Specifically, the bouquet: how to recognize a skater on a date
Rejected in the courtship process, men began to apply the negative definition of "skeet girl" not only to girls who use the sympathies of the stronger sex solely for their own selfish interests. The shameful label is sometimes attached to those who are not related to the pursuit of free treats. Some men who have not been able to achieve reciprocity equate the usual signs of attention to female commercialism — flowers, sweets and dinners in cafes. Izvestia figured out how to draw a clear line between the usual behavior of girls and the techniques typical of manipulators.
Is it possible to calculate the skater
A classic skater is a woman who "spins" a man for money: she just goes on dates to eat at someone else's expense in a good place, and is not looking for a serious relationship, recalls the definition of the term professional matchmaker Anna Osipova. Such a woman monetizes her charms without any obligations.
— When people get to know each other in order to create a relationship, they don't care where the first date takes place, — says the expert. — You can even just take a walk in the park. And the classic skater appoints a man to meet at a particular restaurant, usually an expensive one. It's a matter of principle for her.
For men who suspect that they are simply being used, the Izvestia interlocutor recommends holding a meeting in another place, for example, in a coffee shop. The skater will refuse such an offer, stressing that she does not visit such establishments.
At the same time, Anna Osipova does not advise to put everyone on the same level. If a man chooses a restaurant and wholeheartedly gives gifts, and a woman accepts invitations and presents, this does not automatically make her a skater. In this case, she doesn't specifically ask for anything, doesn't set conditions, and doesn't "roll out" a list of expensive gifts.
—And if suddenly the relationship didn't work out, it doesn't mean that the girl was dating for the sake of flowers and a table in a restaurant,— the matchmaker emphasizes. — It just didn't work out. And there is nothing shameful in the fact that a girl accepts courtship. Our women are already so strong that they can make gifts for themselves and pay for everything.
The expert believes that an emotionally mature man will definitely not write down a girl who accepted an invitation to a restaurant as a plate maker, and the offer to split the bill may even scare him away.
In turn, Candidate of Psychological Sciences Alina Koroleva is convinced that a decent girl can not be afraid of being known as a skater.
— It's still customary for men to pay the bill, and that's great. A man who, after meeting a lady, invites her to a restaurant and buys flowers, must initially calculate his financial capabilities," the expert continues.
For a woman who is committed to a serious relationship, it is important that she can financially rely on her life partner when giving birth to a child. And signs of attention are one of the signs that a man is capable of this, explains the psychologist.
How to avoid communicating with unpleasant people
Just as there are men who engage in pickup to satisfy their ego, there are also women who want to receive material benefits from fans without giving anything in return, says Alina Koroleva. But you can still understand who is in front of you.
— When people, for example, get to know each other on a website, the preliminary recognition occurs in correspondence. Already at this level, many important aspects can be clarified," says the interlocutor of Izvestia. — And a first date at a restaurant looks quite logical: at such a stop it is convenient to chat and get to know each other better.
In order not to suffer from a skeet girl, psychologist Yuri Kudryavtsev advises men to "turn on their heads" when meeting a girl. On a date, representatives of the stronger sex may be in an "altered" state due to falling in love and an influx of hormones, when critical thinking fades into the background.
— Therefore, in order to notice the catch, we must try to pay attention not only to the appearance, but also to the behavior of the girl, — suggests the specialist. — If her attention and actions are not aimed at you, but are fixed on something else (the choice of dishes or surroundings), then you may suspect a selfish interest.
The psychologist also advises you to listen to your own feelings — it should be comfortable and cozy next to a person. If a girl communicates openly and kindly, is genuinely interested in a man, then he is clearly important to her, and not the opportunity to benefit from going to a restaurant.
— A decent woman goes on a date with a man, not with food. Therefore, she will show interest in her companion and look at how much attention he shows towards her," Yuri Kudryavtsev is convinced.
According to Alina Koroleva, first of all, a man should be alerted by the incongruity (inconsistency) of facial expressions with what a girl says and how she reacts to communication. So you can understand what the lady is most interested in — the person himself or his food.
