Marry a schemer: how not to make mistakes on personal acquaintance
Even the authorities drew attention to the need to minimize risks when establishing a personal life. State Duma deputies have taken the initiative to make a note of criminal records in dating apps. Ignorance and excessive gullibility sometimes cost potential brides and grooms dearly, and sometimes even cost their lives. Izvestia figured out how to understand that a person has problems with the law, determine by eye the presence of bad habits and distinguish a married man from a bachelor.
How scammers operate
Daria Serebryakova, a clinical psychologist and deputy head of the rehabilitation program at Dr. Isaev's Clinic, believes that a tool with which you can get information about a person is necessary to protect yourself when it comes to the prospect of a close relationship. According to the expert, dating scams have become more frequent recently.
— We are talking about the so—called thugs - people who conceal a criminal past, and sometimes it is very serious. Often such people cannot find a job, but they need to live somehow. Sometimes they enter into a relationship just for the sake of survival — to get a roof over their heads, support and money," says Daria Serebryakova.
While there is no such tool, there remains the risk of making a mistake when choosing a companion or a life partner. Meanwhile, Sergey Volkov, a clinical psychologist, sexologist, and psychosomatologist, believes that it is quite possible to understand whether a potential partner has mental or legal problems.
For example, normally a person has smooth movements, he keeps eye contact, breathes freely, is stable in emotions and does not try to "shrink" his body, the psychosomatologist notes. It is very important to pay attention to humor and jokes.
— A person jokes about topics that are important to them. A doctor talks about patients, a car mechanic talks about cars, and people with problems talk about alcohol or drugs. It is not accepted to talk about some of your addictions directly in our society, but jokes are a safe opportunity to "present yourself" without condemnation, explains the psychosomatologist.
Daria Serebryakova advises to pay attention to inconsistencies in words. For example, a person mentioned that he has three higher educations, but cannot name exactly which ones.
— Such people often say: "I don't like to talk about myself," "I don't like it when people dig into me." This is a protection against inconvenient questions. An insincere person avoids answering, asks counter—questions: "Why do you need this?", "Why are you asking?", - Serebryakova warns.
From the point of view of the interlocutor, you should be wary if a new acquaintance gets annoyed when asked a neutral question, for example: "What do you do?"
— It happens that a person reacts too sharply if, for example, you are late for a date — raises his voice, starts accusing. This behavior may be an accentuation, a character trait that is within the clinical norm. But not only that. Sometimes it indicates the presence of disorders: organic, bipolar, borderline, warns Daria Serebryakova.
In any case, experts advise you to look closely at even the smallest details. If something in the behavior of a new acquaintance seems unnatural, then you should not justify it with possible fatigue or shyness. It's better to focus on whether you like what's happening or not.
Married or single
To understand whether a person is free or bound by the bonds of Hymen, it is enough to ask him a direct question. The sexologist believes that this is quite decent and acceptable within the framework of romantic dating.
— If the other person looks away, changes the subject of the conversation, or blurts you out, this is a sure sign that they are not ready to give you a direct answer. And here it is quite appropriate to clarify what is so difficult about this topic? This is also a manifestation of tact, and defending one's interests," suggests Sergey Volkov.
Such reactions may also relate to shame or fear, if, for example, a person has had or is going through a difficult divorce, the expert adds.
— Monitor the behavior of a potential partner. If he (or she) does not respond on weekends, and appears online only after midnight, then it is worth considering what this lifestyle is related to? The same applies to secrecy and financial problems," warns Volkov. — Any doubts should be rechecked with a direct question. And if a person doesn't engage in such a dialogue, do you even need a relationship that starts with difficulties?
A person with addiction does not immediately reveal his true nature — he can be charming, bright, emotional, and then abruptly disappears, cancels meetings, changes plans.
— It is precisely this behavior that is associated with the use of psychoactive substances. These people have a disturbed sleep pattern, they may not respond to messages and calls, and then explain this by "fatigue", "overworking". But in reality, these are signs of use," comments Daria Serebryakova.
Body language
If you are careful and do not idealize a potential partner, then you can understand what he really is — deceiving or behaving naturally. According to Volkov, in psychology there is such a thing as congruence, that is, the correspondence of what a person says and feels to how he behaves.
