Open the window: what to do if a loved one turns out to be stuffy
No one likes so—called stuffy, boring people without a sense of humor. They lecture me endlessly and give me advice when I'm not asking for it. There are so many of these people that they have organized their own club, writes The Guardian. Who are the stuffers, how do they differ from the bores, and whether it is possible to build close relationships with them — in the Izvestia article.
Toxic and boring
The term "strangle" appeared relatively recently, it has gained popularity since about 2010, Anna Guseva, a practicing psychologist, explained to Izvestia.
— But it should be clearly understood that this feature of character and behavior has always been there, — says Guseva. — We used to call such people "grouchy", "boring" and even "energy vampire". From the point of view of society, dushnila is a toxic person, a know—it-all.
Clinical psychologist, psychosomatologist Sergey Volkov emphasizes that when calling people stuffy or boring, they talk about behavior that causes others to feel irritated, boredom, and pressure, restrictions, and moral discomfort from communication. Moreover, the scoundrels themselves rarely realize that they act that way.
— The terms "stuffy" and "boring" often overlap, but it's still worth distinguishing them. "Tediousness" is behavior characterized by such actions as annoying detail, strict adherence to protocol, and pedantry. And "stuffiness" is primarily emotional pressure and discomfort, as in a monotonous lecture or meeting where a colleague describes a routine issue for too long," explains Volkov.
Among the reasons that force people to "stifle", Volkov cites the need for security and control. When such a person experiences anxiety and insecurity about himself, his environment, or his relationships, he will seek to control everything and everyone. "Stuffiness" manifests itself in excessive care, advice, and obsession, whereas ordinary bores will simply demand to strictly follow the rules: check your ticket, passport, "sit down on the path", call from the airport, send a text message from the plane, make a "circle" from the hotel.
— Separately, it is worth highlighting the fear of error, in which a person may obsess over details and be boring in order to reduce the risk of failure. And if failure does not depend on him, then he will be "smothered" with advice so that you do not make a mistake," continues Volkov.
From Guseva's point of view, you can't put an equal sign between a perfectionist and a scumbag either.
— A perfectionist is, after all, first of all a person who, unlike dushnila, critically evaluates his own actions, and not the behavior of other people, — explains Anna Guseva. — The perfectionist's expectations are overestimated or even simply unrealistic in relation to himself. He has no confidence in himself. A perfectionist believes that other people are perfect, not himself.
Sergey Volkov explains that souls are also characterized by low self-esteem, but they raise it in the most unhealthy ways — through tedious nagging and criticism.
Raise self-esteem
From the point of view of a clinical psychologist, people are forced to stifle underdeveloped social skills. If a person has a low level of empathy, then they may simply not notice or understand the other person's nonverbal signals, for example, that the other person is bored listening to boring maxims or they are already annoyed by someone else's verbosity.
— Dushnils often believe that their advice is very important and necessary for people — this is their kind of caring, — explains Sergey Volkov. — These people with well-formed opinions and having extensive experience in some area of life, sometimes do not notice the experience of others. They are not conducting a dialogue, but a monologue, not noticing other people's opinions.
Sometimes "stuffy" behavior is an attempt to gain recognition. These people, compensating for their feelings of inferiority, tediously demonstrate their superiority in some topic. They hope to show their need and importance in the life of another, impose their competence and thus compensate for the need for attention, says Volkov.
According to the expert, fear of change and the so—called rigidity of thinking are characteristic of human souls - lack of flexibility, fear of change. People with this type of nervous system rely on procedures and rules and get bored because they are afraid of life in all its diversity. Or they try to predict even the most unobvious options — this helps to reduce anxiety from the unknown.
— They are characterized by conservatism. Scumbags often mumble that they don't like the new rules and "it used to be better," comments Sergey Volkov.
A realist and a truth-lover
Anna Guseva considers the habit of constantly complaining to be the main sign of dushnila — he is always unlucky, misfortunes rain down on him without a break.
— And if you are an empath, a very impressionable person, then you need to build boundaries with such a person, otherwise after a while you will not only feel stuffy, but also feel as if you share his point of view. — the expert warns. — This is facilitated by the mirror neural connection: we involuntarily repeat the actions of others. Therefore, the question is not even how the shower behaves, but how you react to it.
The psychologist emphasizes that it is not so often possible to meet a pronounced stuffy — each of us from time to time can sin this feature of behavior himself. And it's not terrible if a person is within the boundaries of ethical norms, and critical thinking helps to notice mistakes.
