Military patron: which men will never remain single
The initiative to create a bachelor registry was sent to the very top by Russian social activists. Activists propose, in particular, to include men in this blacklist who have not been able to progress beyond three romantic meetings in their relationships. For such inertia, representatives of the stronger sex are even threatened to be sent to correctional labor. Why people fail in their personal lives, how to present themselves correctly when dating, and which men will never fall into the category of bachelors — in the Izvestia article.
The three-date rule
The information about the bold idea of creating a registry of unmarried men caused heated discussions on the Web. In this list, social activists propose to include information about those who do not go on dates for a certain time or fail after three meetings.
Professional matchmaker Anna Osipova believes that the bachelor registry is "discrimination of the purest kind" and urges men to take care of men rather than register them because of failures in their personal lives.
— Then let's create a registry of kept women, aunts with excessive demands and a "crown" on their heads, as well as other categories of women who perceive a man only in the context of "what will I get from him?" — says Anna Osipova. — I do not take sides, but I would like to emphasize that 90% of women who turn to matchmakers, the first point of their "demands" is the financial well-being of the future chosen one, whereas in most cases a man does not even think about how much money the young lady has in her accounts.
Nevertheless, the matchmaker considers important those three meetings, which are discussed in the bold initiative of the social activists. According to her, this is a necessary minimum of communication, allowing you to get an idea of a person, and not a milestone after which you need to send someone to the blacklist. Moreover, a relationship is a matter of two people, and it is difficult to establish for certain whose fault it is that they did not go well.
— On the first date, a person may not open up. One is shy, the other may have a stomach ache, and the third may have thoughts of trouble at work. In this case, the person is unlikely to make the right impression on a potential partner," comments Anna Osipova. She recommends giving a person a chance for at least three meetings — during this time they will be able to relax, relax and become themselves.
The matchmaker notes that after the third date, a lot becomes clear, but if doubts remain, then it must be decided in favor of the person.
— If you are still in doubt whether this is your man, go on another date, — comments Anna Osipova. — But if you just have one hundred percent certainty that this is not your man, well, then that's the way it is.
Clinical psychologist, sexologist, and psychosomatologist Sergey Volkov generally advises against focusing on the number of meetings. From the point of view of academic psychology, there is no rule of three dates, the expert emphasizes. In about three dates, it is indeed possible to get to know a person and move on to the stage of rapprochement in a relationship, but no evidence has been found of a link between the number of meetings and building social connections.
— Nevertheless, the "try three necessarily" scheme is very useful for people with certain character structures. These people consider an acquaintance unsuccessful if they didn't like something not even about a person, but, for example, in the atmosphere of a restaurant or in their own behavior (shyness, shyness). And they refuse to meet again," the sexologist explains.
The expert emphasizes that these are usually people with very developed intelligence, asthenic in appearance, prone either to vivid self-expression in clothes, or, conversely, to greyness. They tend to "stew" in their inner experiences.
— We really evaluate a partner quickly, literally in seconds. But deep understanding takes time and a lot of contexts that cannot be comprehended even in three meetings," says Sergey Volkov.
According to the sexologist, the speed of rapprochement between partners depends on personality, culture, experience and communication format. Someone may become interested immediately, and someone — only after 10 dates.
Which suitors are successful
How should one not behave in order not to get into the bachelor registry, if one ever appears? According to the sexologist, evolutionary psychology has developed a number of common strategies for men and women, understanding which can build the foundation of a relationship.
— Nothing has changed since the Paleolithic period: women still choose the generous, friendly, intelligent and physically attractive. It is extremely important for women to see a man's resource capabilities," the expert says.
Moreover, according to the sexologist, this is sometimes indicated by completely unexpected attributes like watches or cufflinks, tall stature and even a small belly — this feature is subconsciously read as a sign of well-being and good nutrition.
— The main thing for a man is not to try to appear richer than he is. The lie will be revealed sooner or later, and the woman will be justifiably disappointed. In addition, the discrepancy between the external and internal state of a person is always visible," says the expert.
The sexologist calls the desire to share the second important criterion. Without this quality, a man usually seems to the ladies to be the greedy one with whom not everyone decides to continue a relationship.
— It's important for a woman to see intentions— kindness and generosity—rather than the amount you spent on her. Here everything is thought up and set out in the rules of etiquette. At a romantic meeting, a man chooses a restaurant and pays the bill. It's always nice to give flowers to a woman, and it's good form to offer her a taxi. The idea of equality between men and women is now popular. But equality in principle calls into question the need for other people, if I can do everything myself," the sexologist comments.
