I made him up: why can't women find a husband
The problems plaguing women aged 30+ are being actively discussed on social media. Ladies complain about the lack of privacy. Some people fail to meet the man of their dreams - well—off, generous, capable of grand gestures, while others are afraid of abusers and gaslighters and do not risk getting involved in a new relationship. Izvestia looked into what really prevents women from meeting their fate and whether early marriages will help fix the situation.
Apartment, car, cottage
Society has long since stopped reminding women about the ticking clock — everyone is used to late marriages. However, Russians who have crossed the threshold of youth are seriously concerned about the lack of relationships themselves and do not know how to make a fateful acquaintance. More often than not, wealthy women who have established themselves in the profession fall into the trap of loneliness. They complain that they can't meet a man of their level, and they don't want to lower the bar. But, from the point of view of professional matchmaker Anna Osipova, in this case the reason is not the social status of the woman — we are talking about the immaturity of the personality.
— The fact is that our women, no matter how old they are, consider a man as a function. As soon as they understand why they need a partner, and stop measuring everyone with money, cars, apartments and expensive gifts, everything will be fine in their personal lives," comments Anna Osipova. — Can you name me at least one person who was made happy not by love and family relationships, but by apartments, cars and money?
The matchmaker warns: the longer a woman holds the proverbial bar, the longer she will be alone.
— Is she happy alone in a luxury apartment? If it's good, then it's fine. And if she did come to a psychologist or coach and asked what she should do, then she still needs to remove this word from her vocabulary, not lower or overestimate the bar," emphasizes Anna Osipova.
According to the matchmaker, women can be proud of their achievements as much as they want, but they will have to be happy about it alone.
— Men have now been turned into people who must earn the right to be with the "perfect" woman. But they don't need it. A man will find a simpler woman and will surprise her with daisies and chocolates. And planes and steamships will surprise a girl if she is a real beauty, she is up to 25 years old and she is ready to be with a man who is 30 years older than her," the matchmaker says ironically.
According to Anna Osipova, if a woman believes that a man is only required to provide for his partner, then she should consult a psychologist who will explain what an infantile position is.
"I can say that no partner in the world, no man, can love a woman like a father," emphasizes Anna Osipova. — Therefore, either a partnership is waiting for her, when everyone is equally invested in the family, or a woman continues to sit alone and wait for a handsome prince.
How will the life of the heroes of the film "Moscow does not believe in tears" turn out?
A woman with high social achievements is, first of all, a certain mindset and values, thanks to which she has achieved what she has, emphasizes Alina Koroleva, Candidate of Psychological Sciences. Does she need to moderate her demands when looking for a partner?
— It depends on what kind of relationship a woman wants: if there are passions and feelings of youth, then you can lower the bar — a young guy without special social achievements will do. If a woman wants a partnership, then she still needs a man of comparable social achievements. Then they will have similar thinking and approach to solving different tasks. They will appreciate and understand what is happening at each other's work or in business, — Alina Koroleva, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, enters into the discussion.
The psychologist believes that a misalliance is also not excluded for a relationship, but with a lot of reservations. A partner should share the values of a woman, strive for something more and develop. He needs to understand the value of work for his wife.
Recently, it has become fashionable to reflect on psychological processes by analyzing famous feature films. The cult film "Moscow does not believe in tears" is considered as a vivid example of a misalliance. Not everyone is optimistic about the future of Gosha and Katerina's relationship.
— They will try very hard at the very beginning.: he will pretend that he is not offended by the high status of the chosen one, and she will pretend that she is fine with Gosha the locksmith," says Alina Koroleva. — That is, everyone will try not to be themselves. But sooner or later reality will take over. Gosha will devalue everything important to Ekaterina, and she will try to adjust it to her status. This will lead to constant conflicts and eventually to separation.
Matchmaker Anna Osipova does not advise hiding your status at the very beginning of dating, so as not to get into an unpleasant situation later, similar to the one that almost destroyed the relationship of the main characters of the Oscar-winning film at the very beginning. At the same time, this status should not be emphasized either.
— The contribution to the family can be different. If a woman works hard and holds a high position, then she does not have to give up her position. Such a woman just needs someone who understands this and accepts it," the matchmaker comments. — If a woman has everything in order with self-esteem, then for her the status of a man is unimportant, for her the love and attitude of this man towards her is important. Because reciprocal feelings are largely determined by the attitude of a man towards a woman.
Anna Osipova advises all women at home to "turn off the boss," arguing that otherwise no man would be able to stay with them.
