Wedding invitation: which girls are not invited to get married
Demographers believe that it is possible to reduce the number of abortions if girls give up intimate relationships before the wedding. It is assumed that in this case it will be possible to avoid unwanted pregnancies and raise the prestige of the family. How women fall into the trap of unpromising relationships, in which cases men cannot be trusted, and how passion differs from attachment — in the Izvestia article.
When to go to the registry office
A recent statement by Ruslan Tkachenko, director of the Institute for Demographic Development and Reproductive Potential, on the air of the Moscow Says radio station, caused a new wave of discussions on who is to blame for abortions. "There are women who don't spread their legs in front of just anyone, but only after the registry office. That's the responsibility of women — not to spread your legs until you realize that you have a man standing behind you, who you can lean on, who will be the foundation. If they didn't do this, then there would be no abortions," the demographer said.
Psychiatrist and sexologist Alexey Vilkov believes that if it is a question of terminating an unwanted pregnancy, then, from the point of view of psychology, this responsibility lies with both partners. However, a woman should still worry about the consequences first of all, understanding the likely risks, in particular, the possible evasion of responsibility on the part of a man.
The psychiatrist emphasizes that the rejection of an active relationship before marriage, if it is not motivated by religious principles, is based on a certain worldview and personality traits of the partners.
— For a woman, her upbringing is important, what norms of morality and morality are instilled by parents. And if a girl adheres to these norms and rules of ethics, then parental attitudes have an impact on what she can afford," says the expert.
As the psychiatrist notes, certain character traits also keep modern women from close relationships while waiting to go to the registry office.
— In particular, this is increased anxiety, lack of communication, distrust of people or excessive selectivity when a girl is in search of an ideal partner. But in this case, there is a risk of not finding the perfect man and eventually being left alone," says Alexey Vilkov.
Therefore, from the point of view of a sexologist, in the modern world, a strict approach to intimate life is already very weak. A modern woman often faces a dilemma: either trust her partner, enter into an intimate relationship and perhaps find happiness, or wait for the prince, but in the end she will be left with nothing.
— Every woman solves this dilemma in her own way. Mistakes are often made in both cases. A woman goes through pain, disappointment, unhappy love, and a breakup, but that's life," says the psychiatrist.
Clinical psychologist and sexologist Sergey Volkov believes that if we are not talking about a fleeting affair, but about choosing a partner for life, then we need to treat this choice responsibly. It is impossible to build a relationship quickly, even in the current age of instant reactions and rapid pace, the expert emphasizes. It takes time for people to express themselves and accept or not accept another person into their lives.
— Many people cannot answer the question: "Are you ready to live your life with this person" even after 10 years of relationship. Therefore, rushing into some deeper relationships with a partner whom you have known for a month or even two is at least not very reasonable, and at most dangerous," the expert argues.
Matchmaker Anna Osipova believes that girls should figure out by themselves or with a specialist why they immediately decide on a close relationship. Perhaps they have some kind of psychological problems.
— It's a question of her self-esteem, her values, and her worldview. Why is she so afraid of being rejected that she immediately agrees to everything? If she doesn't need a long—term relationship, then it's one thing - she won't be offended in any way if this relationship ends. But if she wants to build a strong relationship, then she doesn't have to run straight to bed," the matchmaker comments.
But Anna Osipova makes a reservation that if this happens, then you don't need to sprinkle ashes on your head if the relationship doesn't continue.
— Everything happens. There are no general criteria here. It happens that people have been holding hands for months and nothing works out for them. And sometimes there is fabulous sex on the first date, partners get married, have three children and live soul to soul. Therefore, there are no rules and frameworks here. Everything that your heart and soul tell you," says Anna Osipova.
No one likes bores, the expert emphasizes. Lightness and warmth in communication are important. And if you like your chosen one, then interest in her is inevitable. Ideally, a man is attracted to you on the first date, but if he sees a prospect in you, then, of course, he will wait and be patient when you are ready, the expert emphasizes.
Meanwhile, the matchmaker believes that setting limits for oneself should not go to extremes.
— We need to look at things realistically — a man will not wait months for a woman to agree to closer communication. If you follow the rule "I'm not like that, I'm waiting for the tram," then you can wait until retirement and never wait," she warns.
