No one loves me: how a person with low self-esteem lives
One of the most urgent queries with which Russians turn to psychologists is: "I have problems with self-esteem and self-confidence". Moreover, it is those who deserve the highest praise who most often doubt their strength and talent. "Izvestia" analyzed why people tend to think of themselves worse than they really are.
Better than everyone else - no one is jealous
It is not surprising that low self-esteem is the leader in the rating of psychological queries, says Natalia Protsenko, a psychologist at the Center of Harmony and Health "Be Zdorov", an expert in the field of addiction psychology. In addition to the painful feeling of internal inferiority, this problem is the cause of conflicts with other people, a source of loneliness. People with low and generally inadequate self-esteem often can not make any long-term relationships: neither love, nor friendship, nor work.
- Accordingly, they sag in all spheres of life. The basic attitudes of low self-esteem are as follows: "I am bad. I can not be loved. No one will want to be friends with me. I should communicate less to hide how worthless I am. In this way, alienation from deep genuine communication with other people is formed," comments Natalia Protsenko.
Daria Serebryakova, clinical psychologist, deputy head of the rehabilitation program of the Clinic of Dr. Isaev, reminds that the core of human personality is self-awareness, the most important characteristic of which is just self-esteem. It can be, in particular, adequate, underestimated and overestimated.
- The best, healthy option - this is adequate self-esteem, that is, as much as possible corresponding to reality. It is not difficult to check it - reality itself confirms how correctly we evaluate ourselves. Suppose a person believes that he is good at math. He goes to study this science and achieves success in it. So he has adequate self-esteem," Serebryakova says.
But distorted self-perception can prevent people from living an easy and happy life.
Childhood psychological trauma
It is generally believed that all problems come from childhood, and this applies to the degree of self-confidence.
- In early childhood, we form basic ideas about ourselves, the world, as well as evaluation systems. Much is laid down in the family. A young child in the first years of life is forced to take on faith what the people who are bringing him up tell him. And, of course, there is a possibility that some beliefs will interfere with his life," says Serebryakova.
From the clinical psychologist's point of view, the most frequent skew in upbringing is an imbalance towards the formation of excessively low self-esteem. This often happens if parents are demanding, cruel, show a lack of affection and positive feedback.
- The child develops low self-esteem, various complexes, fears, anxiety, fear of taking on some new task, which, perhaps, he or she would be great at, - says the clinical psychologist.
According to Serebryakova, some parents make no attempt at all to develop the best qualities in the baby. It is as if they do not see and feel their child, pay attention only to what they would like to do themselves.
- An example of this is narcissistic expansion type parenting, when parents have outstanding success in some activity. And then they drag their child into this sphere, even though he or she may not have any aptitude for it," says Serebryakova.
It is not surprising that the person will feel out of place and will not succeed. A person with low, unprocessed self-esteem can raise his children exactly the same - insecure, emphasizes Natalia Protsenko.
- Parents of any generation tend to bring up their children the same way they brought them up, even with correction, but unconsciously repeating erroneous patterns (templates, models) of their parents. The form of presentation may change, but the content remains," cautions Protsenko.
Now that psychological literacy has increased, neither physical nor emotional abuse is the norm. But this is theoretical, the expert says.
- And practically, we still carry this pattern into the next generations, albeit in a reduced form. For example - in the form of mom's pinched lips, dad's indifference to children's achievements. All these are forms of devaluation, which results in low self-esteem," concludes Natalia Protsenko.
Another option clinical psychologist considers hyperopecia, education like "crystal vase", when, on the contrary, the child is inadequately praised.
- Now we see this option more and more often. Perhaps it is a consequence of the fact that some parents have read a lot about child abuse or have been subjected to such treatment themselves. Now in their baby they see themselves in their childhood - their inner child, once abused by parents, - comments the clinical psychologist.
That is why, regardless of the real capabilities, abilities and skills, adults excessively praise the baby, while not developing any skills.
