Childhood in the top: where did the fashion for the inner child come from
The psychological term "inner child" is gaining popularity among non-professionals. Adults most often use this definition when they want to justify their selfishness and infantilism. From their point of view, it is necessary to pamper your inner child, because they suffered from their parents in childhood and now it's time to correct the mistakes of their elders. What is Eric Bern's concept, why adults misinterpret the psychological term, and whether it is necessary to delve into the past — in the Izvestia material.
The Triple Alliance
The concept of three ego states of personality (parent, adult, child) was developed by psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Bern. Specialists need this method for therapy: the concept helps to understand the details of human behavior and the peculiarities of his communication with other people. The terms "parent" and "adult" remained within the framework of the concept, but the "inner child", as they say, has gone to the people.
According to Tatyana Meteleva, a clinical psychologist and head of the rehabilitation program at the Dr. Isaev Clinic, many people are really talking about the inner child now, sometimes not really understanding the meaning of this term. And because of the wrong interpretation, problems begin.
Olga Shcherbakova, the head of the Druzhina youth movement and a medical psychologist, emphasizes that the inner child is a metaphor that implies the experience gained in childhood. When we grow up, a childish part of our personality remains inside us, which dreams, rejoices, plays and wants to achieve something.
— The inner child is our basic needs and relationships that developed during adulthood. This is how we were raised, what we wanted and what we thought about. In short, the whole conscious and unconscious childhood experience. Most often, even at the household level, when talking about the inner child, they mean everything that is related specifically to the sphere of desires, needs, and even resentments that have been suppressed since childhood, says Olga Shcherbakova.
According to the expert, sometimes the interpretation of the term by a person who does not have a specialized education is correct, and sometimes people are mistaken.
— The task of any child is to develop, grow up and become an adult, ideally also a parent, but above all an adult, — explains Tatiana Meteleva. — Therefore, when we talk about the inner child, it is important to understand that we are not talking about any individual, but about a metaphor and part of our mental structure. It contains children's emotions, desires, experiences, traumas, joys, creativity, spontaneity, vulnerability — all that is inherent in a child until he grows up. This part of us continues to influence some adult reactions, fears, and behaviors.
Since the needs of the inner child do not disappear anywhere, it is very important to hear this child's voice inside yourself. Olga Shcherbakova emphasizes that at the same time, people should relate their "wishlist" to reality, assessing when and to what extent it is possible to follow their desires. The inner parent and adult are responsible for a reasonable approach, and in such a way that there is no bias towards irresponsibility, inability to make decisions, or immature emotional reactions. When childhood gets out of control, difficulties can arise in work, relationships, and other areas of life. However, the inner adult and parent should not "tighten the screws" indefinitely.
— If we do not hear the needs of the inner child at all, then depression and apathy arise, and a person lives under the mottos of "must" and "must." Accordingly, he has difficulties with vital energy and professional realization, with creativity, and so on. Therefore, skewing in any direction in this situation is not good for a person, warns Olga Shcherbakova.
Why did psychology terms become fashionable?
According to the clinical psychologist, Eric Bern's idea of the three parts of personality has developed independently beyond transactional analysis and has become popular because the cultural paradigm has changed. Previously, according to the expert, the emphasis was on survival and social adaptation: you had to control yourself, control your reaction, not cry, not get upset.
— When the elders saw us crying, they said, "Don't cry, don't get upset, everything will be fine." That is, the task was to get together, survive, and not let loose emotions. Gradually, as psychological knowledge began to spread, people began to understand that connecting with their emotions, recognizing them, and legalizing them is important," Tatiana Meteleva analyzes.
The expert notes that by constantly suppressing their feelings, a person becomes unhappy. Therefore, people, including through appealing to the idea of an inner child, began to legalize those emotions that were previously allowed only to children, but were considered abnormal for an adult.
— At the same time, it is very important to see the difference between the words "indulge" and "care." Taking care of the inner child means acknowledging the existence of your feelings and giving yourself the opportunity to legitimize these feelings, console yourself, or ask for support," Tatiana Meteleva believes.
The clinical psychologist emphasizes that this behavior is not about doing whatever you want and not forbidding yourself. There is still the identity of the parent inside, and she must set safe boundaries while taking care of her child. And that mature and rational part of the personality, which psychologists call the inner adult, makes decisions based on facts, not on childhood fears or fleeting emotions. This adult analyzes and weighs the pros and cons, makes decisions, negotiates, takes responsibility, and predicts the results of possible actions. He hears the needs of the child, takes them into account, but at the same time uses the healthy part of the inner parent for self-support and setting reasonable boundaries.
— Perhaps this is the most important thing: the personality system is harmonious only when the inner adult is at the helm. It's not a child who rules, but an adult," the clinical psychologist summarizes.
Parents are not to blame
According to Tatiana Meteleva, the concept of "inner child" is beginning to be used as an excuse for infantilism, the inability to take responsibility for their actions. Sometimes it just turns into blaming the parents as an end in itself. People get stuck at the stage of "Look what my parents did to me," the expert clarifies.
