Comrade, believe me: is there friendship between a man and a woman
Most Russians believe in friendship between a man and a woman, but family relations experts advise not to jump to conclusions and not to swear. Izvestia figured out at what stage flirting interferes with casual friendly communication and under what circumstances a friend will never pass into the category of suitors.
Romance or attraction
The results of a recent survey baffle skeptics: analysts have found that the majority of Russians still believe in friendship between people of the opposite sex. But from the point of view of sexology, this kind of relationship can arise only as an exception — with a combination of certain factors. This was stated to Izvestia by psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and sexologist Alexei Vilkov.
— Friendship is possible if both have a low sexual desire in general, that is, a low level of sexual desire, — explains the expert. — Then their platonic relationship comes to the fore. In this case, common spiritual interests and values, views, and a combination of characters are important for communication.
If the component of ordinary communication prevails, but sexual attraction does not interfere, then, according to the therapist, friendship between a man and a woman is usually strong and long. In the case when one of the two has a reaction to the opposite sex, nevertheless, overpower the platonic relationship, sexual sympathy will sooner or later manifest itself. Only at first a person will do everything possible to suppress or displace attraction for the sake of pure friendship, but sooner or later interests shift towards falling in love.
— If she comes out, it will lead to an expression of her feelings, a possible conflict or to the extinction of friendship if the other person is not ready to change anything in the relationship, warns the sexologist. — But if the partners have the same three "components" — romance, platonic feeling and sexual attraction — then a couple will form, — comments Alexey Vilkov.
It is generally impossible to understand whether a man or a woman has crossed the line of friendship, the expert believes. In any case, a time check is necessary. If friendships persist for years, then, most likely, there will be no romance.
From school
Professional matchmaker Anna Osipova believes that friendship between a man and a woman is not a utopia. The expert cites school friendships as an example. Often, those who have been communicating since school do not consider each other as possible partners. Classmates have been friends for years, communicate with families and help each other in any way they can: school friendship lasts forever.
—But usually girls don't consider their classmates as potential suitors, but boys are set up differently," the expert comments. — However, it is typical for a man to be content with a friendly relationship if he likes a girl, but can't offer anything more than friendship.
Anna Osipova adds that sometimes friendship between a man and a woman is an uncomplicated relationship when one rejected the other. From the expert's point of view, women have more male friends, partly because they often need friendly support. Such a person can nail and fix something, give advice on repairing or buying a car.
Young friends
According to the survey results, girls and young people under the age of 35 are the most skeptical about pure friendship between a man and a woman. At the same time, they have the most friends of the opposite sex. It's all about hormones, which can push people into each other's arms.
— At a young age, the hormonal factor comes first, especially in men. Therefore, they even establish friendly relations or business contacts with the opposite sex, primarily taking into account the physical attractiveness of the woman," says Alexey Vilkov. — And even if a man understands that a close relationship with a woman will not work out, he will still have specific fantasies about her.
Depending on the circumstances, a man will stay at a certain level under the influence of these fantasies: he will continue formal communication, try to engage in light flirting or maintain friendly relations.
First of all, such factors as social similarity, the same level of material well-being, common interests, and similarity of characters and temperaments are important for friendship, the psychotherapist emphasizes.
The fact that girls and young men have the most friends of the opposite sex is also quite natural because at that age it is easiest to make such connections, it is easier to establish communication.
"Young people under the age of 35 believe in pure friendship," says Anna Osipova. — The younger we are, the more communicative we are, the more friends we have, because we live in a society of equally young and sociable peers. Again, student friendships can be as strong as school friendships.
Youth is a time of learning about oneself and others, says Alexey Vilkov. The element of search, experimentation, verification and analysis plays a role.: who is more suitable for a person to communicate with. All this encourages the establishment of various social connections. Thanks to this self-determination, a person understands which partners are more suitable for him in character, sexuality, compatibility and worldview.
According to the psychiatrist, through experience and mistakes, the image of a partner is formed — first ideal, and then more realistic and mature. When a person's personality is fully formed, the period of hormonal hypersexuality gradually passes.
How to distinguish friendship from love
At first glance, it is almost impossible to distinguish friendly communication from incipient sympathy, Alexey Vilkov believes. Friendship, like love, is formed on the basis of active mutual interest. In a friendly relationship, attraction is also necessarily present. If we are talking about communication between men and women, then a certain component of sexual sympathy is always inevitable. It can be disguised and not expressed in any way, but you can't do without it, even when ordinary communication links are established. And only in the process of communication will it become clear on what interests communication is based. Theoretically, any men and women can be friends, there are no patterns and stereotypes here, but love has its own laws.
— A man is focused on a certain type. And most often, no matter how wonderful and beautiful a woman may be, he will not consider her as a life partner if she does not fit this type," says Anna Osipova. — They'll just be friends, not because she's scary, but for the simple reason that she's not his type.
At the same time, we can say with absolute certainty that if a male friend has any feelings for a woman, then most often he eventually seeks her favor, adds the matchmaker.
"But women are not focused on their type, but on their actions," she explains. — It often happens that strong family relationships "grow out" of friendship: a woman falls in love with a man for his good attitude towards himself, for his actions. But it happens that people get to know each other, meet each other, realize that they have a lot in common, but it "doesn't light up." As a couple, they didn't get together, but friendly relations began.
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