Grief on the air: How grief became a collective ritual on social media
Social media is becoming not only a place for entertaining videos, but also a platform for public expression of grief. Videos, stories about dead loved ones, and stories of personal loss were somehow found by every user. How social networks have changed the culture of experiencing loss, whether this affects its perception and how effective such a practice is in principle, is described in the Izvestia material.
Grief changing the culture of social media
Grief is always immense, and there is nothing surprising in the fact that social networks have become a space for a collective ritual of grieving, becoming a place for numerous stories about personal pain. This is also due to the desire of people to form their own communities, including by uniting during the experience of loss and grief.
Natalia Konstantinova, a psychologist at the I Understand corporate well-being platform, also notes that in recent years, for many people, social media presence has become a natural way to experience pain.
— Words and visual images help to organize complex emotions, and the reaction of friends and followers gives a sense of support. Where traditional rituals such as commemorations, conversations with loved ones, or prayer seem insufficient, online space becomes an additional "place of memory," the psychologist said.
Damir Feyzullov, Director of SMM and ORM at the PR Partner communications agency, said that digital forms of grief differ from traditional ones: they are public, often impulsive, visual and subject to audience reactions, while talking to a loved one or praying is intimate. A post on social media is both a confession and a speech.
According to him, social media is radically changing the culture of grief. Grief becomes not a private experience, but a collective one.
— We can say that we are witnessing the birth of new rituals: instead of commemorations, there are posts with photos, instead of condolences, there are comments and emojis. This is neither good nor bad — it's just a new language of emotions, for which there is no ethical code yet," explained Damir Feyzullov.
According to him, people are trying to find words, images, and "rhythms" to sort out the internal chaos. This is an attempt to shape emotions, which means gaining at least a little control over them, but there is also a danger: the "contextualization" of grief can blur the line between a genuine experience and its representation.
— Not everyone is ready for the constant consumption of someone else's pain, and this creates emotional fatigue — such a digital "secondary mourning". The constant presence of death in the tape creates a background of anxiety and burnout. But if you want to share your grief, the main thing is not to adjust yourself to the format, you don't need to make perfect videos or look for the "right" words, advises Damir Feyzullov. — Your post doesn't have to be content. It can be a step towards acceptance rather than likes. Do this primarily for your own sake, not for the sake of the algorithm.
From personal experience to collective ritual
Psychologist Irina Sevryukova noted that the digitalization of grief is a complex phenomenon and an ambiguous process.
— Social media transforms grief from deeply personal to spontaneous and public. This is a new ritual that complements the traditional ways. It's important for people to know, "I'm not the only one who's like this," and they're looking for confirmation online. Many people build hype on this, realizing that quiet happiness will not surprise anyone, and the story of overcoming pain finds a great response," admits the Izvestia interlocutor.
Natalia Konstantinova added that the main difference between a digital ritual and a traditional one is in publicity. If earlier grief was more often left in personal or family history, now it is becoming open and accessible to a wide audience. This creates new forms of collective empathy when thousands of strangers write words of support.
— We still have strong traditional rituals: commemorations, anniversaries, trips to the cemetery. The circle of family and close friends is important in them, so public grief is perceived ambiguously: someone sees it as a necessary modern way to share the pain, and someone sees it as an unnecessary demonstration, says Sevryukova.
Maria Bodryagina, a clinical and psychoanalytic psychologist at Dr. Isaev's Clinic, noted: social media is really fundamentally changing the landscape of experiencing grief. They democratize grief — now it can be expressed by anyone and in any way, without regard to traditional hierarchies and formal rituals.
According to her, a post or short video does not so much replace the commemoration, but rather complements it, creating a continuous space for memory.
— If traditional rituals have a clear time and geographical framework, then the digital ritual is permanent. The page of the deceased becomes an eternal monument, a place where you can "come" at any moment. This changes the very temporality of grief: it does not end, but becomes a permanent background to which you can return," the expert emphasized.
At the same time, the social media feed turns into a continuous stream of other people's tragedies: death, illness, loss. The human psyche is not adapted to such an amount of empathy and grief, which causes the effect of "compassionate fatigue": At first, a person empathizes, but over time, emotions become blunted and someone else's pain may begin to be perceived simply as another piece of content, which leads to emotional alienation and burnout, Maria Bodryagina added.
The dangerous publicity effect
Natalia Konstantinova noted that there is another side to the digital experience of loss. Algorithms are designed so that strong emotions receive more attention, which means they are highlighted more.
Posts about the loss begin to spread actively, causing an avalanche of responses. As a result, a person finds himself in a paradoxical situation: on the one hand, he receives sympathy, on the other, he is forced to return to pain again and again, review videos, reread comments, which means that re—traumatization occurs.
Irina Sevryukova said that when a person is grieving "in himself", he cannot go through a crisis, and the process of speaking helps him to understand and accept what is happening, but on the one hand, speaking is part of healing, and on the other hand, the need to constantly relive emotions in order to formalize them in a given video sequence., may lead to retraumatization.
— Public grief is a double—edged sword. It can become a bridge to support and healing, but it can also lead to new trauma. The key is to make an informed choice and balance between public support and private, safe living of one's feelings," the expert notes.
According to her, the main rule is to realize your vulnerability and be aware of your digital footprint, because human grief will remain online forever. She advised to be prepared for the fact that over the years this post may remind you of the pain with unexpected force.
— Trust your hardest feelings not to an algorithm, but to a living person or a personal diary. A diary or a psychologist is a private space for the whole gamut of feelings, and a social network is a public stage where the unspoken expectation of "liked" content can unwittingly prompt simulation or intensification of drama, — Irina Sevryukova noted.
Maria Bodryagina explained that grief requires time and non-linearity. Emotions come in waves: today a person may cry, tomorrow they may feel numb, the day after tomorrow they may remember something bright - and the need to constantly "shape" their grief into formatted, often creative content can disrupt this natural rhythm.
— A person doesn't live a feeling so much as he prepares it for demonstration: he looks for the best angle, filter, music, formulates a concise signature. This requires the mobilization of mental resources and can lead to intellectualization and alienation from one's own emotions. Instead of immersing ourselves in the experience, we begin to "curate" it. This can slow down the healing process," Bodryagina said.
She advised asking yourself a question before posting a post: "Why am I doing this? Am I looking for support or am I waiting for approval?" because an honest answer will help you make an informed decision. According to her, it is better to share your innermost feelings not with all your subscribers, but with your loved ones by creating a closed group or a list of "trusted people."
Ruslan Getmanets, project manager of the ORM department of the Interium digital agency, advises, in principle, not to share personal losses on social networks. According to him, the Internet remembers everything, and publications can attract not only attention and sympathy, but also a negative reaction, as well as make the author a target for scammers.
It is important to remember that even if the publication is deleted, the information can be found using special technologies. Hetmanets reminds that the policy of over-openness carries risks for reputation: someone will support, someone will pass by, and someone will take advantage.
— It is not customary to talk openly about this topic, nevertheless, this is life. Everything personal should remain personal. Don't show your weaknesses on social media. Contact your family, friends, anyone. The less people know about your weaknesses, the more difficult it is to manipulate you," he stressed.
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