Tit in the hand: does it make sense to wait for fabulous love for years
The story of a Muscovite who has been searching for a casual acquaintance for eight years has shocked Internet users. Men wish a lover good luck, and girls envy a beautiful stranger. However, experts in the field of psychology do not share this romantic attitude. Izvestia figured out how to call such a passion — true love or deviation from the norm.
Sympathy or diagnosis
The Telegram channel Mash told about a chance meeting that literally turned the life of a Moscow physics engineer upside down. Eight long years have passed since a Muscovite met a beautiful girl in line at the relics of Nicholas the Wonderworker in the Cathedral of Christ the Savior. At the entrance to the building, they were separated by staff standing in a cordon. The man didn't even have time to ask for the beautiful stranger's phone number. She's been on his mind ever since. A man who is hopelessly in love is looking for his ideal in all possible ways. For the sake of higher earnings and the opportunity to move around the city a lot, he got a job as a courier. Subscribers wish the lover good luck, the girls even dream of meeting a man with such a strong feeling on the path of life. But experts in the field of psychology have a different view of the situation.
From the point of view of the clinical picture in this case, we see an obsession that has nothing to do with love, says clinical psychologist, sexologist, psychosomatologist Sergey Volkov.
Obsession is a pathological fixation of attention on the object of attraction. In this story, we experts see active stalking — stalking of the victim, who, apparently, is very lucky that this man does not know where she lives," the expert explained.
At the moment, the State Duma is considering a bill on criminal liability for obsessive harassment, which should protect victims from such a situation.
Sergey Volkov draws attention to the fact that the man even changed jobs based on the convenience of finding a woman, and not because of other motives (career, family support, etc.). This alone, from the point of view of a clinical psychologist, indicates the social destruction of personality.
— The ICD-10 (classifier of diseases) contains a large list of psychiatric disorders associated with attachment disorders. I believe that in such cases it is necessary to consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible for in-depth research, and relatives and friends should not ignore the problem, considering that this is a funny feature," comments Sergey Volkov.
According to the expert, in severe cases, such people easily turn into real maniacs: they can kidnap a person, cause physical harm to themselves and others. The possessed person is not capable of killing, because he really believes that he sincerely loves the victim. But she and her entourage may well ruin their lives.
"For example, damaging property, planting drugs on the husband of your ideal — all this is represented in our criminal statistics," warns the clinical psychologist. — According to the law, until a crime is committed, no one can restrict a person's rights, so all hope is for the prudence of loved ones and the new law on stalking.
Professional matchmaker Anna Osipova also believes that it is advisable for this man to consult a specialist and work out his situation properly. Or "ground yourself" and live the reality.
— Judging by the fact that a person has been wasting his time on fruitless searches for years, he is clearly afraid of relationships. A man needs to go to a psychologist and understand why he is in love with a distant image, rather than looking around at earthly people with whom he can build relationships now and just enjoy life," says Anna Osipova.
Do we need compromises?
What should I do if the object of my passion is unavailable? In which cases does it make sense to fight for your happiness (perhaps questionable), and in which cases does it make sense to forget, switch, or consult a doctor?
— A person has a mechanism of the psyche that is responsible for building connections and attachment, as well as a mechanism for breaking attachment — grieving. In the broadest sense, grief is the process of breaking attachment and restoring a new system of functioning. This condition is extremely important for the psyche," says Sergey Volkov.
The most striking example of grief is mourning for the dead.
— A person, trying to get out of this state, begins to rebuild what we call the social atom. He is looking for new friends, remembers or learns anew to enjoy activities, finds new meanings for his affairs. Without grief, people would not be able to accept losses and would simply lose their functionality," the expert explains.
When a person is worried about a failure in his personal life, he also feels pain. Sergey Volkov does not recommend switching from one object to another in such a situation.
—Switching is good in the moment, but in the long run it only postpones the grief and delays the process," warns Volkov. — Grieving is a whole science. First, we need to restore the biological rhythm. It is important to eat, drink, sleep and maintain hygiene. If you don't want to, then do it on a schedule, without fail. Secondly, rituals are important. You can, for example, write a kind of farewell letter to a person. The ritual of ending a relationship is very important for the psyche — a point is made, an understanding comes that the relationship is completed and there is no more chaos and disorganization from the unknown.
The clinical psychologist emphasizes the need for support from loved ones.
— Unfortunately, this is a part of culture that we are rapidly losing, but it is the support of others, the opportunity to share the burden with them that allows us to survive the loss. I advise anyone who breaks up with loved ones not to neglect the support of friends, psychologists, and sometimes random people. But what you definitely shouldn't do is drown out your grief with alcohol," the expert explains.
To understand whether it is worth fighting for your illusory dream or giving up this venture, a psychologist advises you to answer the question: "Will this struggle lead to benefits?" In this case, the benefit does not mean finances, it means a positive consequence.
— We often struggle not for love, but for lost opportunities, fueled by the fear of loneliness. But we must remember that a relationship built on coercion by one person will not bring happiness (benefit) to anyone," the expert comments.
Is there an ideal of a woman or a man
Romantically minded men and women are at a loss to figure out whether to look for the ideal or, before time is up, arrange a life with a more or less decent person.
A person will not be able to settle on a compromise option until he heals his head and eradicates this illusory ideal along with the roots of his head, says matchmaker Anna Osipova.
— To be honest, 80% of the matchmaker's client base are people who have an ideal image stuck in their heads. People can't meet a couple for 10-15 years. I have clients that I have known since 2009. They are still sitting and waiting. But if they had moved away from their ideal a little, then their children would already be 15-16 years old," she explains.
The clinical psychologist emphasizes that the ideal exists only in a person's fantasy and nowhere else.
— Any relationship is the result of work and investment in communication. And they need to be built on time. Another thing is that the unattainability of the ideal does not mean that you need to marry the first person you meet or marry any woman, no matter what she is," comments Sergey Volkov.
According to Anna Osipova, obsession with the ideal takes away people's resources and the opportunity to look around, narrows the search space.
— You can spend your whole life searching for the ideal. Of course, if it makes a person feel good, then let him live and wait. But real, earthly happiness will pass by in this case," warns Anna Osipova.
The matchmaker notes that men are most often the ones who are looking for the perfect partner.
— A woman is more down-to-earth, she has other goals in life. Her biological clock is ticking, and she is ready to love whoever is next to her and see in him the qualities suitable for procreation. If we all suffered according to our ideals, then humanity would die out," Anna Osipova continues.
Sergey Volkov suggests considering the ideal as a set of desired criteria: this list should be flexible and mobile, not fixed and immutable. Then there are more chances for a successful relationship. It happens that a person initially does not fit the ideal image, but gets a chance from a potential partner and eventually people come together and live soul to soul for years.
— For example, you stayed with a person for a long time and he slowly showed you his positive sides. In the end, you decided to choose it: it's a process of deepening a healthy and enjoyable relationship. It happens that a person changes by working on himself. And if a year ago he didn't look like an enviable groom, today he already is," explains the clinical psychologist.
However, in such a relationship, the object of love is not starved, it's exactly the opposite.
— And if you suddenly find that you sympathize with a person who inclines you to a relationship by obsessive courtship, then we are talking about psychological pressure, and we cannot talk about a healthy relationship, — emphasizes Sergey Volkov.
The sexologist advises you to pay attention: when they say that a man has achieved a woman, it is not about forced marriage, but about the fact that he showed ingenuity, interest, wisdom and generosity. As a result, according to the laws of a healthy relationship, a woman chooses him herself, and does not "crawl on her knees."
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