— In the competition for the role of the main one, a woman always loses if she starts to "push" a man in a partner, wants something unreal from him, and her life partner is not able to conquer this peak, - the matchmaker continues.
It makes no sense to talk about family harmony in this case, because the relationship will be difficult or break up altogether.
However, the high financial position of the chosen one also does not guarantee cloudless happiness, the matchmaker believes. In her opinion, a cool and rich partner of high social status may not put his spouse in anything, limit her freedom and activities. Such husbands often do not allow their wives to develop and insist that the woman integrate into his life, forgetting about her own.
— I do not urge you to go to extremes. But it only depends on women whether they will sit in towers like Rapunzel or spend their best life and best years with their loved one, even if not as rich as they want," continues Anna Osipova.
Abusers and gaslighters
The fear of repeating abusive relationships or meeting a gaslighter again holds women back no less than fears of a misalliance.
— There is tyranny and there is power with a capital letter, — explains psychologist Alina Koroleva. — Tyranny is often disguised as strength, which is typical of the abuser. This can be learned at the beginning of a relationship by pushing a man's ideas, ignoring a woman's needs and shifting responsibility to others. The abuser always describes the situation as if others are to blame, but not himself.
Alina Koroleva reminds us about such a thing as a hidden contract for a relationship: an unspoken agreement, based on which partners expect something from the other, without saying it out loud. Meanwhile, this "something" is suggested to be accepted in a relationship directly or indirectly.
But how can you guess what exactly a partner wants if they don't voice it? The psychologist recommends listening carefully to phrases that may sometimes relate to the past relationships of the chosen one. Sometimes they are based on opposition.
— For example, a man says that he is tired of mercantile women, and utters the phrase: "You're not like that." So, in fact, he suggests not counting on his finances. Or: "When I'm upset, I yell at my loved ones, but the rest of the time I'm completely sane." That is, she offers to endure his emotional breakdowns," explains Alina Koroleva.
Such moments help to understand the attitude towards a relationship at the very beginning, the psychologist believes. According to Koroleva, there is a positive message in a hidden contract. For example, when a person says: "we will take care of emotional comfort between us together," or "we will build a house, create a business and have children," or "we will develop and earn money."
Caution at the very beginning of a relationship is extremely important. But before looking for advice on how not to meet an abuser or a gigolo, the matchmaker advises you to listen to yourself in order to understand exactly what a woman is afraid of. "Life is such that we attract exactly what we are afraid of," explains Anna Osipova.
— Mature women don't go to psychologists for nothing. "Rewiring" subconscious programs and mechanisms, changing one's relationship scenario helps create an opportunity for happiness, and avoid repeating past negative experiences," notes Alina Koroleva.
How to find a husband
Representatives of the older generation believe that early marriage can be a salvation for women from imminent loneliness in middle age. In youth, the demands are low, and there are fewer fears.
But the psychologist does not agree with this, especially since there is no trend towards such marriages now. The expert believes that modern youth just want to not strain themselves and not take responsibility for such an important step. And in order for the situation to change, boys and girls should be taught the basics of family life.
— Ideally, from the age of 18, it would be good for young people to attend a school of happy relationships, where they can gain knowledge about a healthy, emotionally independent partnership, while simultaneously working with psychologists on a happy relationship scenario. After that, you can start a family at an early age," Koroleva believes.
For those who have already passed the age of adolescence and are faced with the problem of loneliness, the psychologist advises them to study themselves well in search of a partner and determine what exactly is important.
"Happiness is possible when partners remain themselves in a relationship, they don't have to pretend and wear masks,— explains Koroleva. — You can find a suitable life partner anywhere: at work, on vacation, or on a dating site.
Anna Osipova once again emphasizes that the chances of meeting a kind and good man increase if a woman treats the opposite sex with respect and does not make claims to potential partners. The matchmaker advises starting small: for example, thanking for help and wishing a good day to the courier who delivered the order, rather than looking at it with ill-concealed contempt. A friendly facial expression, which inevitably appears due to good thoughts, will adorn any woman.
— Such training is useful: fall in love with a hypothetical man, wish him well. For example, a passerby walks towards you — for those 30 seconds while you walk past each other, you will love him mentally," the matchmaker suggests. — It may sound strange, but after a week of such training, you will realize that the exercise really works. And then there will be fewer lonely angry women who walk around with faces that send obscenities, and there will be good, light and smiling ones. And they will definitely meet their loved ones.
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