A fairy tale for adults: can a person change in marriage
Many people justify the decision to divorce by saying that after the marriage was registered, the partner did not change for the better. And they complain that it is for this reason that family life has not gone well. However, both men and women remain themselves after going to the registry office — only our attitude towards our spouses changes. Whether a partner can become different after several years of marriage, what determines the character and what prevents you from seeing the unpleasant habits of the other at the very beginning of the relationship — in the material of Izvestia.
How to work on yourself
It is unusual for most people to change radically for the better with age in terms of character and personality, because it requires very serious efforts, strong willpower and motivation, says psychiatrist and psychotherapist Alexei Vilkov. Most people don't have such resources. Most often, according to the psychiatrist, character traits, habits and lifestyle either remain the same as they were, or worsen. Therefore, the spouses, complaining that they went to the registry office with a completely different person, are partly right. Wormholes, which were not very pronounced in their youth, gradually attract attention.
The psychiatrist notes that many family people over the years also restrain themselves less at home, so their negative traits become more noticeable. So it seems that the partner has changed for the worse, although in fact he is the same as he was. It's just that now he has no restraining factors: the desire and resources to work on himself, to curb some negative reactions.
— At the first stage of a relationship, people try to present themselves in a more favorable light, hide and even hide their shortcomings, show only positive sides, try to be better, pave the way for this, — says the psychiatrist. — But gradually in marriage this fuse and motivation decreases.
If the partners do not work on the relationship, do not care about their joint well-being, then the disadvantages appear more often and worsen the quality of the relationship, up to the threat of separation.
Alexey Vilkov advises spouses to work on themselves and on relationships — then crises can be overcome. It is important for spouses to demonstrate their positive qualities more often and notice the good in their partners.
— But again, it is very problematic to radically change. Only a few people are capable of this — people who have great willpower or people with a so-called abnormal character who can completely transform themselves. But in this case, it can also be a sign of mental instability," comments Alexey Vilkov.
What does the character depend on?
Clinical psychologist and sexologist Sergey Volkov emphasizes that it is really very difficult to change the character, but it can be supplemented with new experiences and reactions, as well as change the vector of the old ones. From the expert's point of view, character is a system of psychological defenses that has developed during human development as a response to what is happening around them and their inner feelings. For example, if a child grew up in a family where it is not customary to talk about emotions, then he will become the same tactless adult who loads others with his feelings, not caring if they are ready to listen to him.
— Or, on the contrary, people lock themselves in, looking for ways not to feel anything, not to experience emotions. And someone is distracted by deep emotionless activities like assembling models, reading scientific literature, watching silly videos on the Internet. In severe cases, people drink alcohol to cope with emotions," continues Volkov.
According to Volkov, it should be borne in mind that only the innate reactions of neurology, the features of the brain structure and the consequences of physical injuries and diseases remain unchanged.
— For example, sometimes after suffering from encephalitis, a person has a problem with paying attention to the emotional expressions of another. And it seems to the partner that he is not being heard, not appreciated, ignored. But in fact, another person cannot give what he lacks due to physiological disorders," explains Sergey Volkov.
Candidate of Psychological Sciences Alina Koroleva adds that a person can change greatly under the influence of critical circumstances: loss of health, loss of loved ones, someone else's influence (for example, a sect) or a severe traumatic situation. In such cases, life values, character traits, and habits change.
Do I need to change my husband's habits
Most often, it is each other's habits and behavioral patterns dictated by ignorance of etiquette that begin to annoy partners when they live side by side for a long time. But in this case, if desired, you can come to a compromise.
— If the character is a fairly stable construct that does not change without much effort or shock, then behavior, habits and attitude to etiquette can be developed or degraded, — says Alina Koroleva.
According to Sergey Volkov, all habits have a common basis — they allow a person to relieve neurological stress. Some give quick relief, such as breaking nails or smoking. Others create a sense of control and confidence due to consistency — in particular, the habit of putting objects in certain places, performing certain rituals before going to bed or work.
— If habits are not the only way to calm down, then they can always be replaced with others that are more useful. On average, it takes 3-6 months," suggests a clinical psychologist. — It is necessary to seriously adjust those that bring tangible harm and are built at the same time as the basis of life. For example, neurotic showering for 3-6 hours a day requires serious intervention.
It doesn't always make sense to change habits in order to solve some family problem. Since we are talking about interaction in a couple, a clinical psychologist advises recognizing the partner's right to their own characteristics if they do not harm other household members. The family is not a battlefield, but a place of agreements and mutual benefit, the expert emphasizes.
— For example, someone likes dessert on Fridays and may not participate in the family diet — this is their right. However, in order not to embarrass the household, dessert can be eaten in a coffee shop, in pleasant solitude, enjoying the taste," continues Volkov.
