A high-risk house: how to survive in a toxic family relationship
Pressure from loved ones, chronic guilt, emotional blackmail, and devaluation are often perceived as a "normal" part of family relationships. However, psychologists warn that habitual conflicts may conceal systemic toxicity that destroys mental health. For more information about why it is so difficult to distance oneself from relatives and in which cases a pause in communication becomes a healthy decision, see the Izvestia article.
How to understand that relationships with relatives have become toxic
Clinical psychologist Ksenia Savelyeva notes that the main difference between toxic relationships and ordinary family conflicts lies not in the intensity of emotions, but in their consistency and consequences.
— An ordinary conflict is an episode that arises from a clash of interests or views. It has a resolution and does not destroy the foundation of the relationship. Toxic relationships are the system itself, a chronic and destructive form of interaction," the specialist explained.
According to the expert, situations should be alerted when depreciation, pressure and violation of borders become the norm. It's about regularly ridiculing feelings and decisions, emotional blackmail through guilt and fear, ignoring rejections, and constant invasion of personal space.
— The main subjective indicator is your condition after contact. If you consistently feel drained, depressed, anxious, or "bad" after communication, this is a sure sign of destructive rather than conflictual interaction. A healthy conflict can be frustrating, but it does not undermine the foundations of self—esteem," Savelieva emphasized.
The psychologist draws attention to the fact that such patterns are often passed down from generation to generation, but understanding the reasons does not mean that it is necessary to continue to tolerate destructive behavior.
Why does guilt prevent you from distancing yourself from your loved ones
One of the main factors keeping people in toxic family relationships remains guilt. As Ksenia Savelyeva explains, it is not formed by chance and is not a sign of weakness.
— Guilt in this context is a natural consequence of deep psychological mechanisms and social programming. It performs the function of a brake light that keeps a person in a familiar, albeit destructive system," the expert noted.
Since childhood, rigid attitudes have been internalized: "family is sacred," "parents should not be upset," "you must." An attempt to establish distance conflicts with this internal code and is experienced as betrayal. An additional role is played by a distorted sense of responsibility formed in dysfunctional families.
— If the parent was emotionally immature, unpredictable, or manipulative through weakness, the child assumes the role of an adult early on. In adulthood, this turns into a belief.: "I am responsible for his feelings and his life," Savelieva explained.
Another holding factor is the hope for change, fueled by rare periods of "warming up" in relationships, as well as the fear of loneliness and social condemnation.
What does the long-term patience of toxic relatives lead to?
According to the psychologist, the consequences of chronic exposure to a toxic family environment are of the nature of a prolonged stress disorder.
— Constant tension and expectation of a trick exhaust the nervous system and often lead to anxiety-depressive states, — Savelyeva noted.
Among the most common consequences, the specialist calls emotional burnout in family relationships, a persistent decrease in self—esteem, loss of a sense of identity and learned helplessness - a condition in which a person ceases to believe that he is able to change anything in his life.
Psychological pressure often manifests itself on a physical level.
— Psychological pain can somatize, transforming into migraines, gastrointestinal disorders, skin diseases and other symptoms, — the expert explained.
How to build personal boundaries without escalating conflict
The key mistake, according to Ksenia Savelyeva, is trying to change a relative instead of protecting your own borders.
— Healthy boundaries are built not in order to change another person, but in order to protect their psychological space, — the psychologist emphasized.
She advises using clear language and "I am messages," avoiding accusations. Consistency is equally important: if a rule is indicated, it must be followed in practice.
— Sequence of actions is more important than words. It is she, and not long explanations, who teaches the environment to take into account your boundaries," Savelieva noted.
The expert also recommends reducing the intensity of contacts, avoiding excuses, and preparing neutral responses to typical manipulations in advance. When a conversation turns into a scandal, it is important to get out of the situation, rather than trying to prove your case.
When distance from relatives becomes a healthy decision
The psychologist emphasizes that temporary or permanent distance can be a justified and therapeutically necessary measure.
"Distance is a healthy decision when a relationship poses a direct threat to mental or physical health,— Savelieva said.
We are talking about cases of psychological, physical or economic violence, the complete ineffectiveness of attempts to establish boundaries, the aggravation of severe mental conditions after contact, as well as a threat to the well-being of children.
Separately, the expert highlights the format of the "therapeutic pause".
"Time distance allows you to get out of a chronic stress reaction, restore resources and make an informed decision on the future format of the relationship," she explained.
According to Ksenia Savelyeva, the task of an adult in such a situation is not to re—educate relatives and not to rewrite the past, but to take responsibility for their present and future.
"Ending destructive relationships or distancing is not cruelty, but an act of self—preservation and an important step towards ending intergenerational trauma," the psychologist concluded.
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