A psychologist told how to survive the loss of a loved one

Psychologist Galina Gubanova told Izvestia on December 23 how to survive the loss of a loved one. She noted that the loss of a loved one always happens unexpectedly and it is impossible to prepare for it.

The expert noted that there is a method of grief living, invented and described in the book "On Death and Dying" by the American psychiatrist of the middle of the last century Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. She conducted research in a cancer clinic and was the first to determine that there are five stages, defense mechanisms of the psyche that are triggered exclusively in difficult situations.

"This five-stage model includes: denial: 'No, it can't be true'; anger: 'Why exactly with me (or him, her)? Why? Unfair"; bargaining, depression: "Life has lost all meaning now", "I don't want anything"; acceptance: "Life will no longer be the same, it will be different". Many experts cite this scheme as a panacea, but it is wrong! And if you live your grief in a different way, not like this, not in this order, it is absolutely normal", - Gubanova specified.

She added that Kübler-Ross herself explained that her five stages is just an algorithm, which can really help some people to get over the misfortune, to see that the light at the end of the tunnel will appear, and it will give them hope and strength, but for someone it may be ineffective.

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That being said, Gubanova advised that in order to get over a loss, one should do what one feels.

"The most important thing I want to say to those who find themselves in this situation: allow yourself everything you want, everything that can enable and help to ease your pain at least a little, it is the right thing to do. If you want to cry - cry, scream! If, on the contrary, stupor and no tears - it means that it is such a shock, it means that the body now feels like this, if it came on out of the blue - give yourself free will, crying, anger. Now you should not be shy and think what others will think about you. You should not be guided by other people's opinions," the psychologist emphasized.

If a person wants to be alone, then he should do it. Also if there is a desire to complain, then you should do so. People who can be near at such a moment and give a shoulder, will definitely be found, the specialist is sure.

"The only thing that categorically should not be done is to leave your pain and worries in yourself. Do not try to go headlong into work or, conversely, in a state of agitation to forget, drown out, distract, pretend that you cope with everything, you are a steadfast tin soldier. Sometimes it is a clever trick of our brain, which is frightened by the intensity of feelings and emotions and tries with all its might to supplant, to try to avoid their onslaught," - said the expert.

According to her, suppressed emotions will definitely make themselves known - physically by a disease at the level of the body or delayed depression.

At the same time, speaking about those who found themselves in a difficult moment next to a person experiencing grief, she specified: no one can help in this situation, but to be near and support, to live and containerize grief is definitely possible.

"Do not slow him down, do not say, 'Calm down' or 'Do not get angry'. Give the person next to you the opportunity to be himself and to spill out all the pain that overwhelms him. Try now to understand the unbearable bitterness and emptiness that he feels in connection with the loss, talk to him about it. Believe me, this is a good thing and it would not take long, but it will ease his psychological state," said Gubanova.

Earlier, on December 1, the doctor-neurologist of the medical company "SberZdorovye" Polina Lepilova told "Izvestia" about five non-obvious reasons to consult a neurologist. Thus, the reason for consultation with a specialist in this field may be a feeling of anxiety and internal tension, difficulties in falling asleep and waking up, visual disturbances, numbness and tingling in the extremities, as well as discomfort in the legs.