A sense of home: how foster families and their children live in Russia
The institution of foster families has been actively developing in Russia over the past few years. However, the decision to adopt an orphaned child is not only a step into a new life, but also a great responsibility. What awaits future parents, how they are prepared for this and who can support them — in the Izvestia material.
Coming out of the shadows
Over the past 5-10 years, the institution of foster families in Russia has undergone significant changes. Many experts call this period the time to step out of the shadow of the topic of substitute parenting, said Elena Tumanova-Machinskaya, a psychologist at the Volunteers for Orphaned Children charity Foundation.
— 15-20 years ago, the practice of "secret adoption" persisted in society — parents preferred to hide the very fact of adoption or custody from the child and the environment. This was due to the high level of stigma: it was believed that adoption was a closed topic, which it was better not to talk about. Today, the situation is gradually changing," Tumanova-Machinskaya shared.
According to her, the state, NGOs and the professional community of psychologists conduct seminars, trainings, and public lectures, which emphasize that the "mystery of adoption" often harms the child and the family, and creates feelings of guilt and "exclusion" in children.
What is the difference between custody and adoption?
The institution of foster families in Russia has ceased to be a marginal topic and is increasingly perceived by society as one of the normal forms of family life. The information component also plays an important role: stories of foster families, interviews with parents and children, materials on the legal, psychological and social aspects of substitute parenting appear, the expert emphasized.
— Such PR in the best sense of the word helps to show society that a foster family is not exotic, but a natural and worthy choice when adults are ready to take responsibility for a child, — said Tumanova—Machinskaya.
Svetlana Khismatullina, executive director of the Hug Everyone Foundation and mother of four children, three of whom are adopted, believes that the truth, told on time and correctly, helps a child to form a healthy self-esteem and accept his past.
— In no case should you lie or evade answers during a conversation. If the story is complicated, it is better to seek help from a psychologist specializing in foster children. It will help you choose the right words and prepare your child for a possible emotional reaction. It is important to remember that this is not a one—time conversation, but a constant process of forming a child's identity, which requires patience and love from the parent," Khismatullina emphasized.
The long way
Oksana Khukhlina, a lawyer at the Volunteers in Aid of Orphaned Children Charity Foundation, explained the adoption and custody process to Izvestia. First, the candidate undergoes training at the Foster Parents' School, which lasts from 1.5 to 3 months, depending on the region. By law, the waiting time for classes to start should not exceed 30 days. In a number of regions, candidates undergo a socio-psychological examination after completing their training at the Foster Parents' School. Despite the fact that such a measure is not fixed at the federal level, in practice it will not always be possible to obtain final documents without it.
Next, the candidate collects the necessary documents: an autobiography, a certificate of income, a medical report on form 164U-1, the consent of cohabiting family members for custody, a marriage certificate, housing documents, and a certificate of completion of training in the SPD. These documents are submitted to the guardianship authorities at the place of residence to obtain an opinion on the possibility of being a guardian or adoptive parent. The guardianship authority verifies information about housing conditions and certificates, independently requests information about the applicants' criminal record and prepares an opinion within 17 working days. The conclusion is valid for two years.
Since 2012, training at the Foster Parents' School has been mandatory for all future adoptive parents and guardians, except for the child's close relatives and those successful guardians and adoptive parents who adopted children into the family before September 2012.
After receiving the conclusion, the candidate can start searching for a child. This process consists of two stages: working with the child database at various levels and getting to know a specific child. To register with the database, you need to submit an application, which is considered within one business day. Then the candidate gets acquainted with the questionnaires of the children and can receive a referral for acquaintance with a specific child, which is valid for 10 working days. During this period, it is necessary to visit the institution where the child is located, get to know him and make a decision.
If the decision is positive, then an application with a package of documents is submitted to the guardianship authorities at the child's location. A certificate of appointment of the candidate as a guardian is issued within 10 working days. It is also possible to adopt a child immediately, in which case an application for adoption with the necessary documents is submitted to the district court, but a decision can be made within two to six months. Therefore, it is recommended to take custody of the child, take the child home, and then apply for adoption in court.
Svetlana Khismatullina noted that on this long journey, parents encounter a lot of stereotypes and misconceptions — for example, about bad genetics, which will spill out into socially disadvantaged inclinations, or about conflicts with blood parents. All this, as well as the myth that an adopted child will always feel like a stranger, in her opinion, does not correspond to reality, because "in a house full of warmth, understanding and mutual respect," the child will feel like his own, regardless of where he came from. In some cases, even communication with a blood family can be beneficial for a child.
The main thing is not to give up
In the winter of 2023, when Tatiana Rebinder turned 40, she became a mother for the first time, and immediately a seven—year-old girl who was brought to Moscow from a remote orphanage. Despite the fact that she was seriously preparing for this step — she went through Foster Care School, read a lot about adoption and watched interviews with other foster parents, the first weeks of living together came as a real shock to her.
"The most important thing I wasn't ready for was how different a seven—year—old child from Sistema is from other seven—year-olds I know," Tatiana told Izvestia.
According to her, on the one hand, it was an adult with a difficult experience. The girl didn't trust anyone, she was used to relying only on herself, and every second she proved that she knew and could do everything better than her foster parent.
On the other hand, she was like a two—year-old kid-she didn't know basic things like the names of vegetables and fruits, letters, numbers, and she also didn't understand basic threats, such as getting run over by a car or hanging out of a window.
There were a lot of scary things in her past: she knew how to bypass cameras in stores, talked about gang fights, which she had heard from older children. This world was dark and full of fear, where evil not only wins, but rules, and the good are weak and pathetic.
