimes it happens that the union broke up because it was created too early. Or maybe the partners just didn't understand each other, and it took time to sort out their relationship. And if people have really worked themselves out, rethought past experiences, then you can try this chance.
— Let's say there were many advantages, but outweighed the disadvantages, which seemed simply tragic. Then people pushed around, went looking for other partners, realized that there was no queue for anyone, and it was necessary to invest both morally and financially in a new relationship. And we decided that the best is the enemy of the good, and if the former is also alone, then why not try to live together," the matchmaker comments.
Anna Osipova emphasizes that in this case, it is most often about living out your life.
Before returning to a former relationship, the sexologist also recommends analyzing the problems that caused people to run away in different directions at the time. You can get back together even if one of the spouses has cheated on the other. But in this case, you should work out the reason for the betrayal, determine the responsibility of each of the parties and work on yourself, improving yourself. With this option, there is a chance that the relationship will improve, despite the hurtful reason for the breakup. But people need to understand that they need to change together and that it's impossible to remake a person if they don't want to. If such an understanding gradually comes, then partners can start life from scratch, provided that they look at each other more objectively, without unnecessary illusions, Alexey Vilkov emphasizes.
How to forget a grudge
Let's say a couple decided to reunite. Now the main thing is not to stoop to discussing the past, not to stir up the memory of unpleasant moments, not to raise previous problems and not to succumb to negative memories. The sexologist emphasizes that it is important to start from scratch and build relationships from the standpoint of the present, that is, "here and now", so that old problems do not interfere with reunification.
— Any reminder of the past will re-aggravate old traumas and increase feelings. And all this is a provoking factor for a crisis in a new relationship," warns Alexey Vilkov.
The matchmaker also emphasizes that it is impossible to raise the topic of infidelity in a resurgent relationship, if it was adultery that caused the breakup. Otherwise, why start all over again? Nothing will come of such an idea if you constantly think about the past and remind yourself.
— If the abandoned side does not destroy this resentment in itself in any way, it will live, and memories will live with it. A person will not trust a partner, and trust is more than love. If trust leaves a couple, then there is no way to save it," says Anna Osipova.
If the union once collapsed due to a strong difference in characters and worldview, then it makes no sense to step on the same rake again.
— In this case, the reunion of partners will result in constant abuse, or result in a severe mental disorder, psychopathy or alcoholism, — warns Alexey Vilkov. — Of course, for the sake of such a prospect, it makes no sense to return the relationship, even if the emotional attachment and assurances of the partner do their best to push the opposite.
If people have forgiven each other for cheating, realized that their views coincide, and mutual sympathy has not disappeared, then a comeback is quite possible.
— As for the new level of past relationships, factors such as emotional attachment and good sexual compatibility usually come to the fore. The partners know each other very well, so they don't have to get used to each other. The force of habit helps them to get closer again, whereas in a new relationship these factors are absent and it is necessary to get used to the partner, to put up with his shortcomings, with the peculiarity of the sexual sphere, the sexologist argues.
However, the remake will no longer have the intense passion and vivid emotions inherent in a new relationship, the expert emphasizes. But you can count on stability, cohesion and the understanding that peace is the key to a harmonious relationship. And if the partners are working on the relationship, then you can relive the renaissance of sexual life.
Why do we choose one type?
Sometimes it is not necessary to return the former partner in order to feel all the "charms" of a relationship that once ended in a painful breakup. The sexologist reminds us that in psychology there is such a thing as a scenario. We are talking about a kind of plan for life, which is formed in the subconscious during childhood under the influence of parents or other close people. When choosing a partner, a certain scenario also appears. People will willy-nilly choose the model of relationships adopted in the family. And if she was negative, then her personal life will be full of worries and torments. Partners, depending on the scenario, "get" the roles of victim or tyrant, codependent or dependent. If a person leaves such an exhausting relationship, then consciously or subconsciously chooses a new partner similar to the previous one. This similarity, according to Vilkov, can manifest itself in appearance, and especially in a person's character traits, habits, and lifestyle.
What should I do to prevent this from happening? After breaking up with an unsuitable partner, you should independently or with a specialist work out a scenario for a relationship with him. And then there is an opportunity to get out of the vicious circle and count on other relationships, more harmonious and happy.
The matchmaker emphasizes that it is men who are most often "typecast." So, 90 percent of the stronger sex, coming to a marriage agency, choose partners who are similar to their former life partners.
— Even if this guy has repeatedly ridden a skating rink through his life and stepped on his throat, he will still be looking for this blonde with blue eyes (conditionally), but only 10 years younger. If a 60-year—old man has had three wives in the past, then they are all exactly the same," says Anna Osipova. — And only 10 percent of men are guided not by the type, but by the inner world of the chosen one, her character, and think about not only what she is like, but how they will interact with her.
According to the matchmaker, it is easier with women in this regard — they are guided by the character of a man, his achievements and can communicate with different types. When choosing partners, ladies are more motivated and always listen to advice. "Of course, they also have an ideal image in their head, but when choosing partners they are more motivated and listen to advice. And the sooner you get away from illusions and stereotypes, the sooner you can become happy," says the matchmaker.
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