— Pursed lips, eyes on the floor, hands clamped between hips, shoulders slumped limply — can such a person be, for example, a CEO? And if he wants to deceive, he tries to be like the image he draws in his head," says Sergey Volkov.
The person seems to freeze, and this temporarily gives him a sense of strength, creates the illusion of self-confidence. Any unnatural condition is always expressed in muscle tension, the expert emphasizes. But people can't pretend for long.
— This is the basis of neurology. It is impossible, for example, to stand in a pose with your head held high and at the same time internally feel sorry for yourself. Such moments cannot be controlled consciously. People who lie differ in their posture and words. Only professional actors can get used to the role to the level of facial expressions and micromimics. Ordinary people have a very limited set of poses, gestures, and phrases," explains Volkov.
The inner state of a person is bound to be revealed by unconscious movements — he wrings his fingers, twists a pen, gestures too animatedly during a conversation.
— Small neurotic movements allow you not to feel anxious, but they catch the eye of other people. For example, it seems to your interlocutor that she is talking about her successes, and you notice how she nervously crumples her napkin. And if there are no strong emotions in the moment, then something is wrong with her story," warns Volkov.
Daria Serebryakova also draws attention to the fact that people pause and lose their way when they lie. The liar's mouth goes dry, he licks his lips and blinks too often, and instead of accurate answers, he goes into lengthy arguments.
A clinical psychologist advises relying on intuition — it will tell you when "something is wrong," even if we have not yet understood anything logically.
Abuser, gaslighter, psychopath
The fashionable terms "narcissist", "gaslighter" and "abuser" frighten modern girls more than other negative qualities, but not everyone is able to understand that the choice fell on just such a person.
— You need to notice the other person's reactions to your "no". A healthy person always perceives rejection not as a confrontation, but as information about you and your values and respects your reaction. And next time he will take this communication experience into account. The aggressors will challenge your displeasure or refusal, trying to prove that they are good, and your "no" is wrong," explains Sergey Volkov.
The expert considers any kind of obsession to be direct disrespect. For example, they order a dish for you in a restaurant, even if you don't like it. Or, without permission, they advise you on how best to behave in the situation you described. Or, despite the warning that it's time for you to leave, the person says, "We're sitting well, let's go home later."
— All forms of psychological violence appeal to either conscience or duty. For example: "This is such an expensive restaurant, let me know another time." Or: "A real man should call a taxi for a woman," suggests Sergey Volkov.
People who are called narcissists make a very vivid impression at the initial stage of dating, but most often they are engaged in self-promotion.
— The narcissist will actively talk about himself, describe how good, interesting, and successful he is. It is important for him to be admired. He's waiting for praise. And if he doesn't get it, he can devalue the interlocutor. Frequent phrases of a narcissist and a gaslighter : "You just don't understand," "You're too sensitive," "You're turning everything upside down," warns Daria Serebryakova.
In turn, the abuser immediately shows a lot of attention, quickly gets closer to the partner, wants to know everything about him, and then control is replaced by distance, ignoring and deliberate silence. These are the "swings" peculiar to the abuser, the expert emphasizes.
How to secure an acquaintance
Sergey Volkov warns: you can't make dates or agree to meet in deserted places — it's a matter of common sense and safety.
— Ask your friends or relatives to call you 20-30 minutes after the start of the date and inform you about any emergency. For example, let them say that your cat has injured its paw. If the date is going in the wrong direction or the person scares you, then leave under the pretext of this story," suggests Sergey Volkov.
If communication has already begun, and you did not immediately realize that the person is dangerous, you need to act even more carefully.
— Do not cut off contact abruptly. This can be perceived as a challenge, as an act of humiliation and provoke aggression," warns Daria Serebryakova. — Get out of contact gradually. For example, refer to the fact that you are ill and not ready to communicate, that it is difficult for you now. Or use topics that cause rejection in such people — for example, talk about religion, meditation, esotericism.
The expert advises taking screenshots of conversations, and if the situation goes too far, then seek help from friends, the police, or a psychologist.
— Normal rapprochement and trust appear at least after 3-6 months of close communication — this is how our nervous system works. Therefore, there can be no high feelings on the first, second, or even third date. Do not give your detailed contacts and do not give the exact address in the first weeks of the date. For the same reason, do not allow yourself to be escorted home and call a taxi, the psychosomatologist warns.
She urges you not to try your best to keep any person near you just because you are lonely.
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