Let's go to the trailer: they want to fine for "divorcing"
They intend to introduce responsibility for the humiliating phrase "divorced woman with a trailer" at the highest legislative level. An initiative has been put forward to impose fines for offensive language that shows disregard for a woman and her child. How popular is the abbreviation "RSP", why historically there has been a negative attitude towards single mothers, and how the situation is changing — in the Izvestia article.
A divorcee and an alimony worker
The lawmakers emphasize that the expression "divorced woman with a trailer" has an offensive meaning in relation to both a woman and her child. The word "divorcee" itself carries a familiar and disparaging connotation, and the definition of "trailer" in relation to a child reinforces the negative connotation. In addition to this speech construction, gossips use other offensive words — "backbiter", "appendage", "larva", and also "brooch".
"RSP" ("divorced woman with a trailer") is the most popular social label on the Internet, the analytical agency "Pressindex" explained to Izvestia. Moreover, it is now called not only women, but also men (in 25.8% of cases). The second most emotionally charged family term is "alimony worker." But the "RSP" is mentioned almost four times more often — about 470 thousand. once against 130 thousand . And more than 10.8 thousand messages contain both terms at the same time. The popularity of both designations continues to grow: during the year, "RSP" added 11.5%, "alimentarian" — 4%.
Analysts noted that more than 60% of the authors used the term "RSP" in a negative context. The word "alimony worker" also most often becomes a negative characteristic.
— Both words are part of a broader set of aggressive social labels. In the same discussions, words such as "deer" and "scarlet" (about 22.5 thousand messages), "skeet" (about 9.1 thousand), "yazhmat" (about 3.7 thousand), as well as slang words about children — "lichinus", "spinogryz" and others are regularly found. — the agency commented.
Who calls you what
From a psychological point of view, contempt for a divorced woman and children who have been left without a father against their will is by no means accidental.
"Men who use the disparaging term "divorced woman with a trailer" can experience the trauma of rejection from their moms and dads themselves,— psychologist Yuri Kudryavtsev explained to Izvestia. — And since you can't blame your parents, and it's hard to realize and admit your pain, a man hides behind a sarcastic attitude towards someone else's child.
He emphasizes that in the male environment, it is often the abbreviation of the unpleasant "term" — "RSP".
— And it seems to me that the use of these letters instead of the whole phrase is due to the fact that men understand that they are doing wrong, so they prefer to hide the negative a little, — says the expert. — On the other hand, it is a way of recognizing "our own" — those who understand what these three letters are attached to.
Candidate of Psychological Sciences Alina Koroleva considers the expression "divorced with a trailer" to be unequivocally offensive. From her point of view, this "term" is used by men with inadequate self—esteem - overestimated or underestimated. In the first case, the man argues: "I'm so beautiful that you should be perfect too." And when it's low, a man unknowingly or consciously belittles women in order to feel better and taller.
— By and large, the attitude towards a woman and a child is a reflection of the values inherent in a man, — the expert reflects. — If a child is an absolute value to you, then you will never call it a "trailer".
According to the candidate of psychological Sciences, women who are dissatisfied with their lives also use this offensive phrase. In all likelihood, they themselves had such a negative experience or observed contempt for a divorced woman with children in their lives. Therefore, they are not shy in their expressions.
Professional matchmaker Anna Osipova considers it necessary and long overdue to ban the expression "divorced with a trailer" at the state level. In her opinion, only people who are unworthy of the title of real men call women contemptuously.
— If a man who comes to a marriage agency uses this disgusting wording, then, despite the shortage of potential suitors, I don't take him, — the matchmaker admits. — These are people with deeply traumatized minds.
They won't call it marriage.
In the last century, it was believed that marriage should be concluded once and for life, Yuri Kudryavtsev emphasizes. From 1944 to 1965, the newspapers did not even publish marriage annulment announcements. This state measure was taken to keep the family from falling apart as much as possible. Divorces were condemned by society, but it was the woman who fell into the crosshairs of gossips, no matter for what reason she was left alone. Being a "divorcee" was considered a disgrace. Men were not particularly stigmatized by popular contempt, even if they did not pay alimony and did not participate in the children's lives at all.
— Then it was believed that it was the woman who was responsible for the child, for his upbringing and development, — explains the psychologist. — Many divorced fathers simply cut their children out of their lives after ending their relationships with their wives. There were even phrases like "I don't need a woman, I don't need a child." And since the minor stayed with his mother, the attacks were directed at her.
Gossips gloated, believing that the "divorcee" did not deserve happiness, because she could not keep her husband — in all likelihood, she could not please him. And an unencumbered man could move to another area and not even tell anyone about his "trailer".
— He was perceived simply as lonely — for what to condemn, if it is easy to hide the "texture", — says Alina Koroleva. — And a woman's child is "obvious" — you can't hide it.
Schadenfreude was also often directed at the woman, because she was responsible for the family and the emotional climate in the social unit, the specialist emphasizes.
No more "trailers"
The negative attitude towards the "RSP" label has been maturing for a long time, and since the second half of the noughties, the situation with "trailers" has begun to change dramatically. Now we are witnessing a global shift in values, emphasizes Alina Koroleva.