- As a result, it turns out that the child does not cope even with basic household duties, does not pull elementary requirements in school, in society. Accordingly, a person with inflated ideas, arrogant, demanding comes out. He receives harsh feedback from the world, which becomes the cause of depression and secondary low self-esteem, - argues Daria Serebryakova.
Self-confident cocky
Next to a self-confident person is comfortable to be around, emphasizes the expert. He feels valuable enough and has no need to elevate himself at the expense of others. Therefore, others feel emotionally safe in his company. But people with low self-esteem behave differently. All because when faced with problems, our psyche forms defense mechanisms. One of them is self-assertion at the expense of others.
- Such a person, trying to compensate for the uncertain and all-encompassing feeling of his own worthlessness, uses any way to notice and bring to light other people's shortcomings in order to "with a clear conscience" to poke others in them and at least for this brief moment to rise above all, - comments Natalia Protsenko.
In this mechanism, the psychologist sees a conflict with others. Demonstrative, affective pseudo self-confidence - it is also, most likely, a mask behind which hides self-doubting "boy" or "girl", emphasizes the expert.
- Much depends on the lack of humility," says Protsenko. - A healthy and mentally and spiritually healthy person is able to accept imperfections, both his own and the world. And when the situation is tried to break over the knee - it is unhealthy compensation. In such a case, a form of inflated, unjustified self-esteem may arise.
From a psychological point of view, it is very important that a person's self-image coincides with what he or she is in the real world. A clinical psychologist emphasizes that recently there are often people who are characterized by the so-called Dunning-Kruger effect. In this case, a person inadequately assesses his or her modest knowledge and skills, does not notice his or her own incompetence, but at the same time considers himself or herself a high-class professional.
Daria Serebryakova considers the organizers of various courses and marathons as classic representatives of the Dunning-Kruger effect, because they sell goods and services that are not worth the money they charge.
At the other pole are people with impostor syndrome - they are also unable to evaluate themselves adequately and are sure that they do not deserve the success they have achieved, even if they are very smart and talented. The lines of poet and literary scholar Lev Ozerov - "Talents should be helped, the untalented will break through on their own" - are relevant now.
According to Serebryakova, very often qualified specialists doubt themselves and double-check the results of their work many times. The clinical psychologist calls such scrupulousness and self-demanding behavior an inevitable feature of great professionals.
- People who make the most difficult and effective decisions, employed in serious positions, tend to doubt themselves and their decisions, despite the fact that they make them quickly and quite effectively, - explains the clinical psychologist.
How to raise self-esteem
According to Natalia Protsenko, in general it would be more correct to speak not even about self-esteem, but about self-acceptance. The healthy state of a person is to accept himself as he is: imperfect, mistaken, but still active, overcoming difficulties, creating new things.
A vivid example of dissatisfaction with oneself is claims to one's appearance. People are ready to change themselves for a lot of money, going to dubious specialists.
- Appearance, of course, is important for the perception of others, for personal life. But we often overlook the fact that the reaction to the appearance is not only the contemplation of skin and facial features, but also the perception of our behavior, voice, intonation, actions, manner of communication and, of course, the emotions that we convey. Not without reason they say that the most important thing is how a person feels around you, - comments Daria Serebryakova.
Psychology has accumulated a lot of techniques on how to increase self-esteem and become self-confident. For example, you should take an adult position in relation to your parents, as if to change places with them. This is important in order to accept and forgive what they unwittingly could offend or "load" us in distant childhood.
- This harm is unintentional - the "guilty" are lost in the succession of generations of ancestors, - comments Natalia Protsenko. - Our task is to learn to perceive our parents in an indulgent and kind way. After all, an adult does not expect a five-year-old child to demonstrate systematic analysis, but, on the contrary, praises for scribbles. This is the position one should take in relation to parents.
According to the psychologist, it is necessary to change the attitude to people in general, because the world mirrors our attitude and behavior.
In order to increase self-esteem and gain self-confidence, Daria Serebryakova advises to avoid people who, communicating with others, frankly devalue their merits, negatively treat colleagues and acquaintances. At the same time, it is important to objectively assess the results of their actions - success and achievements in themselves set the right mood.
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