Passion or affection
According to Sergey Volkov, the hormonal algorithm of forming relationships has hardly changed since the time of primitive man.
— The first glance and evaluation of a partner takes 15 seconds for men and 32 seconds for women. During this time, our brain analyzes the body shape and general characteristics of whether a person likes or dislikes their appearance. In fact, whether this person is capable of becoming the father or mother of our children or not. This is how we choose healthy and strong partners," comments Volkov.
If the first acquaintance was successful, then a whole bunch of pleasure hormones are released in our body, and sex hormones associated with attraction are also involved. In this state, critical thinking and the ability to objectively evaluate a partner are greatly reduced, and people are driven by passion and euphoria.
— Biologically, this process can last from six months to 2-3 years, depending on the individual. When it ends, it develops into attachment. It takes time, conditions, and certain actions of each person in the couple to form it," says the clinical psychologist.
If passion is admiration for a person based on the charm of a partner and hormones, then affection is a calmer feeling, but it is based on the desire to take care of each other and, therefore, create a family.
If young people, without waiting for a period of attachment, act under the influence of passion, then pregnancy can be postponed due to contraceptives, sexologists remind. With a mutually correct attitude to the issue of prevention, the risk of pregnancy is usually reduced to zero, the psychiatrist-sexologist emphasizes.
— Everyone knows and has access to methods of contraception, both male and female. The main thing is to choose a partner who adheres to these points," comments Alexey Vilkov. — The risk arises when casual sexual intercourse, alcohol consumption or crazy passion — falling in love, in which emotions can prevail over reason, "interfere" in the situation.
Who are men abandoning
Who is at special risk? According to the psychiatrist, first of all, these are frivolous girls who are not very selective when choosing a partner. Men view this type of woman as social partners without any further commitment.
— Or these women are very anxious, prone to painfully experiencing loneliness, so for them, communication with a man is a way to calm down, relieve anxiety, tension, and achieve temporary calm, — says Sergey Volkov. — They have low self-esteem and an inferiority complex, so they are willing to settle for various questionable relationships just to get a short peace of mind or a slim chance of a stable relationship.
The psychiatrist-sexologist emphasizes that young girls with a lack of life experience also fall into the category of easily accessible.
— Emotions come to the fore, not reason and logic. Such girls are not yet able to calculate all the risks, options and possible mistakes. Life experience comes later — with age, through a series of mistakes. And many men know this and use it," the psychiatrist complains.
Sergey Volkov emphasizes that modern youth are brought up in the paradigm that everything can be obtained quickly, including the pleasure of relationships. And when they get boring, there is an option not to continue them. This is how men who do not want to build long-term relationships and take responsibility for starting a family and maintaining a couple relate to intimate life.
— In their worldview, there are no parts of life that cannot be ended quickly, the limit of their consciousness is that they can die once. And the fact that one's actions can harm a person, cause pain and suffering — this is not in consciousness. Therefore, they quickly enter into a relationship, and if they don't enjoy it or get bored with their partners, they leave them just as soon and quite cynically," says Sergey Volkov.
According to the clinical psychologist, the problem is also that often both women and men confuse kindness with romantic interest, for example, friendship with love. Similarly, many confuse love and sexual relations, believing that if they have such a relationship with a person, then they are loved, the expert notes.
Volkov also points out that girls have been taught a non-existent Cinderella model since childhood.
— It is believed that if some socially necessary conditions are met by a man (a large apartment, a beautiful car, a certain set of actions), then this is a prince. The problem is that we don't live in a fairy tale, and there are no princes, just as there are no cinderellas," the clinical psychologist comments.
According to Sergey Volkov, sometimes girls are brought up in the context of the fact that a woman should be a good wife, forgetting to explain that she does not owe anything for her relationship.
"That's why many women fall into the trap of thinking that if a man took them to a restaurant and gave them flowers, then he can demand something for it and definitely get it," comments Volkov.
The clinical psychologist also complains that now relationships are presented within the framework of the paradigm of equality — everything should be equal. In this case, if one person gives a partner some benefits or emotions, then he has the right to receive something in return.
— Sincere interest in another person is confirmed by the fact that they do not require any specific actions for it, but they hope for support and reciprocal interest, - says sexologist Volkov. — And the point of dating is not to keep a person at any cost, but to find your own.
Переведено сервисом «Яндекс Переводчик»
