A psychologist told how to get out of the victim's position

Sometimes a person can unconsciously choose the position of a victim, psychologist Galina Gubanova told Izvestia on November 29. At the same time, it may be difficult for him to instantly stop feeling the way he has been used to since childhood. The expert explained how to understand that a person is in the position of a victim, and how to change it.

"A victim is when you make peace with what you don't like, sometimes you literally tolerate it, and then you spew out everything you have accumulated in a volley. A victim cannot say no and say no to a person who does not respect their boundaries and interests, whether it be in family, friendship or work. The victim often chooses to live someone else's life or which he or she does not like, which can often be terrible, rather than his or her own," Gubanova specified.

According to her, at the same time the victim "up his sleeve" always has rational arguments to justify his own choice: "He is generally a good man, loves me, he just has problems in business now, he is annoyed, and I got under his skin". Or: "The boss, of course, is not sugar, but where else will I find such a job, I'll be patient, it's not so terrible".

Gubanova explained that the formation of such a position is influenced by childhood, so it is difficult to change the neural connections built throughout life.

"A child in childhood loves his parents with unconditional love, without weighing their good and bad qualities and deeds, loves just like that. But often gets the opposite in return. "That's not how you stand, that's not how you talk." Parents do not always realize themselves what they do and what harm they do to a little person. For example, when they use manipulation: "It's all your fault" or "Do you want me to die?". Then the child learns from an early age that simply no one will love him, love must try to earn," - said the expert.

As a result, when a person became an adult, for him unconsciously this search for love, which must be earned, becomes the meaning. And it is the rejecters who are attracted to him, and those who are near and ready to give it are not valued.

"Another thing that puts a child in a stupor is when a parent shows their displeasure by silence, essentially ignoring. We, adults, do not always understand when this is done to us, and for the child it is a real disaster, he does not know how to return the love of mom, tries all ways to mom "revive", experiencing a complex of guilt, "- added the psychologist.

In adulthood, with such behavior on the part of the partner - whether it is a mute reproach, disappearance, when a person stops writing first or answering - the victim always feels guilty.

A person in childhood is also influenced by the situation when such a scenario has already been seen in the family: cheating or aggression on the part of the father, a cold and always busy mother, a father who comes on weekends or leaves the family for good. From childhood, this becomes the norm. In adulthood, if you ask the "victim" what kind of partner you would like, she will say: caring, loving. But in fact it turns out the other way around, because unconsciously a person is drawn to the familiar scenario.

But you can stop being a victim, the expert believes. Although difficult.

"Healing will begin when the victim recognizes: "Stop, I can not and will not be like this anymore". The first thing to do is to understand the mechanism of their problem. <...> Only when the victim realizes that she has reached her own conditioned bottom will she be able to push back from it. Recognize that she has found herself (or finds herself regularly) in such a position, because partly she likes and is used to these emotions, offenses, she unconsciously strives for them," Gubanova said.

According to her, realization is a big step to deliverance, as it frees from illusions and significantly levels the fear. At the same time, such a person should ask himself every time whether he wants to be criticized and told what to do. It is also worth thinking about how he feels comfortable, and make a decision based on his feelings. And at the same time, voice your desires based on the "I-position", not reproaching or complaining about someone, but voicing in the first person.

Besides, you should not think about how it will be perceived by another person, what he or she will think. It is worth voicing your thoughts and desires, your opinion and listening to yourself, emphasized the psychologist.

"For the first time, imagine that you are bungee jumping down, it is scary, but you, clasping your eyes, take a step forward. You have a powerful safety net - yourself. And here is a second of free fall - and relief, delight and happiness: you have done it. And your family and friends will support you. If you do not feel support, do not hesitate to ask for it," Gubanova added.

In addition, for psychological help, a person can turn to the appropriate specialist who will help to understand the situation.

Earlier, on October 21, Darya Yausheva, a clinical psychologist at the SberZdorovye medical company, told Izvestia that depression can be exacerbated by a number of factors. One of the key ones is social isolation, when a person immersed in a depressive state begins to avoid interaction with others.