To continue the acquaintance, the candidate of psychological sciences recommends holding the next meeting in a different format, including without financial costs. And focus your attention on something that may be of common interest to both partners. A mercantile woman will express dissatisfaction with this option and refuse to meet. And if you ask her what she would like, then, most likely, her financial appetites will increase, the expert believes.
Meanwhile, from Anna Osipova's point of view, on the first three dates, when people are just getting to know each other, you should not present expensive gifts so as not to be disappointed. It makes sense only when a woman has gained value in the eyes of a man, and the relationship has developed. However, we are talking about expensive gifts, and not about the usual signs of attention.
— Bouquets or trips to the cinema are not obligatory, as it is a familiar ritual accepted in society to create a pleasant and diverse environment, — confirms Yuri Kudryavtsev.
He emphasizes that usually a man understands perfectly well that a relationship may not work out. Many people treat possible meetings in advance as a pleasant pastime and enjoy socializing. But not everyone reacts this way.
— In fact, any refusal to continue a relationship can be perceived as an insult. And a man may have a feeling that "he was used," even if this reaction does not correspond to reality, the expert argues. — Not everyone can understand psychology and recognize manipulation.
A girl who accepts attentions for a long time, gives hope for the continuation of a relationship, but does not promise anything concrete, may fall under "suspicion". You don't need to talk for a year to figure out if people are right for each other.
— Usually, it takes several meetings to get to know a person from different angles. Preferably in different locations and in different situations, up to critical ones, when, for example, a woman turns to a man for help," the psychologist explains. — An honest girl will not give false hopes for months. It's more like manipulation.
What kind of men do women use
According to Anna Osipova, respectable men of mature age usually fall into the trap of skeet girls, who, when choosing a partner, are focused on a specific type — a girl with a model appearance much younger than themselves.
— At the same time, they naively hope that the girl will not be mercantile. And they are being promoted, actually selling their youth and beauty. Short-sighted men are unlucky who do not distinguish between the real and the artificial. It is the "sharpening" of a man for an external type that plays a cruel joke with them, warns the matchmaker.
For girls who are afraid of being known as skater girls and do not know how to behave on first dates, Alina Koroleva advises not to be afraid of possible insults. Rude behavior of a man will help to make a final choice. If a man accuses a woman of being mercantile at the very beginning of dating, then most likely this is his habitual style of interacting with people. Such a man will constantly shift the blame to others, tyrannize over his woman. And then a logical question arises: "Is it needed at all?"
Yuri Kudryavtsev once again emphasizes that labeling a girl as a "skater" just because she accepted flowers or went to a restaurant is at least stupid, since this is a normal courtship scenario. And women, as a rule, almost immediately understand whether this man is suitable for her or not.
It should be borne in mind that men who complain about the commercialism of women for no reason often turn out to be financially insolvent or unable to spend their money rationally, adds Alina Koroleva.
— Instead of painfully sorting out girls and their requests, you should spend exactly as much on dates as you don't regret in any event, — the psychologist recommends.
Who would make a good wife
Most often, a frivolous attitude towards dating is typical for young girls who act, as they say, "for fun." But sooner or later, skater girls will also have to create a family, hoping for a serious relationship.
— Will a mercantile girl make a good wife? If this pattern of behavior persists in life, then such ladies will continue to manipulate men and suck all the juices out of them, there can be no question of normal family relations," emphasizes Yuri Kudryavtsev. — Harmonious and happy relationships are built on a foundation of moral values.
A really good wife from such a girl can turn out in one case — if she reviews her values and independently compensates for the deficit of her finances, Alina Koroleva is convinced. If the skeet girls continue to live as before, they will not have a happy future, warns Anna Osipova.
"And I wouldn't be surprised if blacklists of these skeet girls will appear soon, with photos and warnings," the matchmaker sums up.
Переведено сервисом «Яндекс Переводчик»