The expert considers intelligence to be an important attribute of a man. And not only because it is more interesting to communicate with a person who has expanded the boundaries of consciousness.
— Historically, women prefer smart men because the smart one always makes friends with the strong one. This means that he will get a better position, establish business ties, and solve problems safely," suggests Sergey Volkov. — It is difficult to "simulate" intelligence. Therefore, as in all cases, it is better to be sincere and joke about those topics and the way you do it in everyday life.
Anna Osipova warns that a potential partner can be scared off by everything from her appearance to her bad mood. But the main thing that negatively affects girls is unflattering reviews about anything — about the state, the authorities, and especially about their exes. Nobody likes nerds and spiteful people.
— At the very beginning of dating, exes are taboo. You can talk about them later, when the relationship has already developed and you have to touch on this topic for various reasons," the matchmaker suggests.
It is especially important not to put on a mask, because over time, reality will make itself felt. And of course, a woman will always appreciate how her companion communicates with others, for example, with waiters in a restaurant. Is he rude, looking down on everyone, or does he smile affably and appreciate the work of others. All this, from the matchmaker's point of view, greatly affects the understanding of the essence of a person.
"Don't act arrogantly,— the matchmaker suggests. — You can't have a monologue instead of a dialogue. No one wants to turn into just free ears. There should be some kind of equal ping-pong, when people speak equally. And there is no need to teach the other, to touch on topics about "how it should be."
Anna Osipova believes that the first meeting should be positive. You should talk about your hobbies to see if your worldview and area of interest coincide.
— If something negative happened suddenly before the date, then you can say that too. But not in the form of "they ruined my mood," but in other words: "I'm sorry, I had a difficult day, I'm going to exhale and everything will be fine," the matchmaker believes.
When a man behaves as if everyone owes him and the whole world is to blame for his failures, it's not surprising if a girl runs away from the first date, without waiting for the second and third. Even people with a very difficult fate will always find something good in their past life and tell you about it. Without a chance to meet again, there will never be a person who is positive and is not looking for a partner to make him laugh or get rid of loneliness, the matchmaker emphasizes.
— Be yourself. This does not mean that you have to come to a meeting in sweatpants with pulled knees and an unwashed head. Let's not exaggerate. Just don't take on someone else's role, be who you are," says Anna Osipova.
According to the matchmaker, there is nothing shameful if a person who is worried about a meeting says so directly.
Women who men like
Since there are two people involved in a relationship, it would be strange to shift responsibility for failures only to a man. Even the most rigid registry will not force a person to continue communicating with a partner if there is no spark in the couple or interests do not coincide.
— For men, the appearance of a partner is extremely important, but it is wrong to try to fit yourself to fashion standards for this. Men are attracted by a light gait, flexibility and smoothness of movements, clear skin, body symmetry, emphasized lips — this is a consolidated criterion that determines men's interest in women, explains the sexologist.
From the point of view of a clinical psychologist, the style of dresses, shoes and expensive jewelry do not attract male attention by themselves, but they can successfully emphasize beauty.
— A woman's response to his attention is also very important for men. Studies have shown that between an attractive but cold partner and an unattractive but cheerful, friendly and interested one, men overwhelmingly chose friendly ones. Kindness is more important than beauty," explains Sergey Volkov.
But if, despite everything, people still go their separate ways and do not continue to communicate, it makes no sense to despair. Experts agree: there are no unsuccessful dates. Every meeting teaches a person something if they really want to create a relationship.
— When people go on a first date, they think they're about to meet the person of their dreams. But you have to think about the fact that you will just come to a meeting with a new person. And you don't need to impose your excessive expectations on this whole process. So you came, looked at each other, and learned something new," says the matchmaker.
Sergey Volkov also notes that a negative result is also a result. Based on this, any date can be regarded as successful.
— People try to evaluate the result by achieving the goal: I got it, I didn't get it. But rather, evaluating the results by category is beneficial — not profitable. If you don't enter into a destructive, painful, difficult relationship that will drain your last strength and drag you to the bottom, then not getting into such a story is already a success. And it's much more profitable than trying a relationship, then getting damaged, and then fighting with a psychologist for two years for the opportunity to get out of such relationships," comments Volkov.
You just have to be glad that it immediately became clear that this was not your man, sums up the matchmaker. It's good if the rejected partner is not devoid of critical thinking and is able to look at himself from the outside — then he will be able to draw conclusions for the future and no longer burden people with personal problems and a bad mood.
Переведено сервисом «Яндекс Переводчик»