In this regard, the clinical psychologist recalls a phrase attributed to Freud: "We are not responsible for what our parents did to us, but we are fully responsible for what we do with what our parents did."
— Parental guilt becomes a very convenient explanation for all problems. It is as if she removes responsibility from a person for his life today. This is where black-and-white thinking begins.: since I have an injury, it means that my childhood was terrible, my parents are monsters, and now I have to take care of my inner child, I can't work and I can't be responsible for anything if I don't want to," explains Tatiana Meteleva.
The clinical psychologist calls the ethically difficult question of whether parents are to blame for their children's failures. According to the expert, mom and dad, of course, have a huge impact on the formation of children's personality — on their attachment patterns, self-esteem, ways of interacting with the world, survival and adaptation strategies. But there is also the influence of the environment, peers, schools, teachers, and other significant adults.
— But responsibility is about parents: responsibility for setting boundaries, frameworks, and ensuring the safety of the child. And here, too, there is often confusion. For example, a person grows up and says, "As a child, I had very strict boundaries, I was not allowed to do much." And he blames it on his parents. It is clear that excessive rigidity is not the best option. But borders are necessary in themselves, because this is a form of caring, a manifestation of responsibility," explains Tatiana Meteleva.
The expert emphasizes that adults often set quite understandable rules and frameworks that need to be followed. And although it's not always comfortable for a child, it's part of normal development.
— If we talk about cases when the influence of parents can really be considered negative, then this is, first of all, emotional neglect, ignoring the child's feelings, when his emotions are not recognized or devalued. This is conditional love, when a child is loved only by the "good": successful, comfortable, obedient. These are excessive, inadequate demands, inflated expectations, constant criticism without support," Tatiana Meteleva lists.
The clinical psychologist also refers to the violation of personal boundaries: overprotection, hypercontrol, and even total control, which is now very common. Another urgent problem is shifting responsibility to a minor when a child is forced to solve adult problems.
— It's normal if a child, for example, picks up a younger brother from kindergarten. This is participation and caring. And shifting responsibility is when a child becomes involved in parental conflicts, emotionally supports his mother or father, and takes on the functions of an adult in an emotional sense. These are exactly the situations that cannot be called conducive to the development of a harmonious personality," the clinical psychologist comments.
It makes sense to talk about such things as parental mistakes or negative influences, the expert emphasizes.
Is it necessary to dig into the past
Constant digging into children's grievances and complaints from a deprived child about villainous parents will not lead to anything good. According to Tatiana Meteleva, endless chewing over the past, getting stuck in resentments and looking for the guilty is the way to infantilism. But analyzing the past is important in therapeutic work with a professional.
— Many people still think that a psychotherapist is a person who just picks at childhood traumas. In fact, the goal of therapy is completely different — to help a person take responsibility for their life. This is not about digging, but about moving forward," comments Tatiana Meteleva.
In the professional language of psychologists, the condition when a person gets stuck in the past and returns to the same pain without taking steps to understand and change is called rumination. In this case, he remains in the victim's position, receiving so-called secondary benefits from his position: extraneous attention, justification for his inaction, emotional release. As a result, infantilization occurs.
— Therapy is a process aimed at the future. It begins with the recognition of "Yes, it was" and living the feelings here and now, with an understanding of what exactly was happening. Then there is a reassessment, when a person learns to look at some events through the eyes of an adult, to understand the motives of parents. Most of the time, their actions were motivated by love and a desire for everything to be okay, even if expressed unsuccessfully," continues Tatiana Meteleva.
The goal of therapy is not to remain in childish resentment, but to grow out of it. If you don't have enough money to communicate with a specialist, then a clinical psychologist recommends taking good, full-fledged books instead of blogs and posts on social networks as self-education.
— You can also watch webinars, take available courses, and participate in support groups online or offline. It's important not to lock yourself in. Mindfulness practices, meditation, keeping a diary of feelings, and creative forms of self-expression also help. There are many ways, and many of them are quite accessible for free or with minimal financial investments," comments Meteleva.
Pampering your inner child is also important, but experts recommend doing it in an adult way, from the perspective of a caring and reasonable parent.
"It means giving yourself the right to feelings, listening to them, being attentive to your desires and needs," explains Meteleva. — Allow yourself joy, spontaneity, relaxation, pleasure. But at the same time, maintain the boundaries of your safety, include critical thinking, the ability to predict, and a sober assessment of the consequences. That is, to act as carefully and reasonably as possible — in your own interests. This is healthy pampering of the inner child.
A clinical psychologist considers communication with children to be one of the most important points. You can play with them, listen to them, stay close, go to the park, circus or zoo together, and watch cartoons together. "All this allows you to revive the part of yourself that is able to rejoice, play, be alive, but at the same time not lose the adult part that knows the measure and cares about safety. Respecting one's desires, feelings, and emotions involves healthy, mature attention to one's inner child," concludes Meteleva.
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