Stop bullying: school bullying will be banned at the state level
The problem of school bullying has been seriously addressed at a high level. State Duma deputies are working on a bill that will define the very concept of bullying and measures to counteract teenage aggression. The document will oblige schools to report cases of bullying to the juvenile affairs commission and the police. However, parents are also interested in how to prevent bullying. Is it possible to "lay the straw", bringing up a child so that he did not become a victim of bullying - in the material "Izvestia".
Who becomes a victim of bullying
Most often bullying is found in middle school classes, says Elena Zamyshevskaya, head of the methodological department of the Center for Psychological Safety and Prevention of Destructive Currents among Children and Youth in Nizhny Novgorod region, clinical psychologist. Specialists attribute this to the fact that after elementary school, when adult control is weakened, children are more left to themselves, but are not yet ready for the difficulties of communication.
Most cases of bullying are reduced to constant taunts and hurtful nicknames. In high school, the problem of bullying is not so urgent, because as teenagers grow up, they pay more attention to their studies and communication in other groups, the expert emphasizes. Absolutely any child can become a victim of bullying, regardless of the well-being of the family, parental care and level of development. But there are special criteria by which the bully chooses the object of bullying.
- These are low self-esteem, individual differences, social isolation, religious or ethnic differences, lack of self-defense, mental peculiarities, dependence on social approval," lists Elena Zamyshevskaya.
It is not by chance that bullying most often falls on the period of adulthood, notes Elizabeth Svirina, neurologist, pediatrician of the children's clinic "Bud Zdorov". Children simply do not yet know how to behave, actually act at random and make a lot of mistakes.
- From the point of view of psychology, the victims of bullying are children who do not know how to define their comfort zone, who are not aware of their needs and desires. They do not fully understand how it is acceptable for others to communicate with them, and what kind of behavior should not be allowed, - continues the neurologist.
This is about those very personal boundaries, which are so important to be able to mark and protect. According to the neurologist, most often adults teach children to be non-conflict, loyal, lenient towards bullies, try to behave so that there is no condemnation from others. Parents advise the child not to stand out against the background of peers, not to be an instigator or provocateur.
- As a rule, such children have low self-esteem because of constant comparison and division into "bad" and "good" children. They are emotionally constrained and anxious," comments Elizaveta Svirina.
And the instigators of collective humiliation and beatings are mostly children who lack or have distorted communication skills. The most common reasons lie behind family difficulties.
- First of all, children's behavior is affected by problems and misunderstandings at home. The child repeats what he sees. If he himself is exposed to bullying or abuse from his parents or relatives, he will behave accordingly," Zamyshevskaya explains.
Lack of attention plays a big role: children need constant love and respectful attention from adults. But the other extreme - the feeling of permissiveness - is also dangerous. Buller can become a child who has too much power and influence at home.
According to a clinical psychologist, also children are included in bullying under peer pressure or go about stereotypes and prejudices that are characteristic of a particular collective. Specialists also see among the causes of aggression a lack of empathy, when a person is unable to empathize with others due to peculiarities of mental development.
Clinical psychologist also draws attention to the fact that today teenagers often change their roles in the scenario of bullying. Someone who was once a victim may become a bullying actor (aggressor) in order to respond to bullying.
- But it's important to remember that bullies are still kids. Yes, they have reasons for their behavior, but they also need help themselves. Understanding these reasons is the first step in stopping bullying," comments the psychological safety expert.
Indifferent spectators
"Be afraid of the indifferent - they do not kill and do not betray, but with their tacit consent there are betrayal and lies on earth" - this winged expression of Bruno Jasensky as accurately characterizes passive participants of bullying, who do not interfere with bullying, observing neutrality.
- Observers are the most underestimated group in terms of prevention. It is considered to be the group that requires serious work, as its participants choose the opportunity to quietly observe the act of violence out of all behavioral options, - comments the clinical psychologist.
According to Elena Zamyshevskaya, usually in serious conflicts, specialists start working with the victim and the actor, while the group that "only" observed the violence remains unnoticed.
- Meanwhile, the reaction of witnesses is important to the aggressors. Joining the bullying and even the slightest approval of the bullying (e.g., smiles of "spectators") serve as a reward for the persecutors. But the resistance or acceptance of the victim keeps them from further violence," Zamyshevskaya explains.
The clinical psychologist emphasizes that bullying is a problem of the whole team, not just the aggressor and the victim. Sometimes the role of an indifferent spectator is played not only by children, but also by adults - teachers and other school staff. When they see a scene of violence, they may feel scared and ashamed of their inaction. Adults even feel guilty that they are not able to intervene, but nevertheless, for various reasons, stay away. And then feel relieved that the situation was somehow resolved without their participation, notes Zamyshevskaya.
How to save yourself from bullying
There is no ideal algorithm for saving from peer bullying. Therefore, parents of schoolchildren often ask themselves how to educate their children so that they do not become victims of bullying or can get out of the situation with dignity.
