Better than wine: why it's fashionable to want a milfu
In the last few years, relationships with an age difference have become not just a social norm, but a new trend. And it is not only about "masiks" and their younger admirers, the ranks of the most desirable companions are filled with women with adult children. Izvestia looked into who are milfs, why they are so popular among young people, as well as the pros and cons of unequal marriages.
Tele-women
Unequal marriage, especially in the context of relationships with an age difference, is an interesting and multifaceted phenomenon that in recent decades has attracted the attention of both researchers and the public.
Psychologist, entrepreneur and creator of the psychological app InMood Alina Ageeva notes that the term MILF (Mother I'd Like to F*ck) is commonly used to describe attractive middle-aged women. It is believed that the third wave of feminism, which began in the late 20th century, had a serious impact on this movement. It was then that women stopped seeing age as a limitation and began to openly express their wants, needs and sexuality.
- Previously, we were taught to think that after 35-40 years a woman loses her attractiveness and should focus on her family or, if there is no family, accept the role of "independent and lonely with many cats". But feminism destroyed these stereotypes and said: you have the right to live for yourself, to love and be loved regardless of your age," the expert emphasizes.
At the same time matchmaker and creator of a marriage agency Anna Osipova draws attention to the fact that milfs - this is not fashion and not a challenge to society. After all, at all times there were such precedents when a man chose a woman much older than himself as a companion.
- However, to talk about such relationships openly, analyze and define this phenomenon became only in the XXI century. The era of digital technology has added even more freedom: social networks and platforms are filled with examples of bright, energetic and sexually active women over 40. They demonstrate to the world that age is just a number," emphasizes the expert.
For example, in 2023 on the American channel TLC premiered a romantic reality show "Mansion Milf". Eight women come to a luxurious mansion in Mexico, where they will have to build relationships with each other's sons. The show has gained worldwide popularity and caused a big stir, particularly among the younger generation. At the moment, the project has only two seasons, with the last one released in 2024.
Myself
According to statistics, for 2022 in Russia there will be 10 million fewer men than women, Anna Osipova shares with Izvestia.
- This is a catastrophic figure, and I, as a matchmaker, can confirm this by analyzing statistics in a marriage agency. For example, the average man of 50 years old can immediately count on 10-20 offers of suitable candidates, when a woman of the same age - on 1-2.
In the West, according to the expert, the situation is different: men there are more, and when choosing a partner, they do not attach strong importance to the age, appearance and geography of the potential chosen one, so they are often ready to build a relationship with a woman of the same age or older.
Psychologist Alina Ageeva notes that in the United States, the MILF phenomenon has long been part of pop culture and is actively promoted through the media and even the porn industry, becoming a symbol of sexual liberation.
- In Western countries, mature women who date young men are not surprising. But in our more conservative countries, there are still prejudices," says the expert.
In her opinion, the principle "a man should be older" remains popular because of the stereotype about stability and protection, but new generations are beginning to break the habitual patterns.
- Patriarchy and gender stereotypes dictated the conditions, but now these roles are blurring. Mature women are becoming independent and self-sufficient. They do not need a "daddy" in the form of a partner, they earn their own money and decide what they want," says the psychologist. Thus, today more and more young people choose relationships based on their feelings rather than social norms.
Systemic family psychologist Svetlana Antipova also states that in recent years the number of couples where women are older than men has been increasing. These relationships challenge established stereotypes and demonstrate that happiness and fulfillment do not depend on age.
- The challenges and biases faced by couples with large age differences are gradually being overcome by changing cultural norms and increasing individual freedom. But still, women in unequal marriages face negativity and condemnation, while men in similar relationships can receive praise and approval," says Izvestia's interviewee.
Anna Osipova adds that at the same time, men are no longer in demand as they were a hundred years ago in their original function as providers and protectors of the family. The trend for female independence continues to grow rapidly and significantly affects the happiness of both sexes.
- The function of a man in this world is to be necessary for a woman. And when she can do everything herself, then in this way we are nurturing a generation of infantiles, who will then definitely look for a companion older, wiser, more experienced woman, because there is no need to conquer, surprise and conquer the top, - concludes the matchmaker.
Sexologist and family psychotherapist Maria Kaneva also believes that the reverse side of the MILF phenomenon is related to the unwillingness to take responsibility and infantilization of modern society: it is actually a change from patriarchy to matriarchy. At the same time, women who refuse to give birth still have the need to take care of someone. They sublimate it: they work with other people's children, choose helping professions or get themselves young partners.
The blossoming of femininity
Maria Farber, a psychologist at the corporate well-being platform "I Understand", told Izvestia that nowadays couples with an age difference face different opinions in society:
- As a rule, people 45+ are less flexible on this issue. Among those under 35, the "wow" or "oh horror" effect has long been generally absent, and people under 27-30 might not even discuss the issue and say that this is the norm in modern society.
Answering the question of why a man prefers older women, the expert, in addition to the above reasons, emphasizes several other aspects, including personal growth and self-perception with a partner, as well as sexual compatibility.
- Physiologically, the blossoming of male sexual energy falls on the age of youth, and the peak of sexual activity - at 17-25 years and closer to 40 begins to fade, while the blossoming of femininity and sexuality in women falls just at an older age - 30-40 years, - comments Farber.
Until this age, the fair sex is often squeezed by social boundaries, obligations, child rearing and career aspirations, but when a woman has more personal space, she begins to explore and enjoy her sexuality. Therefore, according to the psychologist, relationships with younger men become a natural choice, as a young partner is able to maintain the drive that a woman's body requests.
Maria Kaneva agrees that older ladies are sexually suited to younger men. Girls up to 26 years experience to the beloved to a greater extent romantic interest with courtship and exploits, while in young men the transition period proceeds with hypersexuality, that is, with the maximum amount of testosterone.
- The true orgasmicity of women and the need for physical intimacy is reached by the age of 30 (this is the stage of mature sexuality, which lasts from 26 to 55 years), when she has already studied her body and her preferences, - argues sexologist.
And the disadvantages will be
The optimal age difference between partners does not exist. In each case, you can find advantages and disadvantages.
According to the statistics of the marriage agency Anna Osipova, a man of 35 years old is ready to consider a woman of the same age and older than himself. A man of 45 chooses a woman 5-10 years younger. A man of 55 considers a woman exclusively younger by 10-15 years, but a man of 65 is ready to consider even a woman of the same age.
- There are many men who request a woman older than themselves, and they are all young. They are all between 30 and 35 years old. In the context of a marriage agency it is difficult to help them, because women do not address such a request at all. They are more focused on social status and common interests. But outside the agency, they are quite capable of finding companions. Will such unions last long? Only time will tell," says the matchmaker.
Alina Ageeva considers sexual compatibility, emotional stability, inspiration and new experience to be the advantages of relationships with such a difference in age.
- A mature woman in the prime of her sexuality and a young man in his physical peak - this is an ideal combination for a rich intimate life. The age of the partner allows you to build a calmer and deeper relationship without unnecessary games. A young partner brings novelty and dynamics to the relationship," emphasizes the expert.
In turn, Svetlana Antipova notes that in such relationships can arise and negative moments.
- Firstly, the couple may be subjected to quite strong social pressure. Society is still inclined to condemn women who choose younger partners, and this can be a source of stress. In addition, there may be a perceived difference in life plans (e.g., starting a family, career). This can cause conflicts, especially if one partner wants children and the other has already gone through this stage," the expert notes.
Despite this, experts agree that every couple is unique and the success of a relationship depends largely on mutual understanding, respect and willingness to work on emerging difficulties.