— At the same time, she was a very kind and empathetic girl, always loved animals, protected the weak. We struggled with her nightmares for a long time, she screamed and struggled on the bed every night. Her rehabilitation required me to be fully involved "twenty-four by seven," and yet I also worked and no one canceled other cases. It was very difficult. Because of her nightmares, I didn't get enough sleep, and during the day, while she was sleeping it off, I tried to do some things," Tatiana Rebinder shared.
Tatiana's mother supported her in her decision to take the child, but after seeing all the difficulties, she was worried at first and did not expect such problems. However, over time, she adopted her granddaughter, and their relationship strengthened. Now the three of them are a real family.
— It is very difficult to say what advice I would give to a person who wants to take a child. They gave me too much advice at the time, but I still wasn't ready. One thing I will say: adaptation can be very difficult, but it will pass, it will become a little easier. The child will change. What seems like insurmountable difficulties will be remembered later with a smile. The main thing is not to give up and not expect big results right away. Changes happen gradually, and it takes time, — said Tatiana.
At some point, she felt like she couldn't handle it, and her hands dropped. Tatiana felt that she was alone in her problems, because if she had a newborn, she could ask her mother or friends for advice, but none of her friends took a seven-year-old child from an orphanage. In moments of desperation, Tatiana found the phone number of the foundation "Volunteers to Help Orphaned Children" on the Internet, and this became her salvation. Tatiana and her daughter started going to the foundation to see a psychologist and a neuropsychologist, and the foundation's lawyer helped her arrange the required payments. Here she communicates with other foster families, not feeling alone in her problems.
— In winter, my daughter will be at home for three years. Now my life looks the way I once wanted it to.: I have a smart, funny and happy daughter, and we have a great time together. It's even strange for me to remember the adaptation and the difficulties I had to face, and my daughter no longer remembers many of her fears.
The children who are waiting
Families raising foster children face a number of serious problems that often require intervention at the level of complaints and appeals to the authorities. One of them is the registration of children at their place of residence, as sometimes the MFC and the Ministry of Internal Affairs refuse to register a child together with a guardian without the permission of the guardianship authorities, according to data collected by the Volunteers to Help Orphaned Children Foundation.
There are also difficulties in ensuring that foster children with disabilities have access to educational and cultural institutions. For example, in the practice of the foundation, there was a case when a foster child with a disability was accepted into a local "circle", despite the absence of contraindications or threats to other children, and was enrolled only in individual classes.
In some cases, foster children face refusals to enroll in schools both at their place of residence and in correctional institutions. Parents complain that schools are playing football with difficult children. The issue is resolved only after complaints are filed. Some of the interviewed foster parents noted difficulties with the medical care of orphaned children under guardianship, such as refusal to send them to rehabilitation and complex procedures, as well as difficulties in obtaining the necessary rehabilitation facilities.
Another important issue is the biased attitude towards foster parents on the part of some government agencies, the foundation says. Medical professionals may refuse to rehabilitate a child because of mental diagnoses, even despite the certificates and conclusions of specialized specialists. Some parents spoke about the excessive interference of guardianship authorities in the family's life, which causes additional stress and difficulties in caring for children.
There is another "fly in the ointment" — families often face negative perceptions when their children are considered "not like that", and the parents themselves are accused of either insufficient care or selfish motives in adopting or obtaining custody.
A wide variety of types of support, both material and non-material, are provided for foster families.
Elena Tumanova-Machinskaya notes the active participation of non-profit organizations in supporting foster families. The main activities of the NGO include psychological and legal assistance, as well as social and medical support. Within the framework of the Volunteers for Orphans Foundation, several forms of psychological assistance are provided, including the Children in the Family hotline, face-to-face consultations and support.
Svetlana Khismatullina added that the guardianship and guardianship authorities are the first instrument of support and consultation for foster parents. In addition, psychological services provide qualified psychological assistance and support to foster families, since timely recognition of signs of burnout and active use of available assistance resources are key factors for maintaining well—being and creating a favorable environment for the child's development.
Become a family
Anna Khobotova, a teenage psychologist and psychotherapist and head of a network of centers for helping difficult teenagers, identifies several myths and unjustified expectations faced by future foster parents: a child can be "remade", a child will be grateful and obedient, foster children will easily get along with their relatives, a child will hate his own mother and treat foster parents better, The adaptation will take a month or two.
According to Khobotova, foster children often have low self-esteem, and they can behave out of spite. Sometimes they even ask to be returned to an orphanage. Khobotova emphasizes that it is important to answer yourself honestly before adoption.: "Are you ready to accept someone else's child with a difficult past and without quick changes?" As for how to tell a child his story, Khobotova notes that, despite the fact that a child may feel resentment towards his own mother, he will still look for her.
The questionnaires of children who need parents and live in Moscow can be found on the My New Family portal in the "I want to join a family" section.
State Duma deputy and member of the education Committee Anna Valeryevna Skroznikova emphasizes that the first months with an adopted child are a period of adaptation when a child may experience anxiety, a sense of loss and protest behavior. It is important to remember that an adopted child is an ordinary child who needs care, not idealized behavior.
The importance of creating harmonious relations between blood and foster children in the same family cannot be overestimated, Svetlana Khismatullina agrees. It must be remembered that foster children may have their own characteristics related to the past and are not always ready to open up, so parents must create a safe atmosphere where everyone feels protected and heard.
— Parents should regularly discuss their children's feelings and experiences, allowing everyone to express their thoughts and concerns. It is important to set rules and boundaries that are fair to all children. This will help to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings. Maintain an honest and equitable approach. Encourage spending time together, playing sports, games, or shared hobbies," the expert concluded.
Переведено сервисом «Яндекс Переводчик»