- The most important thing is to form a trusting relationship with the child in order to correct conflicts that could potentially lead to a bullying situation. And, of course, children should develop communicative skills, such as the ability to negotiate with others - this quality is lacking in today's teenagers," says Elena Zamyshevskaya.
According to Elizaveta Svirina, there are no universal rules or ready-made phrases that help to raise a child so that he or she does not get into a bullying situation.
- Each situation is dealt with individually using a role model (for example, characters from fairy tales and cartoons). It is important to develop the child's critical thinking by asking leading questions: "Do you think this or that character did the right thing? And why? And what would have happened if he had acted differently?" Believe me, the answers will surprise you a lot. But later children will learn to analyze and make their own decisions," comments Elizaveta Svirina.
From the neurologist's point of view, the task of parents is to explain the possible options and outcomes of various situations and to share their own experience. But it is important to be prepared for the fact that the child may not listen to parental guidance and warnings.
- We need to ask ourselves, what do we, as parents (adults), want to develop in our children when they encounter problems in peer relationships? Aggression? The ability to defend, to attack, to offend? Or the ability to communicate, cooperate? - argues the neurologist.
Elizaveta Spirina advises giving a child the opportunity to make his or her own mistakes. In some conflicts it is even important for adults not to take sides.
- It is necessary to overcome the desire to protect their offended child in order to understand the situation and to avoid aggression and disputes with the parents of other participants in the conflict. First of all, it is necessary to find out what caused the so-called "bullying". And here a great role is played by independent persons - psychologists, who will help parents to turn the conflict into constructive communication, - explains the neurologist.
Elizaveta Svirina emphasizes that teenagers in general are characterized by emotional lability: children quarrel, reconcile and so on to infinity. But for adults to solve the conflict between themselves is a much more difficult task. They judge the situation more categorically.
- Parents should remember that the relationship between teenagers is not the same as between adults. Accordingly, to solve the problem with "adult" methods is inappropriate. But teaching a child not to ignite a conflict, but to be able to get out of a psychologically traumatic situation in time and make friends with other children will be very helpful," explains Elizaveta Svirina.
It is necessary to teach the child to build communication with peers. Effective communication can be established, says the neurologist. But it is better for the child to learn to reason for himself, and not to use ready-made templates for "solving all problems" that work for adults, and not always.
- It is clear that all children are different: some aspire to be leaders, others, on the contrary, more modest. Children of early adolescence can not quite analyze, to understand emotions, and here you need to help them - to teach them to think that will follow those actions that they commit - comments Elizaveta Svirina.
Neurologist advises parents to be more attentive not to miss an unpleasant situation. In particular, to pay attention to possible signs of anxiety: poor sleep and appetite, compulsive actions (for example, the child chews nails, sucks a pen and so on), as well as involuntary movements - hyperkinesis. If you suspect unusual behavior, it is better to consult a specialist - neurologist, psychiatrist or psychologist.
How not to become a villain
In order that children do not grow up aggressors, clinical psychologist recommends, first of all, to give the guys a good personal example.
- Children mainly learn the rules of behavior by observing others and imitating their actions. Therefore, it is extremely important to eliminate violence in the family, especially to refuse any corporal punishment. Behave with your child the way you want him to behave with you and other people, show respect for him," says Zamyshevskaya.
The neurologist also believes that children who have witnessed aggression in the family, copy the model of parental behavior.
- They become aggressive because of the infringement of their own desires, low self-esteem and thus try to forcefully show their superiority, - says Elizaveta Svirina.
Clinical psychologist especially emphasizes that the child himself will not guess how not to act - it must be explained. It is important for adults to clearly understand themselves and explain to the child what violence is and what actions are unacceptable in relation to themselves and others.
- The easiest way, of course, is to talk about physical violence, so that the child learns that you can not hit, push, bite, pinch, that is, deliberately cause pain. But we must also talk about the fact that words can also hurt. People should not be intimidated, humiliated, insulted, mocked, i.e. made to suffer on purpose," Zamyshevskaya commented.
Parents should teach children to evaluate the actions of others, in particular, to understand when they behave inappropriately.
- Unfortunately, we cannot isolate children from violence outside the family. To prevent some situations from becoming role models for children, it is important to discuss what they see. And unequivocally condemn such scenes if children have witnessed them," Zamyshevskaya warns.
The clinical psychologist explains that parents should also talk to their child about different emotions and teach them to distinguish their shades - fear, anger, resentment, disappointment, sadness, joy, love. Violence often occurs where a person does not know how to express his feelings correctly, does not understand what is happening to him and does not control himself, the expert warns.
From Zamyshevskaya's point of view, when analyzing children's actions, it is important to remember that while a child is young, it is not how he or she behaves, but how adults react to it that is more important - it is important to set the right accents.
Переведено сервисом «Яндекс Переводчик»
