The alarm signal: how the body reacts to the lack of sympathy
The well-known expression "gut feeling" has a scientific basis. We evaluate other people not only with the help of the brain, but also at the level of bodily reactions. Using special techniques helps to recognize who is in front of us — an enemy or a friend, in love or indifferent. Why the first and last words are more memorable, what external signs help to better understand people, and why Gleb Zheglov's rules work flawlessly — in the Izvestia article.
Positive appearance
Clinical psychologist and body therapist Sergey Volkov believes that there are very few specific life hacks that effectively help to win over an interlocutor in person, if we consider such a life hack as a simple and quick solution.
"But the contact and impression management system is an innate human capability," says the clinical psychologist. — It is based on neurological and untraceable reactions in most cases. Knowing how it works, we can provoke the reactions we need, including positive ones. For example, people dressed in straight-cut fabrics with a rigid structure create the impression of wealth and business success.
According to Volkov, the contact management technique itself is not a secret, it is taught to practicing psychologists in additional courses. The average period of its development is 1.5–3 years.
— In the modern world, this is considered too long, — says the expert. — Therefore, such courses are not popular in society, and people are looking for quick advice, which in most cases does not work.
Sergey Volkov notes that this technique consists of reflection: observing oneself, managing one's psychoemotional state, and good empathy — the ability to understand and distinguish between the psycho-emotional states of an interlocutor or a group. Even if you just stand next to a person, you can cause both anxiety and joy, emphasizes Volkov.
A clinical psychologist believes that a lot depends on our inner feelings. When we experience (with our body, this bodily feeling) our hatred, anger or fear, then people, involuntarily reading this, will feel anxious.
— It's the same on the positive side. We like people who are confident, who feel safe, calm and joyful," explains the clinical psychologist. "Bodily sensation is always associated with bodily expression, which may be incomprehensible to the mind, but the subconscious mind (the work of the so—called vagus nerve) reads faster and more accurately than speech.
The vagus nerve is not a figure of speech. It begins in the brain and descends through the neck into the chest and abdomen, "entangling" the heart, lungs, stomach, intestines and other organs. In simple terms, the vagus nerve is responsible for the connection between the mind and the body. Sometimes negative or positive feelings are not "read" at the level of the mind.
— In old Russia, they used to say: "I feel it in my gut," that is, "with my guts," says Sergey Volkov. — Modern science has found out that some analytical processes in the brain, which do not have the opportunity to rise to the level of consciousness, take place due to the nervous network of the intestine, creating what we call intuition. Therefore, the expression is completely correct.
Candidate of Psychological Sciences Alina Koroleva notes that from 50% to 80% of information is transmitted and read non—verbally - through body language.
— To gain trust, it is important to be honest — it is read as a harmony (congruence) between words and your non—verbal signals, - suggests Koroleva.
What do the body's reactions tell us?
Even the most inattentive person is able to understand what impression he made when communicating. If it is good, then the interlocutor, according to Volkov, demonstrates the so-called yes reaction.
— This is a forward tilt, a barely noticeable shake of the head in agreement, gestures directed towards you with an open palm (an open gesture), a change of position from closed to open. Any desire of the body for you is a "yes reaction," says Sergey Volkov.
If a person involuntarily pulls away, hides his hands, purses his lips or crosses his arms over his chest, as if defending himself, then it was clearly not possible to impress him.
The expert warns that people who negotiate a lot have both "yes-" and "no-reactions" "cleaned out" of body language. They have excellent control over their bodies in order to remain neutral and thus maintain room for maneuver in the dialogue.
A clinical psychologist advises paying attention to the following reactions:
Poses and movements of sympathy:
Eye contact
Straight posture
Leaning forward during a conversation
Relaxed forehead and inter-brow crease
Smooth gestures
Postures and movements of antipathy or discontent:
Clamped jaw
Clamped and restrained facial expressions
Tense eyebrows and an inter-brow crease
Slouching or pulling the neck into the shoulders
The habit of lifting your shoulders
Sharp, ragged, chopping gestures
Gestures that mimic pushing away or hitting
Lack of bodily reactions
First and last words
It is believed that the first words and final phrases usually set the tone for any meeting. The state from which we build relationships really depends on them. And if the first words are a boorish "Hey you ...", then it is unlikely that the interlocutor will be happy with your visit, and the meeting will take place in overcoming mutual resentment and anger, explains Volkov.
— And if you know in advance what the person you are going to like, for example, a sense of power or a sense of equality, then you can start a dialogue from different, more advantageous positions, not even related to your attitude to the situation, — says the expert.
According to the body therapist, people subconsciously like completed tasks, so it's better to end the conversation with this feature in mind.
— Competent sales managers or people managers always summarize the meeting, say something like: "Let's summarize what we agreed on ...", suggests a clinical psychologist. — At the same time, the actual agreements may be insignificant, but it doesn't matter to the brain — we celebrate the completion, not the result.
A clinical psychologist advises parting on a positive note. "It's not about joy, as many people believe, but about hope and sincere interest or gratitude to the interlocutor," explains Volkov.
But the middle of the conversation, according to the body therapist, can be any. In the process of communication, irritation is acceptable or misunderstanding may occur. But the main rule is always the same: you should enter into a dialogue and leave a conversation as friends. "Negotiations are the art of diplomats, not warriors," the expert concludes.
Alina Koroleva emphasizes that attention is the most expensive currency, so it depends on the first phrase whether a person will be heard and whether they will continue to listen or whether his words will fly by. The final phrase is also important, and during the conversation, at any stage, bright, non-standard phrases catch your attention.
— For persuasiveness, it is important to be in good condition and confident in the information being spoken, — comments Koroleva. — Therefore, it makes sense even to look in advance and think over successful turns.
