Psychologists have explained the reasons for attraction to unavailable partners
Craving for emotionally unavailable partners may be related to both childhood experiences and the way the brain works, which perceives uncertainty as a reward. All the details are in the Izvestia article.
Reasons for choosing an unavailable partner
Choosing an emotionally closed partner is often associated with early experience of relationships with close adults. According to Alexandra Grazhdanov, a psychologist at AST, if a child is faced with unpredictability or the need to deserve attention, they form an idea of love as a process associated with uncertainty and expectation. The brain perceives such scenarios as habitual, which forces a person to look for similar deficient models of intimacy.
Such a choice can serve a protective function, allowing you to avoid deep vulnerability and fear of real intimacy. At the same time, the pattern manifests itself in people with different types of attachment. Anxious individuals seek to prove their worth through the unavailability of another, while the avoidant type uses the partner's distance as a way to avoid being fully involved in the relationship.
"There are often underlying attitudes behind this pattern, such as "love must be earned," or "if I'm really recognized, I'll be rejected," that "intimacy is dangerous," that "my needs are too great," or "I'm not valuable enough for mutual love," she said.
The role of dopamine in relationships
Evgenia Bereza, a clinical psychologist, specialist in psychosomatics and oncopsychology, explains the phenomenon of the "forbidden fruit" through the specifics of the human brain. According to the scarcity effect, people tend to attribute great value to objects that are difficult to obtain. In such cases, the halo effect is activated, when one striking feature of the partner makes you idealize the whole personality, ignoring the real qualities of the person.
The biological basis of such cravings is the work of the dopamine system, which reacts more actively not to a guaranteed reward, but to its probability. The periodic distance and approach of a partner creates emotional swings, causing surges of cortisol and dopamine. This mechanism of variable reinforcement is similar to any addiction, when the expectation of a sign of attention becomes more important than the feelings themselves.
"The dopamine system <...> it reacts very actively not to some kind of guaranteed daily, regular reward, but to the likelihood of a reward," Beryoza emphasized.
The difference between love and addiction
Mature love is characterized by the willingness of both partners to engage in dialogue, responsibility, and reciprocity, rather than the need to constantly earn attention. Birch notes that an alarming signal is a situation where relationships are based only on hope, and not on real actions. An emotionally unavailable partner usually avoids talking about the future, maintaining eternal uncertainty in the union.
In the process of psychotherapy, working with this pattern begins with exploring personal beliefs. The specialist's task is to help a person understand the connection between childhood experiences and current choices, as well as to form a stable sense of self—worth. This allows you to learn how to withstand proximity without feeling threatened and build long-term well-being based on security.
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