— There are more divorces, but the chance of meeting a partner, even if there are children from previous relationships, has increased significantly, — says the interlocutor of Izvestia. — A big role is played by the fact that the role of the father rises in social perception. And, of course, the balance in the distribution of family concerns between the two partners has begun to even out — we often hear that dad can also go on maternity leave to care for the baby. But this was unrealistic before, when taking care of children was considered a mother's priority.
In society, everything is moving towards the fact that a single mother with a child is no longer a subject of reproach and blame, and children are not considered a burden. The situation is turning the other way. Millennial men and even zoomers spend much more time with babies than their fathers, and when divorced, they fight for equal rights with the baby's mother, wanting to actively participate in parenting.
— Fortunately, it has now become clearer how a father interacts with a young child. There is more information that the newborn recognizes not only his mother, but also his father's voice, that it is important for the baby to be in the arms of not only his mother, but also his father," says Yuri Kudryavtsev. — And society itself is changing, life is becoming more comfortable, so more and more young men are thinking about fatherhood.
The role of a man replacing the biological father is also very important, the psychologist emphasizes. It's hard to replace a father, but it's still possible in a sense: a teacher at school, a coach in the sports section, and a friend of mom can become an influential male figure. Such an environment can be an example for forming the necessary behavior model.
The expert cites another factor influencing the prestige of the pope's role.
— Men who had traumatic experiences in childhood become responsible fathers. For example, the parents divorced in conflict, and then the father did not appear in the child's life: either he refused, or the mother did not allow him to communicate. And childhood memories push men to be more attentive to children in the family, even after a divorce, so that the child does not experience what they themselves lived in childhood," he comments.
In the case when the father withdraws from education, the boy can grow up to be a normal man, but on one condition — if the mother does not set the child up against the "prodigal dad" and does not cultivate in the child a sense of guilt for all the "goat men".
— If the mother sets the child up against the father and forms a sense of guilt in him, then the boy will grow up traumatized, independent, dependent on his mother, with difficulties building relationships with women, — the psychologist comments.
Alina Koroleva believes that in the event of a parent's divorce, much depends on the positions of mom and dad — whether they are ready to cooperate productively for the sake of the child.
"The wounded self pushes you to manipulate the child and the child," she emphasizes. — If a mother carries her feelings after a divorce not to her friends or a psychologist, but to the child, then this puts a negative imprint on the child's psyche.
According to the candidate of psychological sciences, for a child there should not be a question "who do you love more — mom or dad". Otherwise, he will have to side with mom and reject the "dad" inside himself along with dad's character traits, and these may turn out to be leading personality traits. There is also an opposite protest reaction to mom's negativity towards her father — the child begins to do everything to spite her mother, defending her right to love dad.
— It is clear that there are reasons for divorce, and often these are irreconcilable positions. But telling a child that we got divorced because your mom is bad or, conversely, your dad is like that is not worth it. Both parents are important to the child, and metaphorically they should stand as a powerful protection behind the child's back, and not tear him apart," the expert emphasizes.
Does a MILF need a buzzer with a stepladder
Yuri Kudryavtsev advises a woman who is left alone with children after a divorce to recover and arrange life with children in a new way. Life goes on, and you can do what you couldn't do in marriage. Modern "divorcees" have already mastered this "science". The twenties gave society such a concept as a "milf" — an attractive, confident woman of 30-50 years old, with children, whose presence only confirms her confidence and independence. And it is no coincidence that such ladies arouse the interest of even those who are younger.
— Yes, such women deserve respect.: they prove by their position that they have already coped with life's difficulties and can even safely do without men," the psychologist comments. — And this is a symbolic response to the neglect in one's own direction.
But the expert draws attention to the fact that such a woman needs a mature, accomplished man, an equivalent partner, and not a "buzzer with a stepladder" — here the expert makes reference to a video that appeared on the Web about how three guys could not handle the stairs without instructions.
— A woman who is left with children, of course, has the opportunity to create a new relationship if she has analyzed the past and knows exactly how she does not want to live, — continues the interlocutor of the editorial board. — But it is advisable to seek help from a psychologist in order to identify and change the negative patterns in relationships that many wives and mothers get used to: take all the worries on yourself, show endless tolerance, put yourself in the last place, be strong and not ask for help. It's important to give yourself a chance at a new relationship, not to give up on yourself just because someone uses an offensive term.
According to Alina Koroleva, if a man sees unconditional value in children, then this is an important indicator: you can create a family with him. And the child of the woman you love will not be perceived as a burden.
"Full—fledged, healthy, emotionally mature men treat children positively — they won't push him away," emphasizes Anna Osipova. — But let's be honest: not all men, especially young and childless ones, are ready to consider a woman with a child as a candidate for a partner — there are only a few of them. But representatives of the stronger sex, who already have parental experience, do not object to such communication.
At the same time, the matchmaker stipulates that the more children there are, especially minors, the more difficult it is for a woman to arrange a personal life through an agency, where for one average man there are 20-25 offers from potential brides.
"Candidates for grooms still prioritize a woman with at least one child," the specialist explains. — But if they met on the street, saw each other and fell in love, then that's another story. And if a woman with children is not looking for something that does not exist in nature, and she does not have a running line on her face that says "Don't get in, she will kill," then she will always meet a normal, adequate man for whom children will not be a hindrance. Everyone deserves happiness.
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