How to behave at an interview
Making the right impression is especially important when applying for a job. HR Director of the National Center for Genetic Research (MyGenetics) Elena Berezina believes that the overall impression should be remembered, which is formed not only from the first and last words, but also from a holistic image.
— If we are talking about a candidate for employment, then clarity of speech, clarity of thought, self-confidence, neat appearance, communication culture are important, — she comments. — Your gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, and way of expressing thoughts matter. The image of a professional is formed gradually and depends on many factors at the same time.
According to Berezina, in an interview, a brilliant beginning and end of a conversation can go unnoticed if the behavior or answers were mediocre in the main part of the interview. The expert emphasizes that meeting with the candidate allows you to see the personality, understand the level of motivation, emotional maturity and communicative flexibility. It is personal communication that shows how comfortable an employee will be interacting with the team, resolving conflicts and taking the initiative.
Elena Berezina notes that external factors remain significant elements of the candidate's assessment. A strict business suit has ceased to be a requirement for all professions, but cleanliness, well-groomed and neatness are still perceived positively.
— The attractiveness of appearance alone is not enough to make a hiring decision. Professional qualities and personal characteristics play a much bigger role. External presentability rather enhances a positive impression, but professionalism and the availability of necessary skills become the decisive factor," the specialist comments.
A particularly important external aspect, according to Berezina, is the ability to behave confidently and naturally. Regardless of their profession, candidates who demonstrate good communication skills, a high level of self-organization, and openness to new experiences have an advantage. The most important thing in an interview is to remain yourself and speak sincerely about your experience and knowledge. An experienced recruiter will easily recognize a lie, in addition, any inconsistencies will be revealed in the first months of work. The main thing is to focus not so much on choosing the right words, but on a meaningful perception of the interview process itself. It is important to determine whether the proposed position is suitable for you: whether the functionality meets your expectations, values, and career opportunities.
One more important factor should not be discounted — genetics.
Scientific research shows that our genes influence the development of skills and self—esteem, and even preferences in the work environment. People with certain genetic characteristics can learn new skills more easily or adapt faster to stressful situations," Berezina comments.
The Rules of Gleb Zheglov
The Olds remember the golden rules of communication from Gleb Zheglov, the hero of the film "The meeting place cannot be changed." The legendary Murovets advised to smile more often, find a topic interesting to a person, move the conversation to a conversation about himself and show genuine interest in the interlocutor. These rules are the "gold standard" of all professions related to working with people, says Volkov. And here's why:
— Smiling neurologically causes relaxation, because only those who are friendly towards us smile. But it's important to practice smiling in front of a mirror so that it doesn't look like a snarl.
A shot from the movie "The meeting place cannot be changed"
— An interesting topic for an opponent gives him a sense of confidence and reduces tension in the dialogue. And a relaxed person subconsciously ceases to control himself and begins to tell the truth, which Zheglov used.
— Moving the conversation towards the topic of the interlocutor himself, what he thinks about a particular issue, what his experience is, how he feels about what is happening, and so on creates a sense of closeness and awakens a desire to help.
— Genuine interest plays a huge role — in the modern world, almost no one is genuinely interested in people, so it's nice to talk about yourself to those who nod sympathetically, ask leading questions and listen fascinatedly to our story about ourselves.
"Listening and listening is an art," says the clinical psychologist. In his opinion, if people learn these simple rules, then the world will immediately become much kinder and safer.
— There is an opinion that when getting to know each other, it is better to avoid problematic topics, tell neutral stories, and avoid what is really a problem. However, it is problematic topics that make it possible to learn each other's values," comments Alina Koroleva.
But when it comes to personal relationships, there are also taboo topics. At the first meeting, Alina Koroleva advises against talking about money and intimate relationships — to discuss these topics, you need to at least get a little closer emotionally. Otherwise, it is quite possible to spoil the impression.
— At the very beginning of romantic communication, it is repulsive when, upon acquaintance, they begin to emotionally scold and blame past partners for everything, — says Koroleva. — If emotions towards past partners are still vivid, it means that those relationships did not end until the end. And this is obviously a disastrous situation for a new connection.
To gain sympathy, the psychologist recommends discussing what you like. When a person talks about something with "burning eyes", it always disposes to him and captivates the interlocutor. At such moments, we seem sincere and outspoken to others, and you can understand how people's areas of interest coincide.
Who you don't want to be friends with
The first impression is very important when getting to know each other. According to Sergey Volkov, the only thing that can destroy people's relationships at the very beginning is personal neglect and personal insult. Each of us has our own personal theme, which we will never forgive, he emphasizes.
The impression is always spoiled by insecurity, overconfidence and a sense of insecurity. An insecure person creates an aura of weakness and loss. You don't want to talk to him on equal terms: he either obeys or causes anger and hatred.
"Self—confidence, or more precisely, a show of force, will always provoke anger and discontent," the expert warns. "It provokes people to fight, even if there is no point in it. Those who are weaker will try to avoid such "overwhelming" contacts. Equals or those who are stronger will enter into conflict for the sake of conflict.
But the expert calls insecurity the subtle and most insidious enemy of communication. And it's not just about a clear threat that causes fear.
— Imagine that you meet your colleague in tears. How will you support him? Nine out of ten say: "Don't worry" or "Don't cry." Such phrases sound like "Stop doing this immediately"! This has long been the norm of society, but it is rejected by the unconscious part of the brain. The person who wanted to help and support becomes the one who rejected and did not accept," the clinical psychologist comments.
The "blacklist" of unpleasant behaviors includes jokes, jokes, gossip, touching without permission. Sergey Volkov advises asking for permission, for example, if you have to borrow someone else's pencil or when you sit down at a colleague's desk. From such seemingly small things, a positive image of a person is also formed.
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