I left my Mom: When Zoomers start adulthood
Russians enter adulthood at the age of 21 on average. It is at this age that they try to separate themselves from their family and are ready to take on the solution of tedious household issues for the sake of independence. Psychologists told Izvestia what to do for those who failed at separation, why it's easier to get along with a mother-in-law than with a mother-in-law, and how not to become a mother of a basket son.
A mama's boy
Experts of the VTsIOM analytical center consider the tendency to start an independent life at the age of 21 to be a stable norm that does not change from generation to generation. Psychologist Yuri Kudryavtsev emphasizes that the process of growing up is different for everyone, but if at this age boys and girls have a desire to live separately, then everything is fine with separation, the expert encourages.
— At the age of 21, as a rule, many graduate from universities or are close to graduation, start working and receive money, — says Kudryavtsev. — Accordingly, there is an opportunity for a separate residence.
In everyday terms, independence is required already because, according to statistics, 7 out of 10 Russians would not start a relationship even with a handsome man if he continues to live with his mother at the age of 30-40. Most of the time, girls are afraid that such a partner is the very sissy who won't take a step without her. At the same time, representatives of the stronger sex are more tolerant of the attachment of potential partners to their parents.
Two types of women hold a skeptical position towards men living with their mothers, explained Alina Koroleva, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, to Izvestia. The first are independent and successful, they have bought an apartment for themselves, and, accordingly, they want to build a relationship with a man with similar capabilities, aspirations and achievements. The second option: a woman wants to be sure that a man will be able to provide a family with children with everything they need.
— On the one hand, the fears of women are justified, but it is necessary to take into account the notorious "housing issue" — not everyone has the opportunity to live separately, — says psychologist Yuri Kudryavtsev. — A man's infantilism can be tested not by the very fact of living with his mother, but by his level of independence in decision—making and in matters of choosing between his mother and his wife - this is not uncommon.
The psychologist emphasizes that intimacy with parents alone is not equal to infantilism. You can have your own opinion and make a personal choice that does not suit your loved ones, even if you are on good terms with them. The expert advises to recall the cases of typical "majors" who have separate apartments and other attributes of independent living, but the level of "adulthood" is low. Even in adulthood, they expect that dad will "sort out" everything, and mom will protect them in problematic situations.
— In modern realities, not everyone can earn a mortgage or rent an apartment. This does not indicate a lack of independence, but speaks about the level of income," says Alina Koroleva. — You can live under the same roof with your parents and be completely autonomous — emotionally, physically and financially. At the same time, you can also help your loved ones. Or you can live separately, be successful socially, receive an above-average salary and be emotionally attached to your parents, look at your life and actions through the eyes of your parents.
Why is a mother-in-law better than a mother-in-law
Sharp-tongued Internet users attribute the unwillingness of modern women to live under the same roof with their father-in-law and mother-in-law to genetic memory. They say that the departure of the bride to her husband's family is an age—old tradition of our society, women have suffered and now they don't want to return to the dark past for anything.
"Previously, a woman came to her husband's house and really came under the direct supervision of her mother—in—law, in fact, under her subordination,— Kudryavtsev explains. — Modern living conditions are at least a little bit, and they make their own adjustments to the traditions of society. Moreover, it is difficult to leave for her husband if there is already a large family there, there are no conditions for development and opportunities for gaining personal space.
Men are less sensitive to a girl's emotional intimacy with her parents.
— Indeed, there is an idea that it is normal for a woman to live with her parents, but for a man it is not accepted. This is due to the fact that higher social demands are placed on men, while they are much milder towards women. But in general, it's all quite relative," says Alina Koroleva.
Psychologist Kudryavtsev recalls that in ancient times, women were not raised as independent individuals: a daughter was the equivalent of a commodity, with the difference that it could not be sold, but it was profitable to marry her off.
— Times are changing, and our perception of many things is changing with them. When a young family has the opportunity to live separately, they use it, and it changes the landscape of the family," comments Alina Koroleva. — The rights of men and women in modern society are aligned, so now it is easier to perceive the issue of a man's life in a woman's family.
Russians even managed to get away from stereotypes according to which living together with a son-in-law and mother-in-law was perceived as an ordeal. Alina Koroleva believes that in modern reality, it is easier for a girl's mother and her young husband to establish a good relationship than for a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law.
"Some men are even more comfortable living with their mother—in—law than with their parents; it is more profitable to be in a subordinate position with their wife and her mother than with their own mother and father," says Kudryavtsev. — In the end, there are different mothers-in-law: if you get an adequate one, then this is the most ideal option. But in general, it is better to live separately, as the risk of conflict is still high.
How to raise an independent personality
From Yuri Kudryavtsev's point of view, a typical mother—in-law from jokes is a woman who is jealous of her daughter for any man the girl likes. In this case, the mother is possessive and, most likely, adheres to the opinion that all men are unreliable, weak, etc.
— You also need to understand that an evil mother—in-law, as a rule, is unhappy in her personal life and therefore envies the happiness of her own daughter, - the psychologist concludes. — This is a kind of competition: in her opinion, if a mother is unlucky in her personal life, then her daughter does not have the right to happiness.
A woman should understand that she is raising children not for herself, but for a world in which they will be able to solve their problems on their own and will be confident in themselves, the expert emphasizes. This applies to mothers of both girls and boys.
Since sons are the projection of ideal men, some mothers prefer to focus their interests on them. To prevent this from happening, mom herself must be happy in her personal life. She does not need to hold and protect her son until his hair turns gray, but should give him the opportunity to develop independently, make mistakes and learn to make decisions.
"Any mother should remember that a child in her life is a temporary phenomenon: the moment will come when he will go into his own life,— says Koroleva. — Actually, the purpose of education is basically to teach a child independence and responsibility. To do this, parents show him the limits of what is acceptable, transfer responsibility for studies, certain household chores, etc.
For those who are still learning the difficult science of motherhood and fatherhood, psychologists remind them that separation from parents begins at the age of three. If you do not give a child the opportunity to do something on their own, especially under the pretext of "breaking it," then he will develop a complex of "learned helplessness."
— Separation can be emotional, physical and financial, — says Alina Koroleva. — In general, we can talk about the completed separation if all three aspects of independence are present. Emotional and physical separation begins at an early age, when a child learns to do something on his own. For example, walking, drinking, eating, etc. The three-year crisis, known as "Me," is just part of the separation.
According to Koroleva, the crisis of adolescence speaks more about emotional separation. And financial starts when a person starts making money himself.
— In consulting work, I see two opposite tendencies among young people. The first is the desire for social independence, work and provision for yourself and your family. And the opposite is true when young people are absolutely not adapted to independent living, do not strive for independence, remain under the wing of their parents, on their support," says Koroleva.
Psychologists advise women to fill their lives not only with family and child, but also with some personal interests of their own - work, hobbies, self—care. And then in the future there will be no difficulties preventing grown-up children from living an independent life.
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