"Sometimes the souls are called realists and truth—seekers,— Guseva continues. — They want to take off the rose-colored glasses from others, but the question is, does the other person need it? Perhaps these "glasses" are protection from any worries or problems. It is impossible to cross a line in communication that should not be violated.
A colleague, a relative, or just a consultant in a store or a passerby on the street who insistently wants to help you with something can be stuffy. However, it is most difficult for those who live with toxic bores under the same roof. Professional matchmaker Anna Osipova believes that it is not always possible to figure out the stranglehold on acquaintance right away, but according to some signs it is quite realistic to do so. The red marker in their case is unsolicited advice, imposition of their own point of view, nitpicking over small things, demonstrative behavior, complaints about life, monotonous boring stories, inability to admit mistakes, control in the form of overprotection, a tendency to conflict.
— We also call people with a set of qualities such as tediousness, pickiness, criticality, lack of flexibility and a sense of humor stuffy. All this pushes them away. Souls always have a glass half empty, and the world is a priori hostile and angry towards them," explains Anna Osipova.
It is extremely difficult to live with such a person. The matchmaker advises to strain yourself by setting your boundaries, to avoid lengthy conversations, to transfer boring, exhausting conversation to other, more positive topics and not to maintain conflicts.
— You can love a stuffy person only if all his "stuffy" features overlap with some other, very good qualities, — comments Anna Osipova.
The matchmaker believes that if a person understands that he is suffocating and allows a partner to help him get rid of this "role" of the role, then it is possible to help him if desired. According to Anna Osipova, deep down, dushnila is an insecure, frightened child who defends himself from the big unpredictable world in this way.
— To live or not to live with dushnila, everyone decides for themselves. But if you are not a lifeguard by nature, then the relationship is unlikely to work out, says the matchmaker. — In any case, I recommend treating them with kindness and empathy, because we must understand that "stuffiness" is their mask. If you cherish this person, then love will save the world.
Nevertheless, the clinical psychologist believes that loneliness and isolation are most often the lot of sufferers.
— People living in social isolation do not have the proper level of social contact skills, — complains Volkov. — And they start to "stifle", making clumsy attempts to establish communication. But most of the time their range of interests is very limited, so they can endlessly discuss the same topic.
Complaints and advice
When dushnil crosses the line, you can hear unpleasant hints and barbs from him, warns Guseva. Most often, such a person has no sense of humor, and this makes the situation worse. If you understand that the center of his attention is always his own experiences and problems, then you need to "open the window" in time, before the toxic "smoke" of lectures poisons your mood and affects your self-esteem. The psychologist advises telling dushnila, "I appreciate your advice, but it's important for me to solve this on my own." Or change the conversation from a "stuffy" topic (for example, complaints) to something else, more positive.
— It is possible and necessary to walk away from the conversation if you feel that the conversation is dragging on, and the stuffy person does not give up. Say, "I'm sorry, I have things to do." And don't make excuses in any case," says Anna Guseva. — If this does not work out, and you are in a close relationship, then the situation may go into conflict.
Clarifying the relationship will lead to nothing, because in this case, the person is already living with a specific thought and is unlikely to give it up.
Sergey Volkov recommends that those who have to communicate with bullies often learn how to stop such people harshly, but culturally and tactfully.
— But at the same time, you don't need to make them feel guilty or inferior — call them "stuffy", boring, stupid, boring, or say that the topic is stupid and not interesting. A saving phrase can be constructed like this: "I'm sorry, I'll stop you. I understand what you wanted to say, let's move on to..." and suggest another topic," suggests Volkov.
But if it seems to a person that there are only "stuffy" people around him, then Anna Guseva advises to find out if he is suffocating himself, since such things are often attracted to such things.
— Assess whether you are experiencing any hidden anxiety or anger towards other people, whether you are trying to express it. Do you put yourself in the other person's shoes? In order not to become stuffy, it is important to develop empathy — empathy and empathy," the psychologist comments.
It happens that people become stuffy "because" of their lifestyle.
— A certain range of professions, such as accountants or operators of explosive equipment, requires extreme accuracy and strict compliance with regulations. These people get used to this way of thinking and behaving, projecting it onto all spheres of life," says Sergey Volkov.
But you can also get positive moments in communicating with the soullings. According to Anna Guseva, their advantage is that they are not hypocritical, do not adjust, and speak directly about their shortcomings. And if dushnila keeps himself within certain limits, then you can listen to his advice, because criticism helps to look at yourself from the outside.
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