But etiquette is a set of rules that we follow or ignore consciously and intentionally. Anyone can change their attitude towards the set of these rules, but it must be justified. Moreover, the behavior of an adult is an act of meaningful action and it can and should be under control, the clinical psychologist believes.
— We do not choose our feelings and thoughts, but our actions are always only our decision. No matter how strong your feelings are, there is always a choice of what to say or do: insult and hit or calm down and sympathize," comments Volkov.
When love passes
At the moment of falling in love, which lasts from a year to three years, the partner's critical perception is strongly suppressed by the hormonal system, recalls a clinical psychologist.
— It is provided by nature so that we get in touch more often and more easily than in conflict and confrontation. It's during this period that partners may not notice the other's usual habits and norms. When the fleur—de-lis dissipates, you can hear a surprised "but I've been doing this all my life and you didn't care about it before," says Sergey Volkov.
Each of us should be prepared for the fact that over time he will see something not very pleasant in his partner.
Psychologist Koroleva also emphasizes that at the very beginning of a relationship, partners tend to focus on love, which they mistake for falling in love and hormonal attractiveness.
— All this can eventually develop into true love, which is different from ordinary passion, and may fade away. And then the spiritual values of the partners and their focus in life come to the fore. If they match, then the relationship strengthens and love matures with a capital letter," the psychologist comments.
If the interests and views of the partners are radically different, then the gap between them increases.
— When I hear complaints during consultations that partners are infuriated by ordinary everyday trifles, for me this is a signal of the gap between the spouses, and not about household nonsense, — continues Alina Koroleva.
According to the psychologist, in an emotionally intimate relationship, a cup left on the table does not irritate, but causes a smile. It's really a small thing compared to everything else that family life is built on. And the cup cannot outweigh other interests.
— More than 10 years ago, family psychologists came to the conclusion that the most solid foundation of a family is a mortgage, — says Sergey Volkov ironically. — There was even a joke that you only need to swear love to someone with whom you are willing to share a housing loan.
Family crises
If a person (wife or husband) seems strange and unpleasant, Alina Koroleva advises first of all to sort yourself out. What happened, for what reason the feelings turned cold. The reasons can be trivial and easily overcome.
— If you don't take care of yourself and don't understand your needs, and you expect your partner to figure out something important to you, it leads to burnout and resentment towards your spouse. Like, he doesn't care about you enough. But a partner can only join in your self—care, strengthen it, but not organize it for you," comments Koroleva.
Such burnouts indicate crises that are inevitable in family life. According to Sergey Volkov, in fact, our whole life is a story of crises and overcoming. This must be taken into account.
— There is no point in preparing for them specifically, you just need to develop your flexibility and adaptability. It is important to be able to negotiate, defend and defend, accept, ask and give help. And then any crisis can be overcome, regardless of the context," summarizes Sergey Volkov. — If both are willing to at least have a conversation, then a lot can be fixed.
Alina Koroleva names the main crises that spouses face:
— The crisis of the beginning of cohabitation. Life consists of everyday details. When partners start living together, the unromantic moments of life manifest themselves: fatigue, illness, domestic problems.
— A crisis of fading passion. It happens differently for everyone, but the fading of passion usually lasts from several months to several years.
— The birth crisis. The appearance of a baby brings a lot of changes in a well-adjusted life, adds responsibility and worries 24/7 for several years. Fatigue and sleep deprivation make the situation worse.
— The crisis of changing the financial situation. Any drastic changes in the family's finances are a test. An increase in income and inheritance is no less stressful than a decrease in income or other financial losses.
— The crisis of changing the place of residence.
— The crisis related to diseases. Loss of health is a serious test of a relationship's strength.
— The "empty nest" crisis. Parenting is a process that unites spouses and fills their lives for many years to come. It matters what unites the partners at a new stage of life.
If both partners are committed to health, children, and career development, then it's easy for them to change their lifestyle together, find new suitable physical activities, and support each other in professional development, Koroleva believes.
A clinical psychologist recommends that those who are going through a crisis of family life, first of all, not to be silent, but to talk to each other.
— Be prepared for hysteria, both your own and someone else's. Make it clear to yourself that your task is not to win the argument, but to make the other person understand you and be able to repeat your position. He may not agree with her, but it all starts with understanding and acknowledging someone else's opinion," says Volkov.— Don't talk about how bad everything is, but talk specifically about what exactly you want to offer as a solution. But remember that you can only ask for really doable things: take out the trash, clean the coffee machine, pay the bills. But it is absolutely impossible to demand eternal fidelity or humiliating forgiveness.
When a relationship comes to an impasse, there is no need to be afraid of contacting a family psychologist who will help establish normal communication. Sergey Volkov also recalls that in addition to psychological assistance, there is a family mediation institute in the country that specializes in conflict resolution. The mediator does not take sides, but helps to understand the situation.
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